25 EPILOGUE: The Nanny's Letter

To My Dearest Elle,

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If you are reading this letter, then I can only assume that our plan has gone astray. Once you read this, believe already that I am gone from this world, and I want you to live your own life in the best way that you can.

You may not know it, and even I forget it sometimes, too. But, Elle, you are still so very young. A long life awaits you, so I don't want my disappearance to be a hindrance to your own growth.

I know how stronger you have become, even in the times our relationship has gone downhill. I was always there beside you, even when you thought I didn't care for you anymore. I suppose you can say I have grown so fond of you that I had already considered you as my own child. I hope you don't mind that, but I've always wanted to be your mother figure. I cannot even believe how downhearted I was when you had said that you were looking for a mother in someone else. Miss Quisling, I suppose, was more ladylike and more beautiful. She, indeed, would have made a better mother.

But, will it be too much to ask if you would accept me too as another?

I would understand if you have come to hate me. I know how badly I have treated you in the past months. Even I know how suspicious I have been acting. Now, after all that had happened during your birthday party, I can only say that I deeply regret having done what I had. I should have come clean to you sooner. But, I was so deeply weighed down by the possibility that you would scorn my cowardly actions. After all, you have always seen me as the strong, eccentric maiden. Yet, here I am, allowing myself to become a play-toy for that wretched man of that wretched house. Even if I know I have done it all for your sake, I also worry you would hate me for that all the more.

You see, Elle, I've always longed for a family, and being your nanny has given me that chance. I've been acting as an adventurer for more than 10 years, and all that time as a man had me longing for the times I was still a girl. Frankly, I was lost, adrift in this suffocating world of mine. I had done nothing but drown myself in the escape of alcohol, and time never stopped to continue to age my weary bones.

But then, something happened.

One time, I was aimlessly passing through the streets of the royal capital. I believe I had just made that stupid announcement to all the great houses: The Lady Hestia of House Aron lives! Oh, but I was so stupid to assume my own family would easily take me back as I was. Frankly, I was shunned. Now, all of Saule Kingdom knows I had pretended to be an adventurer. The high society looked at me with disgust. Even worse, it was quite depressing to have the people you once helped as a man suddenly turn their backs on you when they learned you were actually a woman. It was a particularly eye-opening event in my sullen life.

Yet, in my state of misery, I was saved by your very name.

Tottering past me was your group of giggling maids. They all seemed like the picture of femininity, and I was promptly filled with jealousy and tad bit more of irritation. I followed them mindlessly in spite, not even knowing what I had wanted to do, and I had come to hear of the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life.

A princess, small enough to still be a babe, giving orders to have her dressed as a boy!

Ha ha! That certainly made me so curious about this princess. After all, I had thought of the same thing once in my teenage years. I rebelled without a second thought, and before I knew it, I was already an adventurer! But, you were different. So young, yet you already had such a curious thought. Perhaps, it was precisely because you were just so young. So daring, and so free. I wanted to know you.

I used all that I had, all of my connections and earned favors, in order to come meet you. I had once done a great deed for your father when I was still an adventurer, and when I finally had gained an audience with him, I was simply filled with disbelief when he easily agreed to my proposal.

Finally, I was to become your nanny, and how you were an absolute joy!

You were more than I had expected. So much smarter, and stronger, and so much wiser than I ever was. But you had me so worried on my first day of work. You cried so much that time that I worried it might have been because of me! That is why I fret about you now when you had so easily proposed that you would escape and act like a boy. Oh, how you had once dreaded just the mere sight of yourself in those clothes…

But, I know you are much stronger than that. And I know you can live on well, no matter what clothes you choose to wear. I only wish I could be there beside you. I only wish I could see you grow.

Alas, fate did not deem it well to have us together. I suppose the world doesn't need two eccentric, cross-dressing women.

Do not fear for the future, Elle. I know you will meet so many other friends and allies to guide you. I hope you have come into the guidance of Sir Elmar, the Farseer, and Lady Janmira of the Far West. They will take care of you, perhaps much better than I ever could.

I want you to be happy, my sweet. No matter where I am now, I know I can rest easier if you move on from this and live your own life. Please promise me you will.

I love you, and I always will forevermore.

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Call Me Mother in Your Dreams,

H.A.

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END OF VOLUME 1: Youthful Days

Volume 2, coming soon!