1 The Catharsis of Atheism. - Chapter 1. [Month X, Day O]

----Full darkness.

People's perspective changes according to what they manage to perceive around them.

However, for someone who was cursed by my own insignificant atheism, my unstable existence can live no more than hell itself in the flesh.

----Without any ray of light, only darkness.

What we know as "chance" is simply an alternative way of knowing "random acts" directed by a supposed "God". But as far as I'm concerned, religion itself is a scumbag that is only in charge of taking money out of the pockets of its believers.

Such a term of profit, that while others look at it as an offering, I look at it as a theft of my own humanity.

I was robbed of that which made me human.

And therefore, I will not let them rob me of the little that anchors me to this earthly world.

"Why me?" ─. I ask myself.

I never asked to be the monster that I am, I asked for absolutely nothing of what was offered to me, and nothing of what I was forced to receive.

Simply.

As far as I know.

I was about to commit suicide for the same reason, of not having any meaning in my life, much less having a God to trust and cling to my sad ignorance as a human being.

Because human beings, we are what we are, at the end of the day. There is nothing we can do to change our limits as living beings.

The difference between atheism and faith.

I have yet to fully ascertain it in words that someone as non-religious as myself could ever understand.

Because I am [God]. And I do not understand everything that happens around me, even if I have the qualities as such.

On the other hand, may I add that the way in which the life I have led so far can be described is: It could not be worse.

I was cursed with an ugly face, without any kind of attractiveness in my person, absolutely nothing.

Other than that, I always had a terrible ability to make friends, I was never good with words, much less talk about my parents, who died when I was at a young age.

I had to adapt to the abusive place of my aunt and uncle, where I had to endure from beginning to end the physical and psychological abuse that my aunt and uncle gave me.

I remember very little of the last days I was with them.

By that time.

I didn't really understand it. I was too naive a child for the first seventeen years of my crappy, shitty life.

Not having anything good, even in school I didn't get to have people around me, it's not like I minded being taken advantage of.

I wanted to get attention, no matter how little it was.

[Why is the world so cruel...?]

[God, help me pass my exams!]

[Please, all I want is to make her happy...]

[Thank you for everything, God]

[Even God can't stop me, hahahaha!]

I ignore the voices repeating day and night in my head.

As I was saying.

I was seventeen at the time, it had been so many years since I had become aware of my disadvantage below everyone else.

Because I had an ugly face, I had no relationships with others.

Because I was an introvert, I could never set a goal or a specific direction.

Because I was an idiot, I myself avoided what I was experiencing.

Of the millions of people we are around the world, there are few and far between in our history who were able to see the monsters that people hide inside.

I have never been a hard person to please.

With no ambitions, no beliefs, no demands, I was nothing more than an empty shell that satisfied its human needs to stay alive in this world.

Like a cockroach, they once compared me.

I'm just a stupid girl who clings to the idea of happiness.

That's why I had jumped off the bridge, to end my life.

Sometime between the dates of December 25, and January 16, I lost my humanity.

I had almost completely forgotten what I had lived until then.

So I look out of the train window, slightly admiring the scenery in which I find myself.

I want to have a life full of travel, after all.

It doesn't matter what I use that which took away my humanity, after all. Whatever inhibitions I had as a person are completely gone.

My name, my age, my height, my weight, my strength, my speed, my stamina, my appearance, my personality, my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, everything I was previously has all but vanished.

But there is one thing that still remains.

It is a detail that I am unable to forget no matter how hard I try.

Which makes me doubt my own existence.

If I am omnipotent, it means that I can also kill myself.

If I am omniscient, it means that I can also know the methods to kill myself.

If I am omnipresent, it means that just as I can be in everything and everyone, I can simply disappear and die.

Isn't that so?

After all, I am only contradicting the very capabilities of the concept that I was never able to accept into my thinking. The brief and feeble human conception known as "God" was never something that ever really caught my attention if I am honest.

It had never mattered to me, nor had I ever given it much thought to tell the truth.

Because it's insignificant to me anyway.

I'm an atheist, that's the thing.

But at the same time, I am "God".

What is this?

A joke? Well, I guess it's that way.

A "God" who doesn't believe in himself, that's what I "am" now.

I stopped being "Kagamine Akira" to be known as either "God" or as I like to call myself, "Kami-sama".

I was selected (cursed) arbitrarily, to become a "vessel" of the previously mentioned concept of "God".

As far as I'm concerned, I consider all religions to be bullshit (God saying religions are bullshit? What's up with that contradiction?).

By far the best theological source to follow is to believe in yourself more than anyone else.

After all, my predecessor is not as if he did too much anyway.

Yes, he may have created the entire universe and all that... but there are many unnecessary elements written within the biblical records that I've already finished taking care of without shedding a drop of sweat.

There is no one who could stop me, since after all, I am "God".

I'll be fine with people going to "Hell", but that's not my problem, it's their own.

Nor am I trying to bring about the "Apocalypse", because in fact, it's not going to happen no matter what.

I am "God", and as easily as I can make that claim, I can confirm that I have murdered with my own hands the roots of evil within humanity.

Although the seeds have already been cast, either way, it matters nothing to me. I have given free will to everything and everyone, without any distinction whatsoever.

I don't give a shit what mankind does, I was not the one who created them. That's why I think it's stupid to even attempt to look out for their safety.

They will be able to live peaceful lives, being themselves.

Sins will have no rewards or penance, I don't think I have the time to do something as stupid as that. Although well, it's not like they're all going to be forgiven either.

Like I said, I could care less.

I'll just allow them to reincarnate until their souls are destroyed, so I don't have to worry about absolutely nothing happening to them, anyway.

I have no feelings, no emotions.

I see every living thing... as if it were just an insignificant piece of shit.

I am not a person, anyway.

Whatever I decide will have an influence on the earthly world, or on the universe itself.

But in the end, we return to the same endless cycle.

Because inescapably and incomparably, I doubt my own capabilities as a "God".

Around the world... there are many details that I am unable to understand.

Like for example...

What is love?