30 Caught Off-Guard

She needed to pull herself together and conduct a proper plan.

It came to her when they were warming up for another training session. A stretch exercise or two, while everybody was counting, helped put her mind at ease. And what of it than with a purpose of preparing them for another load of hardships.

Evelina remembered how she told Alardis of her plan. A lie she had not yet paid a price for. And while she wandered on the thought, her mind agreed. She was there so that she could build a solid plot of doing her duty, she should not forget that.

But even as she reminded herself of it, she was still straying. Different routes were being thrown her way, and she thought taking it all would help her build a bridge to her goal but she only ended up with a pile of useless days.

She looked back, something she refused to do but was necessary to.

At first, there were only two things. Join the troupe and let them carry her to the palace. But it had been so long since then and all she had observed was that there was a far chance of going anywhere near the palace.

Eglantine was only stopping in Eldham as a travelling troupe and would go on their way again someday, perhaps after they had taught the recruits the basics.

But had she not heard of common people speaking about a troupe invited by the emperor?

Evelina jogged her memory, trying to reach a moment when old Duncan or West had said something about it. But there was none. She only heard of the royal family again from Mitchel's tongue.

And that was where her foolishness began. 

She thought of joining him as a reserved plan but… the man was a hopeless case, chasing something that he was aware nobody would give. 

It was the way of the world.

Unfortunately, she knew how a certain witch took a hobby of caring for their prisoner so all she could do was regret wanting to take a sip of his blood.

Which reminded her, she needed to talk to him.

"Since we spent the days of last week knowing ourselves, we are going to give this week to minding others besides ourselves." Hellen called, and Evelina's mind was once again in the basement of Miss Delphine's inn.

What did she say? Another exercise for mental torture? How exciting.

The recruits looked at each other. Well, at least, Evelina, Sybil and Freeda did. Royce was still avoiding the vampiress, his body stiff as he stared at their trainer.

"Would there be barrels again?" Freeda asked. Her voice was, as usual, high and excited. By good fortune, she had not worn anything odd and cramped for today's session.

Hellen shook her head, "No. But there will be connecting with your peers' feelings, and it isn't as easy as talking to them as you walk to the marketplace. It's more than being friendly. It's knowing them deeply enough to work with them."

"Is it like sharing secrets?" 

If it was then Evelina would be out the door in no time.

The vampiress groaned to herself. What was she doing? She always caught herself off-guard, and it did nothing but push her guilt out.

Fortunately for her, Hellen disagreed with the question. "No, we give time for secrets. We don't force them out of a person." West should be listening to this, Evelina thought. "Instead, getting to know the other is more of an assurance that a relationship is being built with someone who we can lean on. More than that, it is relating ourselves to the different situations around us in order to act out a story."

The human girl and the witch let out their own versions of an amused expression. Evelina only sat beside them, unable to think of a proper response.

"Shall we start?"

That was when Giles entered the room, another witch trailing behind him.

"Patrick!" Freeda exclaimed, then quickly changing her tone to somewhat a combination of taunt and irritation. "What are you doing here? Bailing on us for the second time wasn't good enough for you?"

The blonde witch threaded his hand through his hair, his face fallen. "I-"

But the handsome actor was the one who answered for him. "He was outside the inn asking, begging more like, to attend the meeting. Of course, I was about to throw him out when an annoying hero saved this fool."

"In my defense, I have not directly said that I quit! It was a matter of exhaustion!"

Giles waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes. You only repeated what that jerkhead said. Just join the recruits, why don't you? Maybe the session today could teach you where you should belong."

Hellen chuckled, tilting her head in amusement, before calling over Patrick and instructing him to stand beside Royce.

She repeated what she said before his arrival, with Freeda throwing in a couple of side comments until Hellen ordered her to stop. Patrick remained standing, sighing most of the time, in which Evelina could only frown on.

How infuriating.

"Shall we start now?" Hellen asked again, finally receiving nods and yeses.

They started playing a game. At least, it seemed like one. It was an advantage and disadvantage game where the recruits must step forward if they've experienced an advantageous moment and step backward if they suffered a disadvantage.

The vampiress would say that it was less harder than their first week, if only the questions of the activity weren't pressing matters which could turn her judgement around.

"Evelina," the witch called, eyes burning holes at her. She had called her after a few rounds of stepping for forward and backward, Evelina finally settling in front of everybody. "How do you feel that you're ahead of everybody?"

Yeah, it was most definitely not a game since she was required to tell her feelings. 

"I feel…" she trailed. Glad? It was good to know that after all her disappointments, she was still one leading? No. This was not supposed to be about her. That was the point. "I feel… uncertain."

It was the best that she could say.

Hellen did not give any hints if what Evelina said was correct or wrong. Instead, she smiled and shifted her gaze towards the male human in the group. "And Royce? What do you think about being at the back while Evelina is in front of you."

The vampiress drew in a long breath. It was the first time that he would say something to her… or about her. She should not care as much but the responsibility of the day Alardis visited her was still fresh in mind.

"It's unfair," Royce replied, clenching his fist. "It's unfair that she gets to be so privileged when we can experience doubts whether we'll live or not each season. To think that she only took a step backward for a few questions and stepped forward again because her world revolved only to her."

He was right. At the same time, he was not.

Evelina was having a hard time to breathe.

"And then she shows up here to make demands? She pushed us around like we were nothing. It would be nice to find her at the bottom with us. Just once."

Evelina pushed her shoulders back, still staring in front as she did not feel the urge to turn around. She knew that she would not like the expressions they must be wearing. Unlike before, she felt weak, not craving the sound of clashing of words and the consequence of fighting back.

"Evelina?" there was hesitance in Hellen's voice. "Er… would you like to say something in return?"

Something in return?

But what should she say? That we was wrong? That she did experience sufferings just not in a way that they have? What would that prove?

They experienced different pains yet she could not bring out her voice to say that. The very difference of suffering was the tear to understanding, she knew that much. And he was right about most things.

Evelina was more than caught off-guard. She was cornered.

She was drifting.

And maybe that was half of her problem. Her mind was scattered to different pieces when she found herself on a dead end, not knowing how to get around it. Perhaps it was the same thing as to why she was consistent with herself and her plans.

The troupe was unpredictable, spontaneous. And as much as she wanted to say that it was not for her, they were what she needed at the moment. 

Then, how should it be?

"I'm not," Evelina pushed herself to answer. "I'm not as glad that I'm here as you think I am."

She did not need to explain more as the game continued, their most pressed thoughts coming to light. So it was not only her. It was another one of their safe circles, only this time they were being pushed to the edge. Circles have no edge.

They were pressed into uncomfortable opinions against each other in order to be comfortable? In order to lean on their relationships? Have a bond?

It felt like a jest, yet it only spurred truths.

From there, Evelina began to understand. For her, at least, because looking around her was like learning how the troupe functioned. And that was what she needed to get through with.

Her chances of straying could still be there. But what was in front of her was more than a step, but something she could use even beyond a hundred plans she would make. One that would avoid cornering her into deep shallowness, as if she was unable to get out.

The vampiress studied every person in the room. How they speak, how they interact, and… how they act. That was the purpose. 

Minding others is learning how to be like them.

And this time, it was real. Evelina needed their acting skills.