Pain that doesn't bleed

I considered Rima's invitation to work together. I didn't want my finances to swell, so I looked first at my daily expenses list. Is the budget for the café still there?

I checked the numbers. I'm relieved, it's still there. The numbers are not large, but I think it's enough for a few more times to work in the workspace café. In the end, I went to Ekology Cafe. Don't get me wrong, I'm there to work, not to see Victor. I went there because Rima invited me to work together. When there are friends to spend time working, the workload feels lighter.

When I look back at the industrial-style building in an empty former house, I'm still amused. Change is real, that's what I realized. Most land and house owners in strategic areas for business in Yogyakarta will utilize their land and homes for business. This is just one example of that change.

When I entered, I found Rima easily.

"Why choose to sit here?"I asked, putting my laptop bag into a chair. "Usually in the outdoor section."

"Outside must be hot. We'll likely be here until two p.m, it's going to get hot. It's different if you come in by dusk like yesterday," Rima said.

The reason I can accept. It's still 11 a.m. The Sun walked to its highest peak. Not to mention, the wind will bring heat. If we sit outdoors, we can not calm down to work because of the heat. Sitting in an air-conditioned room is certainly more comfortable than getting hot.

"I ordered a drink first, do you want to order a snack?"

"You want to go to the cashier's desk?" Rima's face astonished.

I nodded.

"Look at here, a scan menu," Rima said, pointing to a sticker with a barcode attached to the table. There is a statement from the café management who said guests can order food and drinks by scanning the code. There are practical instructions for ordering through this facility.

I looked at Rima. I can't use a barcode. Rima looked back at me suspiciously. "You want to say hello to him, do you?"

"No, I just want to order a drink," I said, trying to be firm, but what came out of my mouth was an awkward tone of denial.

"Then just scan, practically, there is no need to go back and forth," advises Rima.

I sat down and leaned on her. I whispered, "The problem is that we have to pay using Shopee Pay or Go pay, both of which I do not fill the balance. It's a cash-paying option, which means I still have to go there."

Rima patted her forehead.

I chuckled. Rima still doesn't understand why I haven't filled the balance. I did install Go Jek, in it there is a Go Pay facility, which makes it easier for users to pay when we order food, motorcycle taxi services or cars such as online taxis. I fill the balance only when I'm going to take advantage of the facility. While Shopee, e-commerce facilities for online shopping are also filled if I want to shop for goods online. I make sure it's used only as needed. I don't use both more often, so I don't feel the need to fill the balance.

Victor was giving a Blue Ocean Ice drink to a waitress. The drink will be delivered by the waitress to the guest. I greeted him with a smile. At first glance, he returned my smile. A little girl came up to me. She's the real cashier. She asked with her eyes, do you know each other?

This little girl didn't ask me that question directly. Maybe for good manners.

"Can I help you, sister?" she asked with a friendly face.

"Hot Cafe Latte."

"Okay. Anything else?"

"No. That's all."

"Okay. A total of Rp 28,000," said the cashier with her face covered in a black mask.

I gave her Rp 30,000 and got my return. After that I went back to my chair and focused on work. Rima also focuses on work. In between jobs, when we took a short pause, we talked about light things. The topic we cover most often is the new song of Rima's beloved K-pop group, Exo. I like to talk about the Korean dramas or anime I'm watching. However, because lately I work more often, I have listened more to Rima's story than I have told from my viewing experience.

We worked for four hours at the Ekology café. During that time, I didn't say hay more than a smile to Victor. I went home and am still writing again. I write for works of fiction published on online applications. I want to pursue a global contract, so that I get additional income. Although there was no sign of achieving popularity and having loyal fans, I did it anyway. I just hope that one day my work will be accepted by many people.

Ting

There's an incoming message via Instagram. Victor sent me a message.

"How are you?"

Right now, I'm going to sleep. The message made me move to the balcony. I replied calmly.

My heart likes to fool me. My heart asks me, are you okay?

