Settling In

Life was a mess. I was introduced to my new aunt and uncle, who were the ones who picked us up from the airport. Both seemed scary, my aunt was a perfectionist, while my uncle was kind but grumpy. I remember I got sick in the way home with a fever. My dad told me once I grew up that it had been because of the change in enviorment.

Turned out we would be living with my aunt, in a small apartment. That wasnt all though, my aunt's brother was also living there, him and his 4 kids. My dad is the brother of my uncle. They were all well manered at first, me and their youngest daughter were the same age, being ignorant as we were about the conflict in between our parents, we quickly became friends. Time passed, school was chaotic for me, I didn't know any english and I didnt know how to read my class schedule so I was often found at the wrong classes. The girl assigned to help me left me on my own the very first day. Only the daughter of my aunt's brother was my friend.

That was my first friend ever since kindergarten. And for once I felt happy. One day though, they moved out. I didnt know why until much later, but my dad only tolerated them because of the respect he has for my aunt. My friendship with the girl ended since her parents put her against me. She was sad but that was just the way it was, our parents couldn't stand each other and now that we lived separately, there was no way it would ever work as it was. My aunt often criticised me a lot. Asked my mother to teach me to be clean, if i forgot to place my shoes at the door or if i dirtied the table a bit with my plate. I was ten year old, but the blame wasn't even on me, it fell to my parents.

The people at my school and I couldn't get along. They didn't like me because I was too quiet, and because I didn't want to share my stuff, but what was I supposed to do? My mother told me not to share because the others would steal my stuff. Every time a girl would invite me to their home to play, dad would say no, that they could come over but that I couldn't go. Life has been harsh for my parents, I understand their mistrust, but for a little girl who just wanted to be accepted, it hurt me a lot. We tended to move out a lot, thus I changed schools a lot. I figured there was no need to try and make friends if I would end up loosing them once I moved again.

On my second to last year of middle school, at the very end of that year, after fighting day and night with my classmates, i somehow ended up befriending them. Don't ask me why or how, but it happened. They said that even though it was the end of the school year, that we would make up for the time we spent separated next year. I told them I was sorry for not sharing, but that sadly that would never happen since I would be moving right after classes ended.

They didn't believe me and thought I was making drama, but true to my word we did move. They mailed me afterwards apologizing but I only kept friends with a single girl. We usually videochatted since my dad worked all day long and at the time my mom left for a trip to mexico, so I had a lot of free time! i would sometimes sneak out and her mom would come to pick me up so we could go to her house. We were close for three years, but in the end, we separated. She told me that she spent all the day with me and that she needed time for her family too since she never left my side on the computer. I told her I understood and I felt the same way too, but the truth was that I didn't. I didnt had any more family to spend my time with, I was alone, and my dad would always come back very tired from work.

I closed off again after that, loosing my best friend hurt quite a bit. When i entered the last year of middle school two girls somehow ended up befriending me, but I was too quiet, i think it might had been one sided but I really didn't feel like socializing anymore. At the time, i discovered a love for books and reading them made me forget about the entire world.

I remember my favorite series at the time was the magic three house. The girl traveling to all places made me so happy, it felt as if i was her. From there reading became my world. I also ended up learning english thanks to the books but I was forever a quiet girl.

In high school none bullied me. I had the fortune to go to a nice highschool, but some people believed I thought myself better for not talking to them. Truth was, I never learned how to socialize. Thanks to my sheltered upbringing, i dont think I was mentally their age. I was happy as long as i was reading and in a quiet enviorment.

My first crush came in highschool, a boy in my class. I dont know why but I loved his hair. So fluffy and cuddly. But I was too shy to say hi. Somehow he would sometimes talk to me, but i would keep quiet or walk away. One time we were placed in the same class. I dont know what exactly was it about him but he made me happy. Every time i would see him I would end up laughing for no reason. It seemed like one day he had enough and asked me why i laughed every time he came in.

My mind raced, what to even tell him? He did tried his best to talk to him but i was too awkward, so I decided to push him away. I told him his face was funny. Sure i regretted it after but it was too late. In a note i wrote to him that I liked him, he ripped it apart and trashed it without reading it. Then he asked to be sat somewhere else, since before that he always sat in front of me. Twice I had the chance to tell him face to face that I liked him, but no words would come out. That was that.

On my last semester of highschool I found a love for games. But sadly i only had the school's internet who canceled any game chatting system, so I could only play the game.

When we finally had a phone(one shared  for my father mother and I) I could finally use the chat!

I had a hard time talking in real life but on games I could talk all I wanted all day and night.

I first fell in love with an online boy. He was a bit older than me, I was 17 and he was 21, soon turned 22. We dated in the game and it was a really sweet part of my life, since it was the time i truly fell in love for the first time. Turned out he only lived an hr and 40minutes away from me! We could meet! That excitement only lasted a second though, i was not the same person irl as I was in the game. Wouldn't he grow dissapointed once he saw me? As I looked around me for the first time, I could see all the girls around me, all pretty, with smiles, and not afraid to chat.

I dont know why but we agreed to meet, we met at my school library, and when he finally arrived I wanted to flee so bad, but feat had me sitting at the corner of the library, it was one small library, it was silly to try and hide in the first place since he found me fast. i couldn't look at him in the eye though, so we just talked through the phone even thought we were right besides each other. Stupid no? He sat besides me and didnt seem to mind. He ended up hugging me letting me play on his account, and I found myself crying in the hug. He had seen me, i hadn't even talked to him, because it felt as if I couldn't, but he didn't care, he hadn't left. We stayed until the library had to close and my dad asked me why I came out so late that day, no way I was gonna tell him.

We met more times but I just couldn't change my attitude. We would just find a corner and hug and talk.

Because of issues going on in my house, became really depressed again. He wad there by my side, but how could I keep him here with me? When he could have a normal gf elsewhere. My memory loss was hurting him quite a bit too, since because of my depression and conflicts at home, it wound randomly show up. Thinking back on how it acted, there was no doubt in my soul anyone would had thought I was making it up, sometimes I would forget about him, sometimes about everyone, but I had no proof, only my sister, who believed me because she was the same too.

Soon we broke up, i remember doing it, but the worst part was me regretting it as i forgot myself doing it. It hurt a lot, pushing him away forever that time. But i was left assured he would find a true gf for his kind soul. I felt like  burden that none should have had to carry.

I did talked to him but my attitude was a mess. We soon lost contact. Looking back at it right now, I am glad he was in my life, but I don't regret leaving him. He was a very sweet part of my life and holds a special place in my heart being my first love and all, but he deserved better. And im sure he will have no problem with that.