27 The Reason To Live

Five minutes had went by since I woke up from my afternoon nap, and that was the amount of time I had remained unmoved, staring lifelessly at the ceiling.

Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to get up. No matter how much I tried, I kept finding myself tangled up inside a past that I wished would remain buried, down at the deepest part of my consciousness...as if...

...as if it was never there.

Perhaps that would have been better. If I could just forget, maybe living in this second life would be a lot easier. I could breathed freely then, without anything weighing on my existence.

Because right now, I could feel it, everything was slowly shifting. It wasn't just a simple grief and sadness that hurt me anymore. It was the hollowness, the numbness, and the sole fact that,

I was alive.

They said that the hatred that turned into vengeance would be the kryptonite that would lead you to your end.

While the shadow of your lost one would stir opened the curtain of sorrow that would lead you to a long winding path of eternal darkness. And when you were finally caught, it would be the silence that would push you to make a choice.

Stayed and be damned forever inside this abyss that would eventually drove you into madness or,

Picked up the blade and let your beating heart came to a peaceful rest. Let the final pain freed you from the inevitable demise.

I lied quietly atop the king-size bed, shrouded inside the cloak of darkness as I continued to stare blankly at the ceiling.

I knew I had already started walking towards that long winding path. I just hadn't been completely trapped yet. But the signs were already there, hinting that my feet had just stepped pass the line of entrance from the opened curtain.

I clutched onto my chest and from the tip of my fingers, I could feel the iciness of my skin underneath the thin fabric of my T-shirt.

My tears had now ran dry on my cheeks. But even with this traces of woe as proof to the existence of emotion, I couldn't feel anything.

My heart.... was numb.

It beat steadily but it felt dead to me.

And the thoughts that had incessantly climbed from the very bottom of my subconsciousness had finally found their way to my head.

I was alive.

I alone survived.

"But why? How come only 'you' survive?"

"What makes you deserved a second chance in life?"

"When you're the reason they're all dead."

I covered my face with both of my hands. It was true I did this. If only I didn't say anything, if only I could just be satisfied and not so demanding, there wouldn't be that accident and they would all still be alive.

I told them that day, "It's summer holiday. Why do we only stay at home? It's boring! I wanna go somewhere!"

Although I didn't pull the trigger, I was the one who provided the ammo.

So yes, ending my life would be easy, easier than breathing. Me being alive itself was a sin. Hence, why should I persist to exist? I shouldn't be given a second chance in the first place. I did not deserve it.

However, what I didn't deserve most was ending everything so easily.

I chuckled. 'How dare I think of escaping this reality?'

I guessed that was why I said it at the beginning, this second chance in life was not an act of mercy. It was a punishment in its deadliest form.

Even though living itself was suffocating, I had to live as a part of my retribution and I had to feel because the pain was the other half of the deal.

So I got up and headed straight to the kitchen. When I finally arrived in front of the counter, without any hesitation, I pulled out a knife from the wooden block and slashed it across my palm.

As I watched expressionlessly at the blood blossoming from the cut like a cluster of amaryllis, I waited in anticipation for the pain to come. For the pain to pinch my heart.

I didn't expect much. Just a bit would be fine. Let my heart feel once more.

Yet, the waiting didn't come to an end. Even until the cut stopped bleeding, my heart remained dormant.

I remained numb.

My face didn't change. It stayed emotionless as I stared at the cut quietly. After a while, my hand balled up into a fist. I clenched harder until the cut started bleeding again. But still, nothing.

My brain was in a mess while various kinds of methods to jump start my emotion ran through my mind. I couldn't do anything extreme that could land me onto my deathbed because I had to stay alive.

But a mere thought of my parents, of lian-ge, and my best friend, Xu Ting, couldn't fill up the hole anymore. I just felt nothing.

I giggled. "Even the pain of losing you, Lian-ge, couldn't fuel my heart anymore."

"I am truly unworthy to be loved by you. Perhaps that is why I've lost you."

However, it was at this moment when suddenly an idea went into my mind. An idea so tempting that I could feel a surge of desire that unknowingly created a small tiny wave inside my heart.

I dashed towards the study room and turned on the computer. Ignoring how the blood had dripped onto the keyboard, I began utilizing Li Fei skill in computer science to hack the network and dive into a couple of private web that posted about illegal street race.

One stood out. A lot of people commented on it and the web visitors are more than the others.

Just outside the business district, about eight kilometers of driving, there was an area for factories.

Meeting point: - The abandoned building of garment factory.

I searched through the drawers of my study desk and finally found a car key inside the top left drawer. I grabbed the key and went down to the parking lot.