001

Tic tok…tic tok…tic tok...

Just like usual, it was that sound. It was always that ticking sound of the alarm clock on my bedside table. The sound that would pull me away from my sleep, more importantly, my thoughts. Something about it, that ticking, always alerted me wide awake.

When I opened my eyes and looked at my right, where I found the damned clock, I noticed it was already one PM.

'Ha, mornings really aren't my thing.' I thought while rubbing sleep from my eyes.

"Well, look, who decided to finally show up." I heard a very familiar voice say.

"Good morning to you too, mother."

"Elena, are you okay? You do look a bit pale."

I looked at he in wonder. "Oh, I'm okay, mum. I think I just slept too much."

"Hm, I see." she said thoughtfully.

Mum directed a soft smile at me, that usually meant 'Hey, I'm always here for you.' but I often wondered if it was really that way.

"Hey mum, I'm quite hungry." I heard a whiny voice next to me.

"Sophie, I think mum already knew that. You did whine, after all." I said somewhat mockingly.

"Well Elena" she said in condescending voice "I wasn't talking to you, now was I? So why do you think you should speak up?!"

"Sophia Garson!" I heard mum raising her voice. "Never speak to your older sister in that way. Do you understand me, young lady?"

"You are weak." Sophie muttered under her breath. "Of course, mum had to defend your pathetic self."

Sophia started to mutter patronizing comments. Like she usually did, when things didn't go her way. It always had power to make me feel like a lesser being. That always had me wondering, was I worth less.

"Hey, Elena. What would you like to have for breakfast?" Mum' soothing voice pulled me, from what many would call, depressing thoughts.

With that my train of thoughts broke but the uneasy feeling decided to remain.

'Like usual.' I thought bitterly to myself. 'It's always there, waiting to suffocate me.'

"Thanks, mum. I'm not feeling hungry right now."

"Elena." said mother while she watched me with her well-known stern look

"Mum" I tried whining, like Sophie did just minutes ago, in hope mum would let it go.

"Ah, alright, but make sure you eat later. Don't you dare skip on meals, dear." As always it was mum's endearing tone with hint of disappointment.

"Yes, mother." I answered with a smile, since I know how much she hates when I tease her by calling her mother.

"Hey, mum. Need any help with cooking?"

"Sophia, that's very kind of you. I could use some help."

"It's the least I can do."

It's always the same. She offers to help to shows how good she is and how she is little Miss Perfect. Truth couldn't be further than that. The problem was, she always knew how to get to me. How to mess up my mind with a single thing.

'Maybe. Maybe, it's actually me being the problem?' I sighed while I watched Sophia helping mum.

My thoughts started to comeback and hunt me. All the doubts started to rise again. Soon, just in a few moments, everything shattered. Only feeling of not belonging with my own stayed. It clawed its way deep in my brain and sadly, my heart.

I wondered if I should get up and go back to my room unnoticed. I would've pulled it off easily, I knew that.

They were so wrapped up in their own personal bubble. That bubble usually consisted of mum admiring Sophia's achievements and her being proud of her. The same conversation topic, that repeated daily. If somebody could hear my thoughts, they would say I'm only jealous and that maybe I should try to make mum proud of me too.

Truth is, I envied Sophia. If I was like her, maybe my parents would be proud of me too. Which would be nice and different from constant looks of disappointment.

'You are weak.' my sister's words kept coming back to mind.

I always knew that my overthinking would start soon. That is if this wasn't me overthinking everything already.

I went back to my room and closed the doors with a single sigh.

'Maybe listening to music will make me feel better.' I thought sadly and grabbed my phone to plug my earphones.

To pass the time I planned to look at some Tumblr quotes. Perhaps I could get motivated and feel better.

I pressed shuffle to start the music. Was very happy that Ghost by Jacob started to play. That song always knew how to take over me, especially his voice which was always so unique. The melody always felt just right, and the lyrics would hit all the right spots.

I began to scroll between different quotes, but nothing caught my attention. The app showed mostly generic quotes and those never made me feel anything. It was probably because of how daily used they were. I scrolled a bit more until I found the one that stood out.

'The word clue…. It means a hint. Something to help us search. Search for what exactly? Well, sometimes it's that someone, who is close to us. Or it could be some knowledge we have so we don't lose our way in future, especially if we are feeling lost now'

I stared at the quote and wondered if it could possibly be true.

'Did we somehow help ourselves and we didn't know it yet?'

And if we did, what traumas have we been though that would make us hide that knowledge for future and not use it now.

'Did I ever try to help myself in anyway?' I thought sullenly. 'do I even want it to be found? What if I was meant to be lost forever? Just a lost soul among others wondering why I hid my knowledge and decided to stay lost.'

I tried to recall as if I could find answers. Still, nothing came to mind.

Sometimes I can imagine my thoughts being the water flowing and me being the fisherman lost in seas of thoughts, where stormy thoughts are keeping me captive and stranded. All alone left to the merciless sea. Even though all this, questions filled my mind, it stayed blank. Not a single answer my conscious could've come up with.

There was one thought that felt like it was screaming at me, calling to bring my attention to it and only it.

'I need to block my thoughts, or they will be the death of me.'

That thought reminding me again that I am truly lost, not lost somewhere on this Earth. No, lost in my own head, feeling unable to find a way out, feeling that part of me is missing.

'Was that part something that was deeply locked in my mind and I wasn't strong enough to reach it?' I couldn't help but think that maybe it's always been this way and that I just didn't notice it till now.

Things started to get clearer and all the thoughts stopped suddenly. Songs kept playing but I couldn't register them at all. I wanted to block everything out. Bit by bit things got darker and light no longer existed for me. Everything shut down completely, even my own conscious.

.........….