The cold made me realize, I'm sick. My body is healthy. There were no physical injuries. No one physically hurt me either. I distance myself from people who can feel like I have a bad vibration. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried to avoid them, one broken would grow by a thousand. So I kept fighting, that's why I got sick.

We exchanged a few more messages. The end of the message was that we promised each other to meet each other. Victor will tell you a better place to meet. We'll meet when my agenda isn't too crowded. I've seen my work schedule, and Friday is the right day.

I sighed. Sitting on a balcony like this often makes me reflect. I'm happy to be able to communicate again with old friends. Is his life okay? I know his life has always been better than mine. For a long time, there was a big difference between us.

Why do I live a life like this?

My life was so much different from Victor's. It left me stunned.

You know, I once dreamed of seeing myself who couldn't leave the kids, even in very dangerous circumstances. In that dream, I tried to protect the children from the wicked witch. Why the hell, every story about witches, children who are targeted? Is it because their bones are still tender or because their hearts are still pure and so effective as offerings? I don't understand. Even more confusing, why am I one of the people trying to protect them? Why should I get involved with all that?

My dreams have always been strange. I often don't wonder why I see things that are just myths, written in fantasy books, ancestral essays in oral stories, mostly considered superstitious by modern humans. In my life, because of those dreams, I sometimes assumed they existed. It's so real that the pain is real. As I feel now, why should I take care of the kids? Why wasn't I the one guarded? Why isn't anyone taking care of me?

And my life now, it doesn't feel much different from what my dreams show. I often wonder if what I've been through is normal for a child? Or am I in an abusive environment that I think is normal? Sometimes I blame poverty for everything I've experienced. How not? Because I was poor, my parents worked. They become laborers. Often not at home. I had to be strong as a child, living alone at home. Have I ever shown fear? I forgot.

Then when I have two sisters, I have to take care of them. I have to, I tell all my friends every time they ask why I always refuse to play outside the house and why my sisters always come when I'm going to my friend's house. I could only look down shyly, the other kids could freely play, whereas I felt like I was bound. Often, I expect another life, a life that frees me from unwanted tasks. There are also often certain sounds that make me nervous. It adds to the burden on my heart. My eyes blurred. Stress also causes my brain to harden. I want to relax. And Victor gave me that feeling in the past.

I hugged my knees. Since when did I realize things were not what I wanted?

I just want a simple life but it feels triumphant. I feel the bond that from day to day is getting tighter and more and more and more types of ropes that bind my body. My chest is tight. My head is dizzy. My body feels heavy. My room narrowed.

I want to write well. Are these all the materials God has prepared for me? For me to write well, God gave me pain from many kinds of pain.

Maybe it was the desire to be a novelist that kept me still standing up to this day and the support of something that was in my dream made me continue to write and be able to write this story for you. I don't know if it will entertain you, inspire you, and add motivation to your life, I just want to share my story and of course hopefully this story can be a mirror of life.

My dreams are still in my heart, shining brightly like the sun. Writing is a career path and healing for me. I also found my purpose in life.

When I get a paycheck from writing and I can buy a cup of coffee for myself, it's one of those luxuries I feel. Then, if I can buy the novel I've been looking for, that's also a luxury for me. There's more, if I can give money shopping for my mom, that's fun too. And the most important thing is that I have a place to live, clothes, and food that I get from my efforts. This pride in my success may still ignite hope in me.

Even though I'm still in the same place, at the same time, I think I'm experiencing a variety of different weather and that's God's capital for me to be a better writer. Having such an awareness made my soul shine again. I could feel the warmth inside me burning, as if there were angels always cheering me on. No matter how hard I feel right now, I can think that maybe out there, there are people who are suffering more. So, it could be that my suffering is nothing compared to them.

Victor's presence in my life again also proves that hope is still there. He's an important part of my life. Does he feel the same way? I wonder why he did that to me. Maybe I'll have a chance to ask him directly. I wonder why he kissed me and left without a word. Do I have any meaning in his life?