A lot of thoughts on this first chapter. I hope you can consider my opinions seriously without taking it personally. Writing is a learning experience, and we all are beginners at one point.
Writing Quality: Below Average
Update Stability: Average - I suggest updating daily for one week before decreasing the update rate in order to get sufficient traffic and content to readers in order to make them interested enough
Story Development: Below Average, bordering on Poor* this is the bulk of my critiques; since it's only 1 chapter, I gave 2 as benefit of the doubt
Character Design: Below Average
World Background: Below Average
The first few paragraphs before “Chapter 1: Chosen” in the very chapter itself sounds like a synopsis. This is not a way to start a story. Neither is an info dump.
After the “Chapter 1: Chosen” and before “180 Years later…” this fight scene was not conducive to starting a start either. It was literally eight pieces of dialogue that basically said, “I don’t want to do this! But you must die! I’m sorry.” Honestly, not interesting at all, and not necessary either for you to build a foundation for your story. Just begin right at “180 years.” You can reference the Gods and Demons war at a later time and integrate it into the story in bits and parts so that it flows without being an info dump.
Once again after “180 years”, a scene for running off to school from home is not necessary or interesting for the story plot. And especially since that scene was directly before the two line dialogue of “going to sleep.” That just…doesn’t make sense to me. Readers don’t care about a scene where MC yells to Mom, I’ll be late to school followed by I’m Kyousuke and two sentences about me and one sentence about the bloody war, directly followed by, now “I’m going to sleep!” You can cut this out entirely.
Then the following section enclosed by three asterisks, it’s just back and forth dialogue with “you are the chosen warrior!” This scene has absolutely no background setting nor build up or explanation to how and why this scene suddenly occurred after the previous section of “going to bed.”
In the next section, it can be figured out that this previous scene was a dream. But until this point, it’s very confusing, so transitions and signposts need to be worked on and improved. Even if it’s a dream, it should be clear with some kind of indication somewhere. Three asterisks is not sufficient.
After this point, now the story actually beings with the MC and his friends arriving at the magic school.
I’m not going to comment section by section like I did above because this all boils down to one main impression of the entire first chapter—
About 90% of this chapter was unnecessary and didn’t progress the plot by very much. The only conflict was already known at the very beginning with the war of the gods and demons, but other than that, nothing else was brought up. It’s literally, MC goes to school and then realizes Kagami from his dream was real, and now he’s transferring to a magic school. This was the first chapter.
This is not gripping.
All of this information could have been told in one or two paragraphs as part of the background information when the MC Kyousuke, goes to this new magic school. Or, it could’ve been heavily condensed to only include the necessary parts. Much of the dialogue and mundane actions of going to school only serve to fill the space and add filler length. It serves the reader no purpose because it’s unimportant.
Another option is skip straight to the pool freezing scene with a mention of forgetting one’s jacket. Concision and cutting out chunks of the story can be some of the hardest things to do for a writer. Please don’t be discouraged by this since every new writer eventually learns about this and reducing fillers.
Points of Improvement to Work on:
- Balance of necessary dialogue and background information as stated above.
- Punctuation. You’re missing commas and even periods. Otherwise, English grammar is passable. But you do need to proofread with the amount of typos in this chapter. It’s a bit of a turn off because it suggests lack of care.
- Character development. I’m honestly worried because so far, I don’t see any individuality or much personality displayed. And the short self-intro he gave that he’s average, but “they say I might be intelligent because of my high grades, great with girls but not sure of myself anymore” is contradictory. I can’t get a grasp on his character. Who is he? Has he experienced anything significant or traumatic in his life? What does he like to do? Hobbies, interests? What does he struggle with? What or who does he care about? All of these can be answered as the story progresses, but a few tidbits should’ve been included in the first chapter so that we can start visualizing this MC.
In short, you have a lot to improve on. Once again I hope this review isn’t discouraging or come off as harsh. These are my honest impressions of the story, how it compares to other stories, and where I can see parts being improved. I definitely think you have the skills to make a good story. In general, I think you just need to put a little more thought into the story’s direction, plot, and characters as well as the writing with some proofreading.
Hope this can help you, and keep on writing~! Good luck!