January 22, 2012

It's Sunday. Him came. I was so thankful. I thought I'd been left all alone to die. For the first time, Him didn't do what Him normally does. I knew something was up. Him was silent. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me out. I thought Him was going to kill me. I was wrong.

Him threw me a change of clothes; the first new pair since I've come here. Blue jeans and a pink, fluffy sweater. It looked childish, but I didn't mind. It was warm. This winter had been so cold, and now I have something warm. Something of my own. I quickly changed, being careful while pulling the rough denim over my leg.

Him put me in the passenger seat of his car, a white Toyota of some sort. I didn't know what was happening, what to expect.

We drove for a long time. It felt like hours. Was Him going to kill me? I thought I'd be scared, but I wasn't. I was calm. I suppose I had just been through so much already. I didn't care anymore.

I thought this was it. This cult of men finally decided they were done with me after two years. They needed space for someone new.

Him pulled into a parking lot. I wasn't sure where. Him told me to stay in the car, that if I even attempted an escape, I was dead. I believed Him. But I didn't listen.

He left keys in the car, the car unlocked. I finally had my chance to escape. I watched as he slipped into the building. I didn't know what to do. Should I drive away? No, he would have his men follow and find me again. Should I get out and look for help? No. Him would see me. Him would kill me.

Then, I saw him, Chris. I was so excited, so happy. He would save me! I couldn't wait to run to him and have him hold me in his arms, to hear him call my name, to hear him say "Harper." I couldn't wait to tell him how sorry I was. How everything was all my fault. He could help.

Exasperated, I struggled to open the door and tripped getting out. The strong sunlight hurt and temporarily blinded me. I had to act fast. I ran as best I could, towards Chris. My leg throbbing with every step. I knew I had to get to him. He would help me.

As I got closer I saw him talking to another person. It was a girl.

I stopped. He replaced me. The girl hung on him like a flea on a dog. She was laughing. He kissed her. I stood there--Staring. The anger, seething through me. The betrayal, flowing through my veins. The hurt, taking over my whole body. He replaced me.

He saw me. It's his fault I was in this position. He did this to me. I gritted my teeth.

"Harper?" he asked. He took a step forward. No. No. No. No. NO! I turned and ran away. Leaving him. With Her. My replacement. He never loved me. He did this to me.

I walked back, to the car. At least with my captors I held some worth. Even as just "You." I had worth. I filled their disgustingly unique needs. I had worth to them, purpose. I sat in the car, waiting. I wanted to go back. Back to the place with care. With worth.