first of all, I want to make it clear that I think the story has potential there are, however, a couple of problems. now, the largest problem is honestly the writing, good thing is, writing is one of the easier aspects to improve.
So, first of all, I advise you to scrap the whole *insert place* method, it takes the reader out of the flow of the story and is pretty easy to change. all you need to do is write something along the lines of, for example, "I was standing in the kitchen when I heard cracking noises from the stairs" instead of *kitchen* cracking noises were coming from the stairs.
secondly, your story is allowed to meander a bit. now, I'm not saying that you should get into the habit of padding the text out with useless things people skip over. You can, however, make conversations a bit longer, not just by using more words, as that gets very boring very fast, but by taking your time to get to the goal of the conversation, this would also allow you to establish characters more clearly as you could allow them to bounce off each other for longer.
thirdly, use the location you set yourself up to your advantage what I mean is, your character is in a school, the perfect setting for an exposition dump, so instead of giving your readers a wall of text to go through in the first chapter, just have a teacher give his class a lecture on history.
fourth, readers don't need to know everything immediately, for example, you could just tell the readers the human side of Yogui's story in class as I advised earlier, and then have him find out about his own past later. it'll be more emotional for the readers as we have had the chance to connect with Yogui more, and it'll add an undertone of mystery to who his real parents could be if we find out early that he is adopted but without knowing where he is from.
either way, that's just what I think. good luck with the writing. and like I said at the beginning, I truly think the story has potential, I'll check back in at some point and revise my review.
