4 Timelines Suck

HELLO MR. ON THE RUN,

GUESS YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT AHEAD WHEN YOU THREW YOUR BOMBS IN THE TRASH.

HAHAHA HAHAHA

Don't worry human, I'm sure everything will be JUST FINE. As long as you don't get the death sentence, you can count on ALWAYS getting a letter from me.

Feel better yet?

Good then let's get back to-

YOU DON'T FEEL BETTER YET!

JUST BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR JOB, HOUSE, AND FAMILY BECAUSE YOU ARE ON THE RUN IS NO EXCUSE. YOU ARE NOT THE IMPORTANT ONE IN THIS STORY! I AM…ME…THE DESPOT OF DESPERATION…THE PRINCE OF PAIN!

GOT IT, YOU PUNY HUMAN…I AM THE IMPORTANT ONE!

Now then, let's get back to the story.

You might remember me…slightly worrying about the timeline of Blue Exorcist. I was thinking that I might have accidentally altered the timeline in some awful way.

Well, I'd like a pat on the back because I did NOT completely mess up the timeline! Hurray, Mephisto is just so much of a bastard that getting punched silly by a home intruder didn't change his the way he acts. I totally didn't pick a fake fight and let him beat me up, NO a demon like me would never fall that far.

BUT, if you do hear any nasty rumors about a certain silver-haired teenager getting beat silly by Mephisto just know that it is a COMPLETE and UTTER LIE.

Okay, so with Mephisto's ego repaired the timeline should be fixed.

To make sure, I watched the pigeon killer weirdo for WEEKS to make sure everything went down like it was supposed to.

When the day finally came, I was eating some popcorn and sitting on a floating couch that Mephisto loaned me. When the pigeon killer weirdo took a crossbow out from his backpack and began shooting I nearly fell off the couch in excitement.

I did a little jig as I waited for Rin to show up. When he did, I almost hooted out loud in joy. My joy was suddenly silenced as the pigeon killer weirdo shot his crossbow at Rin.

Now I know what you are going to say:

"BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WOULD FOLLOW THE MANGA, NOT THE ANIME!"

WELL THE MANGA DOESN'T SHOW THIS PART YOU SMARTA** HUMAN, SO I'M ASSUMING THAT THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

Whatever, I was surprised too, so surprised actually that when Rin began walking up to the three pigeon killer weirdos, I decided to do a little something.

With a little wave of my hand, the three little weirdos' eyes suddenly widened in terror and each had a suspicious wet spot on their pants spreading from their crotch.

Rin was first confused but then started laughing.

"HAHAHAHA YOU GUYS PISSED YOUR PANTS! AHAHAHAH!" He was bent over and clutching his stomach because he was laughing too hard.

When I said I was the Conqueror of Pissed Pants I wasn't lying.

Anyways, the three little weirdos got angry and tried to fight Rin, but Rin took the two sidekicks' heads and slammed them together before f***ing stomping on the lead weirdo's precious package.

I am just going to say it:

Rin is a f***ing BADA**!

I continued to watch Rin as he went through the tragic day that was to unfold. I totally didn't cry when Yukio put bandages on Rin's hands. There was some water running down my cheeks when Rin was putting on his suit. I was crying A LITTLE when Shiro did Rin's tie for him. I was crying a little bit more when Shiro saved Rin from the pigeon killer weirdo.

I had…run out of tears when Rin yelled at Shiro, so I just cried out blood. By the time Shiro killed himself to stop his possession I was bleeding…A LOT. AND finally, when Rin draws the sword I was vomiting out organs.

Don't worry though, I swallowed them back up and they got to where they needed to go…except for my stomach, which was upside down. I'll fix that later though, but I needed some new blood and my fangs aren't just for show.

Do you want to know how humans came up with vampires?

Well, it's because a certain Dictator of Dirty Diapers decided to use the fangs that they had to taste human blood. I heard it from a…friend, but apparently drinking human blood will heal me. I have of course never done SUCH a barbaric thing, who would ever think that?

So using this information, I decided that to make sure I would be alive to watch the entirety of Blue Exorcist, I would liberate the blood from a human. NOT because human blood tastes good, no no no it is not because blood tastes better than the finest wine, it is OBVIOUSLY for my health and well-being.

I ran into one of the alleys with a hood and mask on, intent on celebrating- no, healing after watching the first events of Blue Exorcist. In the alleyway, there was a middle-aged couple with a teenage daughter. Deciding to be a gentleman, I chose to liberate blood from the father.

Before the family could react, I was already fangs deep into the man's neck and he was as good as dead. Then the wife and daughter started to scream as they watched the man die before their eyes. After I had my fill, I ran off and disappeared.

I was already feeling better after that meal.

How did you like that human, I bet you wish you could have seen Rin draw his sword in real life. Well too bad so sad human, HHAHAHAHA. I even got to have an AMAZING meal to boot.

Waaiiiit…now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure I've seen that teenage girl somewhere. Hmmmmm, who could she be?

WAIT…NO NO NO I DID IT AGAIN. OF COURSE, THAT WAS PAKU, WHY THE F*** DIDN'T I CHECK IF THAT FAMILY WAS IMPORTANT. NO NO NO!

I CAN'T FIX THIS! F***!

SH**!

From,

The idiot who can't stop messing up timelines