60 Being Cruel

"You were never there ever since you married away. You left us! Do you know what we experienced afterwards?!" He laughed jeeringly. "No, you don't! You never care anyway. So, why should I care about you?"

"Huang Kun and I can only rely on each other. She's my twin and the youngest among-"

"Am I not your sister?" I muttered absentmindedly. I wasn't intentionally being loud so he could hear it. But, that question just automatically came out of me crystal clear since there was only us here.

"Huh?"

Huang Qian seemed to have be stunned by my question as he went silent all of the sudden.

I raised my eyes and if only I could see for myself how empty they were, it would probably surprise me. I never knew my feelings could be this complicated while facing someone who I didn't know. Someone whom I wasn't supposed to share any care.

But I did. I couldn't avoid the pain, tearing my heart apart. It didn't come as a surprise for me at this point though because it was true, this heart pumping life into this body did not belong to me.

"Am I not your sister?" I repeated the question.

"Y-You-" he stammered as his face going pale.

"Do I not deserve to be protected as well?" I asked again. It all just came pouring out suddenly. It felt like I was losing control of myself.

"It's because I'm the oldest? But I'm your sister too." Tears trickled down my cheeks. But I didn't even blink as my eyes were fixed on his figure. "Is it my responsibility to shoulder everything?"

Huang Qian looked anxious as his body became fidgety. "I-I didn't s-specifically mean that. But if...if you had been h-here-"

"If I had been here, I would have been forever father's target of focus," I continued his sentence. "But you know that already."

He bit his lower lip. "I-"

"Stop," I interjected harshly.

"Huh?" He looked at me in confusion.

"Stop whatever excuse you're going to offer because we both know it's only gonna make you look stupid."

"Sis..."

"You know why I never came back. If you were me, would you return? I'm not gonna act like some saint and apologize for leaving," I said. Then, I stared at him intensely as I shouted at the top of my lungs, "I am selfish! But so what?! I just want live!"

Yeah, this was what Li Fei would have wanted. She just wanted to survive. She wanted to know the joy of living. She wanted a chance to feel love. So, she seized the chance when it arrived before her. Was she wrong? I didn't think so. Because deep down, I knew I would have chosen the same.

"You make all these excuses and blame me for your miserable life. But, what did you do then?!" I yanked the collar of his sweater. "You didn't do shit. You let me handle it because I'm your sister! Fucking think with your damn mind! Why do I have to always be responsible for all the shit that befall you?!"

Shaking his body furiously, I continued to berate him, "You're miserable?! Fucking change things around then! You're not a baby. Why the fuck do you go around blaming other people for your lack of capability to change your fate?! Stop depending on everyone! You're a man! For fuck sake, man up!"

By the end of my ranting, I let go of his sweater and sat down again with my head looking down. My chest was moving up and down frantically as I panted from being out of breath.

Huang Qian didn't say anything afterward nor did he move an inch. We just sat there in silence. I shut my eyes. 'Well, from the start, I didn't expect an answer from him.'

But, I knew what I wanted right at this moment. I wanted to be out of this shit hole. No matter what I had to do, I had to survive. The corner of my lips curved into a devious smile. I thought it right there, if this vessel of hers didn't allow me to hurt this little brother, I would take another course of action then.

'Don't blame me for being ruthless, Li Fei. You didn't allow me to end him quick so, I would choose another method. One that would cut him deep,' I whispered to myself.

I chuckled. "You won't take back your words?"

I saw his fist clenching then and I could already predict what his answer would be.

"I'm sorry, sis."

I smirked. "Very well then." I raised my head to face him. "Since you have made your move, I would make mine, brother."

His eyebrows furrowed. "What?"

"I can't go soft on you since it will never get into that brainless head of yours."

He scoffed. "Like you said, we just want to survive."

I nodded. "Yes, brother. Very true. My, aren't you a fast learner. So, don't blame me for this, brother."

I leaned forward to his ear and whispered by mimicking his tone, "Please understand."

He shoved me away and stood up. "What the fuck you want?"

I chuckled. "I want you to choose, Brother."

"Choose what?"

"Choose. Saving Huang Kun or saving yourself?"

He knitted his eyebrows. I tilted my head seeing his reaction. Standing up, I inched closer to him and whispered, "I bet Huang Kun doesn't know it yet, right? But, how does her chest and lips feel brother? Is it to your liking?"

He jerked back instantly, staring at me like I was a ghost. I smiled at the horror reflected in his eyes.

"W-What are you talking about?"

I laughed in derision. "You should see yourself in the mirror right now. How could pretend not to know with that kind of expression plastered on your face?"

He clenched his fist and gritted his teeth at the same time. I knew he had become apprehensive now.

"I really don't know what you're talking about." He continued to deny.

"I do want to help you describe the event of that day, but just thinking of it making me want to throw up. So, I'm sorry for not being able to describe it to you." I grinned. "But come now, brother. You do know what I'm talking about since it was the reason why you landed me in trouble and got me locked up in the first place."

As he took another step back, I took a step forward. "You don't have any evidence," he retorted.

I halted my steps and giggled. "See? You know what I'm talking about. Well, how do you know I don't have it?"

"You don't!"

"I do," I directly denied his claim.

But, not being able to accept it, Huang Qian still shook his head and said, "You don't. You're only bluffing."

I raised an eyebrow. "I dare you, little brother. Try and leave things be. Let me land on that old man Bai's bed and see what's going to be on news the next day."

Huang Qian was stumped from my threat. He eyed me anxiously and I could only imagine his noisy heartbeats pumping rapidly inside his chest. It must have been suffocating. But, this was exactly what I wanted. I wished him to suffer, to not being able to breathe nor sleep for the rest of the day.

The smile on my lips turned more devious as the seconds went by. "I fucking dare you now. Choose your move wisely, little Qian."

'Show me this love you wanted so badly to protect. Let me see how you crumble beneath my feet.'

"Please. She's our little sister," he said.

"You're wrong," I sneered, "She's your 'beloved' sister. Not mine." I stressed my voice at the mention of beloved.

"Please...sis-"

"Get out now," I commandee him sternly. "Visiting time is over."

He was dumbstruck and lost his words.

"Go on," I gestured with my head, "The door is right there. Excuse me for not seeing you off."

After that, I turned my back from him and headed towards the french window. It didn't take more than two minutes before I heard the sound of the door being opened and then closed.

I exhaled a sigh of relief and dropped down onto the floor. Burying my head into my knees, a series of thoughts ran in my head.

'Was I cruel?'

'Am I bad person?'

'Mom, dad, I'm sorry. I guess you're very disappointed with my behavior now.'

'Xu Ting. I'm sorry I can't keep my promise.'

In that instant, I broke down in tears. I cried and cried till midnight passed.

'Lian-ge, I'm tired.'