1 Contracts

Most of us, in our life endure hardships that were possibly unjust in a sense, that they were beyond our control. Beyond our control and we did not bring it to being. People are cruel. People don't always get the life they deserve to have. We all deserve moments of happiness for the moments of hardships we have endured in our long lives. Might not be that long. But long enough for its painful reality to take root in our soul. Long enough to see the evil on people's eyes. Long enough to see evil and horror. Man made horrors. It is not for me to make judgements. What is for me is to paint the injustices that brought about the horror that I am, and the evil world that I helped create for myself and others. My views and circumstances made me biased towards the interactions that I have with people, yet I still do see the human potential to be the right person for the right reasons and motivations.

Back to reality. I just finished my business degree all the while working for my dream company. There were ups and downs, but when it all came down to, there was bread on the table. Not too much money, just enough to pay the dept my late father's passing has brought us into. I did the job I was supposed to do. It had a contract period of years, and because I was conscientious and worked hard, after that I was promised an indefinite contract, which I was given. Being given that contract, I worked even more harder to provide my elderly mother and younger brother. I was starting to be in a position where I could afford to have a girlfriend and or a more serious relationship. I know how it sounds, but we have to acknowledge that there are prerequisites to being able to enter in a relationship. A contract of some sorts. A contract which outlines that you, the male individual shall play the role of provider if it's possible, but more importantly that you'll love your other half, wishing the best for her. There are of course written contracts in marriage, oaths during wedding, planned and unplanned ceremonies and unwritten rules that are generally followed. These ancient rules, contracts and customs might just predate a good chunk of the timeline that we are aware of.

If and when you're being let go from your job you did not even prepare to lose, you are beyond surprised. Your second family, your workplace betrayed the contract which was the rule that governed all and any interactions, plans and expectations you might have formed. You will of course try to accept the fact, maybe negotiate, but the bridge was already burned. They don't want you there, with reasons they openly shared with you or they don't want you there for reasons they did not disclose to you. But you have to move on. You can move on. Even if it was unjust, even if it was cruel, you won't die, it's not the end of the world what happened happened.

As I was lamenting my thoughts, these thoughts that were written down, a woman approached me. I was sitting, my back was bent. My posture reflected defeat. Her strides were slow and calming. Her eyes were fiery. Her hair was pitch black. An otherworldly beauty. A beauty with no contenders. A woman a man would die for. She wore a white dress. A white dress that implicitly reflected innocence, playfulness and wholeness with the universe. Not many people can wear white clothing without it not being in contrast to their being. She touched my right shoulder with her left hand. Her hand was cold. Really cold.

Woman in white dress: "How is your evening going? What brings you out here all alone?"

I did not respond at first. Maybe her pace was too fast for me. Maybe it was the alcohol slowing me down. Maybe it was the weight of the world holding me down. Choking me. Not letting me breathe. Not letting me to smile.

"Hello. I was just…. on my way…. from work."

I did reply, and I was comfortable with my answer. It was, on its own, a serious and truthful answer without really dwelling into really too much detail. Half-truths. Half lies. A proper modern interaction.

The woman in white dress tilted her head and crossed her legs. She knew she was controlling the interaction. But I was fascinated. My eyes focused on her lips as she spoke: "Doing anything exciting?"

"I'm just doing my thing. Nothing really exciting, just following the rules and weighting my options." As I spoke these words I turned back to my bottle. To the bottle I was drinking. To the alcohol I was consuming. To the things I was trying to get myself over. To the plans and steps, I have to take to get back on the path to self-sufficiency. I closed my eyes. Trying to taste the beverage better with less senses distracting from it. But her words tasted better to my ears better than the bitter drink in my mouth: "But rules, are meant to be broken, right? Letting go of your inhibitions. The same thing you're doing right now."

"Thanks for the advice, but my issues can't really be solved with unconstrained inhibitions."

She opened her small purse and took out a comically old contract letter. Looked ancient and funny. I smiled involuntarily. She noticed my smile, and smiled back. Her red lips looked welcoming. Letting go of my inhibitions is what I wanted to do. I think she know. She saw it in my eyes. The hunger for her. I was alive. The contract letter was written in a language I never seen before. A language not if this world. The letters and curves of the words on the paper seemed out of depth. The words seemed to form sentences and paragraphs that begin and end at spaces and intervals that did not seem real. I touched the paper. The contract. I touched it to verify its existence. I looked back at her. Her eyes seemed distant now. Her face started to change. She was getting older. Her hair seemed to get gray. Her nose and ears started to get bigger. Her teeth became black. The white of her eyes turned red. Her face was full of wrinkles. She grabbed my hand. Then I heard her voice in my mind. Her voice wasn't sweet and calming. It was commanding. It sounded evil.

"Don't you want to break free from the constraints you've to live by? Don't you want to be the one inflicting damage, inflicting pain, not the other way around?"

This is what sin is. Looks welcoming at the beginning, but as we inch towards to abyss it gets grotesque. It's true, evil nature is revealed to us. But we do not see that at first. It cannot be seen. It can only be felt after the action. Our actions. Our choices, that we made. Made because of others. Made because of circumstances. Made because of chance. Made because of foolishness.

My hands moved on its own. I shattered the glass. Took a piece of the shattered glass and carved a hole in my hand. With that hand I destroyed my future. With the glass that reflected my blood back to me. The glass piece that reflected the eyes of the evil woman back to me. I placed my hand on that piece of paper. A piece of paper. A piece of paper for my future. A piece of paper with which I traded my future away.