12 The Void

Warning: this chapter contains themes of self-harm that some readers may find upsetting.

*****

"This is your fault!"

Mao flinched. She was used to yelling and tension in her house, but even now, she couldn't help her reactions.

She was in her bedroom; a small room decorated with so many random, colorful trinkets that her dresser and table were overflowing, forcing her to leave some on the ground or hang them from the walls. Most of them were pink, purple, blue, or white. The lights were off and a blanket covered the window, making it rather dark.

Mao was on the bed, wearing a ruffled gray dress. Her turquoise hair still had its dramatic curls, but it was tangled and messy. Her gauntness and lightless green eyes finished the gloomy image. As she continued polishing her white boots, she tried to ignore her parents' arguing.

She thought to herself, 'Why do they have to blame each other for everything? It wasn't either of their faults. Even a little kid would understand that it's the jerk that robbed us again. I'm sure that idiot is just doing it to mock us, now.'

Though she wanted to intervene, Mao knew better. If she tried to get in their way, it would only resort in them blaming her. She wouldn't mind that, but the problem was that it wouldn't stop the argument. As a matter of fact, it would only make it worse. It always made her feel horrible; she couldn't help her own mother and father, and if she tried, it just made everything worse.

'Stop thinking about it! They'll stop eventually. Just focus.'

Mao fixed her gaze and took a deep breath, then continued her task. However, as she did, the simple movements left her entranced. She forgot the world around her, drifting deep into her own thoughts. It made her even sadder than before, though. There was only one thing she could think of.

"I usually go to Kita's when they fight."

It used to be very typical for Mao to go to Kita when things like this happened. It was like her safe house until the coast was clear, and she could return without getting involved. Yuna's place was off-limits since it was so cramped, and her little brother took the only available room, and Yuna was often away for work anyway. Kita was often home, and lived alone, so Mao was able to go over there whenever she liked. When Yuna did join, it seemed like everything was perfect. Nothing could make Mao happier than moments like that; staying with her two sisters and forgetting their own troubles.

'Kita, I miss you...'

Mao blinked hard, and a teardrop pelted the boot she held. She tried to stop thinking, but the memories just kept coming.

Groaning angrily, she threw the boot across the room. She started sobbing.

"What happened to you?" She whimpered. "Why would you leave us? How could you?!"

The last time Mao saw Kita was in the Aubade Palace, the same night when she returned from completing her mission. Kita ran into her and Yuna in the dark corridors, then tried explaining things that Mao couldn't quite comprehend. Afterward, Kita ran into the shadows, never to be seen again. The guards that had been chasing her didn't say anything, either. Ultimately, she and Yuna were left in the dark, while their best friend was possibly getting herself killed in an alien land.

Now, with each day that passed without a word from Kita, Mao only grew more and more hopeless. She would often wake up in the middle of the night, after dreaming about Kita. Sometimes it was a pleasant reunion, other times it involved the horrible possibilities that could've befallen her. When she did wake up, she tried to convince herself that this place was the real nightmare, and she could wake up to her normal life again. If she believed it was all a nightmare, then surely, she could wake up from it.

Mao wanted to believe that, like Kita's sickness, these nights could've been a sign. They would lead her to Kita somehow, if she just followed the right path. However, Yuna would contradict her, saying it was nonsense and a symptom of her depression.

'Yuna...'

The only thing bad enough to compare, losing Kita to what was likely a band of demons, was losing Yuna on her own accord. As far as Mao was concerned, Yuna was dead to her, but she wasn't taking it easy. Now both her sisters were gone. While she did find it easy to make friends, it wasn't the same. It didn't cure anything.

Defeated, Mao sighed, falling back on the bed. She blankly, carelessly stared at the roof. The only things she did care about were gone. Now, it was just a void. At first, she was able to bear through it. She had hope that things could be fixed. However, every time she considered everyone's positions, she had to wake up and face the cold truth.

Despite her denial, Mao knew deep inside that it had to be right. Kita had been living among demons for nearly two months, now. According to her research, these beasts would not welcome her with open arms. The chances of surviving among them, especially as an Aubade Sylph, were simply too low. The words came from Queen Corelia herself. Mao could still remember the conversation.

At the time, they were in Corelia's observatory. It was the very morning after Kita's disappearance, and the time was about six o'clock. Corelia was very unnerved and stressed, and it was hard not to notice. She was frantic with some things, and had trouble focusing on others. Despite that, Yuna and Mao needed to know the truth. They anxiously begged her for information.

Corelia spoke firmly but patiently. "Girls, I know you're upset, but you shouldn't be in here now. I'm very, very busy."

"I know, and I'm sorry," Mao insisted. "But we can't just go away, after what we saw! Please, your majesty. Tell us what happened, last night!"

Corelia finally stopped, sighing and struggling to stay collected. Mao had seen her upset, before, but never this bad.

"Mao, hold off," Yuna whispered. "Your majesty, you really don't look well. Maybe you should sit down, or maybe even see a doctor."

"Don't be silly, I'm fine," Corelia muttered. "I'm just frustrated. Several guards were killed today, my daughter's been hurt, Kita's missing, and the beast that caused it all got away." She practically collapsed in the chair "I'm sorry for ignoring you, but trying to manage this all has been an absolute mess."

"That's horrible, I..." Yuna gulped nervously. "We'll go. I'm really sorry for bothering you, right now."

Before Yuna could leave, Mao nudged her. "I'm sorry too, your majesty, but you just said Kita was missing, and mentioned the 'beast that caused it all.' Can you please tell us what happened? I promise, we'll go away right after."

"Mao, be fair," Yuna argued. "She probably doesn't want to talk about it."

"This is Kita, though," Mao insisted. "We need to know about it. Do you really want to go back to Lion's Bridge without her?!"

