2 How It Started

I looked at the card I held in my hand. After 5 years of struggling, after 5 years of late night studying with no sleep time, the day finally came for me to be kicked out of college. Not only was I out of founds for it, but I was failing miserably.

I have been living a whole lie. Since little, I have never been good at studying. My teachers hated me, my classmates stayed away from me because I simply didn't know how to express myself. My family was a bit overprotective of me in their own way.

My mom was once a very sweet person, or so I was told by my older sister, but after I was born, she wasn't able to walk anymore. She was really bitter, maybe not directly at me, but I remember she would yell at me a lot. Living in Mexico, my father worked hard day and night in the United States. He only visited here and there, but I grew up to be a really quiet girl, scared whenever my mom raised her voice.

I could notice my mom and dad arguing at times, about my mom yells directed at me and how my dad didn't like them. Don't get me wrong, at that time my parents were still in love, but my mom was fustrated that she couldn't move anymore and my dad was fustrated that the love of his life, a once proud and active lady, couldn't even lift a spoon on her own again.

My older sister ended up being my mom figure. She took me to school, fed me, showered, loved me and raised me up.

Since my father was almost never there, an uncle who lived with us in my grandmother's house was my fatherly figure. I remember him as being the kindest of guys. His smile was always so sweet and full of love, even remembering now makes me tear up. I really did end up loving him as my own father for so long.

Being the sheltered kid that I was, i had no other siblings, but a lot of cousins. Most of them were boys, but they treated me as their little sister. Two in particular, those who were closest to my age and closest to me, sheltered me a lot. Whenever I would be sad they would be there for me. They often brought me little things to cheer me up.

I really cant remember clearly when it happened, but it must had started around when I was 7 years old. My uncle, who was my fatherly figure, became ill. My grandmother has very old costums, I didn't know back then, but after growing up I can see it for what it was. My grandmother thought my uncle had black witchery done to him. They took him to many shamans and people of the such, but he kept growing worst. At last they took him to the hospital, he had cancer in the lung, but because they had waited so long and had instead searched for shamans instead of doctors, it was already too late. I wasn't allowed to see him much, him being sick and all, but when he was finally on his last days, i was finally allowed near him per his request, I remember him holding my hand singing a song to me smiling kindly, as he slowly took his last breath, softly whispering he loved me.

I think that was the point when I first started feeling empty. If i didn't talk much before, I became even more quiet.   My two closest cousins tried their best to cheer me up, but I couldn't clear the emptiness I felt at loosing my uncle.  Days passed by and they turned to weeks and months, finally an aunt of mine called a psychologist to talk with me. I went the first time. I can't remember the gender of the person who was assigned to me but I remembered they were really kind. I was asked to read a book outloud, and slowly she asked me about my day, what I liked and small things like that. A bit passed and the person was seriously annoying me. I didn't want to talk, i didn't want to read, i just wanted to be left alone, I wanted my uncle back. And then she asked about him. I felt so so empty, i remember making a mess of her office until my aunt came in and apologized. The person assured her it was fine but I refused to go out of my house after that.

I closed into myself even more and lost track of time. One day I woke up and I remembered feeling happy for the first time in a long long time. You see, today was the day my uncle would take me to the park! He had been so sick lately, but now we could finally go to the park as we used to before hand. I dressed up and even did my hair all on my own, but where was him? It was not like him to be late. I went through the whole house, but I couldn't find him, annoyed, I asked my grandma where he was.

That day was a turning point in my life. I couldn't remember all of what happened since my uncle's death, and my grandma had been really hurt too. It was a silent rule that none in the house should talk about him, much less ask where he was because he was late to take me to the park.

My grandma was really angry at me, i remember she chased me away with her broom. My cousins noticed and went to defend me, but in the end they got in the way of my raging grandmother too. She only calmed down when my older sister arrived and took me out. She asked me many questions I didn't understand, I answered her, and for the first time in a while I saw her cry. She told me uncle had gone to heaven and to not tell my grandmother that I couldn't remember anything about the previous days. I agreed, i trusted my sister, but I was still left missing my uncle dearly.

My other uncle, who had been born at the same time as my sister, took it up to himself to fill up that empty space inside of me. He took me to the park, watched movies with me, and let me cuddle with him when I had nightmares at night. As much as I loved my other uncle, I decided to willingly forget about him, since I was not even allowed to talk about him anymore. And little by little he became nothing but a sweet memory of the past.

There came the age when my father finally told us we were to move in to the United States with him. Everything was done in secret, one of my two closest cousins and his sister were staying over that night. They were a bit older than me but they knew i would be going away soon. When it was time to go, i shook my cousin that was like a brother to me, he was crying but refused to open his eyes. I then tried his sister but he was in a similar state. However much i wanted to see them off and hug them, it appeared they didnt want the same, and it was already time to go. We got to the car and my uncle drove us away, just when we were nearing the street i saw my cousin ran out of the house and yell my name. It was too late to go back thought. I could only see as he fell crying in the middle of the street as my grandma and my sister came to take him inside. The place where I lived was not a safe place to be out at night.