1 Only Chapter

I did something a person in a relationship shouldn't do or is it really a bad thing that I did that.?

I am a 22 years old girl living in one of the countries in Asia. In those year I never been in it a relationship until last year. I met someone at online. I was just looking for someone I can talk to or maybe be friends but I never thought I would fall in-love. Being in-love is something I am not really familiar with but there is this feeling in my heart and my stomach is having the butterfly effect when I saw this man siting far from the camera and at his bed smoking a cigar. I am not a fan on people smoking maybe because I have a problem with it. But in my mind that time is all I can think is him. Like I do not care what people might say or think but I fell for him.

Then we started talking and it's not even a week when he asked me if I want to be in a relationship. At first, I do not know what to say. I am scared at the same time I do not want to let him go. So took the risk and say "YES".

Weeks goes by so quickly and we are happy. He calls me day and night. I even forget to sleep sometimes. I do not want my eyes to be apart from him. I even think I get a bit crazy that even his snore sounds like music in my ears though he hates it and he get shy or maybe embarrassed but I actually don't care. Some days he needs to go to work so he would ask me to call him at a respective time like an alarm clock and God knows how I love doing that. I don't just call him once but as many as I could until he woke up. It is a little thing that makes me smile. Then he calls me every time he wants and need. I am all over him I can say. Days goes by so fast that I wish it goes slow and so I can still do a lot of memories with him.

Until there is a sudden change. He became so jealous. He became someone that did not think of what I feel. He thought that I have someone I love more than I love him. There is this one instance that I called my friend at 3 am in the morning not thinking he would call me. He gets mad but I explained to him that I am just talking to a friend then he asks is it a girl or a boy. Me not wanting to lie I told him "It is a man." He became more furious. He ended the phone call and did not call. I texted him over and over again until he finally calls but even, I told him that the one I am talking to is fortyish years old he still got mad. I don't see any wrong with that he is just like another dad for me. So, I told him I won't text or call that friend but I just can't. I have a trauma on being abandon by friends. I was forgot when I was in my teens by my best friend and that ruined me big time. So even I told him I still call him or text him sometimes. I felt guilty but in the same time it was just a friend for me but he got it in a different way.

He then forgives me somehow on something I apologize but I really don't know why I should. For all I did was to have a friend to keep a friend. It hurts how he thinks I cheated on him. He wants that I just talk to him and no one else. Is that right? It is indeed my first relationship that gives me a thinking of nothing when it comes to this. So, when I did something, I would say sorry. Sometime I don't even know why am I saying it or what is the reason I am apologizing. He got mad sometimes on things I don't know at all.

Even though I didn't give up and I keep on apologizing, understanding and thinking just him. But there are some times that I also explode and got mad. I wanted him to realize what I also feel but it's a 'nada'. It comes to the point that all he knows is I hurt him and that I broke him. But I love him so much I couldn't stay away for him for long so I ended up going back. There he always tells me that how miserable he felt when I am away but he never tries to text me or calls me and that hurts.

All of those I ignored thinking that it will past. Months past and we celebrated our anniversary but even that day is not that special at all. No special event like what I watched on movies or video or letters or gift or even sweet talks 'nada' but that is okay because all I need is him.

Some says that am a hypocrite on being an asshole for still being numb even everyone sees I am hurting on how I am treated but say the saying says 'Love is blind.' Indeed, it is blind and it can make you even dumb and crazy at the same time. But what can you really do in love?

Everyone I ask about what love is they would say 'love is something you can stop; it grows when it grows and it get shattered and you won't be able to fix it.' Some says 'beware of love it can fix you but it can also break you in pieces you never though you can think of.' They all say it in positive but also, they say the negative thing in it or the opposite.

I continued to love him and just stay at his side but things got a lot painful on the last time we get back together and that is the most recent one. We get back once again after being away to each other for a month. Again, I cannot help myself but to run back on him. I cannot help but to think of him. I found some friends in the time we separated some of them wants to hit on me but I just don't feel it all I am wanting is him. So, I rejected most of them and ended up founding myself in his embrace once again. Thinking and hoping this time around is different on how we always do in the past.

As we get back together again, we started happy. We called each other like we are afraid that it might be just a dream we are together again. We are so happy though he got some problems that in our relationship span he never tells me what are those and that feels shit. I was wondering if what I am feeling is really okay. That it is normal for a girl in a relationship to feel like useless and empty. I do not know anything about him at all. I think I became a little bit selfish and I never bother to think or ask the things I should know about him. But he really never shares me anything he is going through and when I am available, he will say I am not. When in the first place I don't really know when I will enter. I am not some sort of magician to know when I will be needed or if he doesn't want me at all. There is also time when he told me he doesn't want to talk but I will find him talking or out with his friends.

Sometimes I don't know what is really true. He did tell me he doesn't lie. He told me that he doesn't have friends at all but he has been called in all places by so much people asking for his help and he cannot even say no at all. He gave me money because he has been asking for it though I didn't ask him for it. So, I ended up giving my account and he send me some dollars. Everything went so good and so.

Until one night one of the man friends that I decided not to contact anymore suddenly commented on one of my post. And me being so scared at him getting angry and with all the questions he would ask I deleted it as soon as saw the comment. It is not a simple comment like 'Hi' but it says 'call me now, it's important.' And this friend chooses to comment on a post regarding something I want to buy but I cannot because it is expensive for me. So, what I did when I realized what shit I did not asking him about it before I delete the shared post, I called him and tell him about it. Like be honest and go asks for forgiveness. But all I get is this answer "you will do what you want to do." It felt like a dagger in my heart. All this time he still has that madness in his heart. Then he stops texting me with the last thing he said to me "don't call." There I was thinking is being honest and coming first acknowledging what you did wrong is wrong at all. Should I supposed to let him find it and confront me. I though when you accept your fault, you'll be forgiven.

A day went by and he just seen all my text and chat, he even ignores my call even I am so scared to call. Then on the second day he finally types and I was so happy thinking he is coming back but what he texted is "stop texting." I was shattered. I asked why but before then I replied once again not giving him enough time to reply and say "you know what, okay I wont text nor bother you."

I explode.

All I did is to tell him how I love him and things but all he does is seen it, ignored it then he will say stop texting like I am some shit and a bothersome person. Then I got it. I won't bother him. But its hard to do that when I look at his photo every time before I go to sleep.

He texted me the night on the second day when he said stop texting then there, I figure out that he gets mad because he says that "you told me then you texted on the thing you wanted to buy." It was like a bomb in my eyes once I saw the chat. I am not beggar to ask money to someone just to buy something I want. If I want something but I can't get it I move on. He makes me looks like I am just into money. I got so mad that I ask his account so I can give back what he gave me but he rejected.

Yeah, I am crazy and I do not know what to do anymore. I love him but I also think I can't be treated like that. Like I am someone who apologize on something I don't know and when I ask what I did he will get mad and he will say "you know what you did." Then why did I ask if I am not aware what on earth, I did that make you so mad at me. I am so tired of explain and for not seeing what I really feel.

"Love is something that is good but it will shatter you to pieces once you don't get careful."