"Even if we do learn, how is it going to bring her back?" Asked Yuna. "See my point?"

"Both of you, hush," Corelia insisted. "I know you're both close to her, and I know you worry about her, so you do deserve to know. However, you won't like it one bit, I can guarantee that..." She sighed, "I'm so sorry. The truth is that the demons left a lasting impression on Kita, far stronger than I would've predicted. It's hard to tell what caused it, especially when she saw the evilest side of them. It happened, though. That same day she brought them back, she turned against me."

Yuna gulped. "You're not saying that you did something to her, are you?"

Corelia looked horrified. "What? Of course not, I'd never! I've helped looked after that girl since she was a baby, it was the least I could do after her mother died, and she was stuck with that awful father. I'm trying to say that Kita acted against us, and if we had let her go free, she would've hurt someone. I think she already did, unfortunately. My guards tried hard to detain her, but she was evasive. Convinced that the demons were her true allies, she ran away from the palace, then returned to their land. She even worked with their corrupt leader to free our captive demons."

Mao gasped, "She went back?!"

"I'm sorry, I truly am," Corelia replied. "However, if the truth is what you seek, then I won't hide it. I don't know exactly what's become of her, but I do know those beasts. They likely wanted vengeance from her, for helping me and going back to Sybilius. I don't know how they convinced her to reverse that decision so suddenly, but the moment she would tell them what she knows, they'd have no reason to keep her. Her fickle loyalty was already clear enough, and when considering the demon leaders' very merciless reputation..."

Mao started tearing up. "Y-Y-You don't think she's really gone, do you?"

"'Think' is all we can do," Corelia murmured. "I already said it, though. We'll keep looking, but the chances are very low."

They hadn't heard anything from the palace since then. Even though Corelia reinforced the prospect of Kita being dead, Mao marched out of there angry and in denial. She was mad at everyone; at the queen, at Yuna, and especially the demons. Everyone was her enemy. They were all against her.

Yuna was the worst of them all, though. The others were all hopeless, just as she was right now, but Yuna wasn't just that. She got very angry when Mao tried to give her hope, or stay hopeful herself. Yuna told her to abandon the stupid idea, then it wouldn't hurt so bad when they confirmed Corelia's story. To Mao, 'abandon the idea' meant abandoning Kita, when there was still a chance that Kita was still alive. Even if it was the tiniest sliver of a chance, at the time, Mao would've taken it.

'Maybe I am thinking childishly. Maybe it is stupid, but it's a hell of a lot better than facing the truth! I'd rather cling to false hope and have it hurt later, because giving up doesn't just mean giving up on the bad stuff. It means giving up on the hope that she's alive!'

Despite thinking that strongly, Mao cringed whenever she looked at herself. It looked as if she really was caught in the dark void she imagined. Her colorful personality was gone, replaced with this dark gloom. It made her think she was already submitting.

"Shut up!"

Mao groaned, grabbing her pillow. She rolled onto her side and kept her ears covered.

"You shut up," she muttered. "No one needs to yell that loud, I don't care how angry you are."

The pillow only slightly muffled their voices. She couldn't make out any words, but the furious tones made her want to go downstairs and suffocate them. Even so, she stayed on the bed, curled up like a defenseless child.

'Give it a break,' she bitterly thought.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!"

Mao groaned again. She shot up, throwing the pillow onto the floor. As usual, it was all hopeless. They wouldn't stop, nothing would change, and she couldn't help it.

"Dammit," Mao growled.

She hit the bed with her fist, then broke down. She kept her eyes cast down as she started crying. Her lip quivered, shadows hid her eyes, and her whole body trembled.

"Why am I always so helpless?" She whimpered. "I lost my friends. I can't break up a fight between my parents, who I shouldn't even be living with at this age. I wasn't able to keep Kita here; she chose a bunch of demons over me. What..." She yelled, "What the hell is wrong with me?!" She punched herself in the arm. "Why can't I do anything right?!"

She did it again, this time also tearing a few hairs out. After all, she finally found the perfect scapegoat. Herself. Her own beliefs and actions. Her own helplessness and stupidity.

'I told Kita to listen to the dreams. I told her to go to the city. I sent her to her death. I was the one who abandoned Corelia and Yuna. I'm the one my mother and father yell at when I intervene. I'm the root of everything!'

"Am I good at nothing but creating trouble?" Mao muttered. "I..."

Then it donned on her.

'I...really am...'

"Oh god, Kita. I really did this to you, didn't I?"

She couldn't tell if that was true. Although, with another glance at her position, it proved her entirely right. She had sent Kita to Corelia, where it continued to lead her if not to her demise, then to a hell of some sort, infested with evil demons. Kita was skeptical about this all, and Yuna wanted to try the safer alternatives. Mao was the one being insistent, ushering her closer and closer to this very fate.

"I'm sorry, Kita..."

Mao sat up, her fist clenching. "Everyone, I'm so sorry."

Needing to lash out, Mao shot over to her desk. Without even thinking, she yanked open one of the drawers and pulled out an old pair of scissors. She aimed the point at her own throat. She was ready to punish who she saw as the cause of it all; the cause of this horrid incident.

"For Kita," Mao muttered. "For Yuna. For everything you ruin!"

Though she was trembling violently, she was about to do it. She felt the point hit her skin.

However, something stopped her.

Someone had grabbed her wrist, stopping her right there.

Mao quickly broke her tearful gaze. What she saw filled her with a different feeling, though she didn't know if it was good or bad.

It was Yuna. She stopped her, and didn't look like the defeatist she had become. Just like Mao, her eyes were watery and full of dread. Though Mao lowered the scissors, they stayed there for a moment, as if they were both lost.

Finally, though, Yuna spoke. "I'm sorry."