The Fastest Dickhead Alive

My name is Andrew Morton. And I am the fastest dickhead alive. When I was a child I pissed off a group of bullies and I almost died. My parents were disappointed in me. Then my depression made me a dickhead. To the outside world, I'm an abomination walking on the earth. But secretly, I use my depression to piss people off and get everyone to hate me. And one day, I'll find myself lynched by a hateful mob and I'll die doing what I truly am. A dickhead.