10 VI - A smile can't hide the monster beneath it

Sorry for the lack of chapters yesterday, it was my girlfriends bday and I was extremely busy the entire day.

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The following morning I was still feeling like shit. I had slept less than two hours and even if I didn't really need to sleep as much as I used to, it was still annoying. That, coupled with my ever-growing existential crisis, I couldn't help but be in a bad mood. Something my parents, Felicia and even Jake had noticed. I had to admit, seeing my little brother worried about me made my heart ache, remembering his final moments. But luckily he was now alive and safe.

"Alan, is something wrong?" Felicia asked when we go on dad's car to head over to school. Indeed, we had been traveling to and from school together for the past week, something her mother was ecstatic about since she didn't like her daughter traveling alone. She was quite aware of her daughter's beauty.

"Nah just some dumb thoughts..." I answered dismissively while doing my best to give an honest smile. But I knew that wouldn't cut it. I felt pained just trying to smile, and I knew how awkward it must've looked. Luckily Felicia didn't press the topic any further. I didn't want to show them what I was dealing with mentally, at least not to Felicia who didn't know just what I was.

Already at school, I was expecting the usual Monday first period: Social Studies. Instead, our History teacher showed up, and said he had some exciting news to share with us. I already knew what that was about, but I didn't expect it to be arranged so soon.

"Today we have a guest who is going to share the news with you, please welcome Miss Althea Dallas, who came all the way from Scotland." He said before gesturing 'Althea' to take charge and explain just what was going on to the class, who seemed to not understand just what was going on.

"Well, I am a curator at the National Museum of Scotland as well as a historian, focused on the Celts." She explained and damn, with all the centuries of knowledge she had, she could run for president and win, of course she would be able to make everyone believe she was a curator. "I was contacted by a certain Mr. Seong about some doubts he had pertaining the Celtic culture and religion, which made me think of doing this little event for you all."

"What Miss Dallas is talking about is nothing else but a trip to Scotland to visit the museum and some other historic places related to the Celts." Out teacher continued with the explanation. As soon as they heard what it was about, the entire class went crazy. First they were all looking at me like I was the big elephant in the room, since she came because I 'contacted' her, something to which I forced a smile to show on my face. Then they heard we were having a trip to Scotland and I knew what they were thinking. A short vacation.

"The trip will be hosted by me, so you only have to worry about getting the paperwork done so you can enter Scotland. Everything else is already covered." The Ancient One explained, making the kids who didn't have the money needed to go on such a trip relish in joy. And then they all burst into a ton of questions. Would there be free time, how long was the trip going to be, where would we be staying, and so on. Meanwhile, I was talking to Felicia.

"Did you know about this?" She asked me, clearly confused and probably still thinking about my mood. It made me happy she worried about me, but at the same time I wished she didn't.

"I had no idea, I just sent a message to a historian famous for her work on Celts without expecting an answer. That was about... three months ago." I said with yet another fake smile. As much as lying to her hurt me it was, unfortunately, a necessary white lie.

"Well she must've been busy arranging all of this." She ended the conversation there. I could detect a hint of anger, probably over how dismissive I was acting. I just... didn't know how to deal with people while feeling like shit myself, and treating her coldly made me feel even more like shit. I needed to stop this loop but I just didn't know how.

After the meeting where The Ancient One told everyone about the details of the trip, school continued like usual, bar me apologizing to Felicia for acting so cold and doing my best to share a bit of how I was feeling –which I described as 'a mood'. Felicia didn't buy it, I knew that much, but she at least forgave me and we continued our day as we had done the past week. We didn't talk too much to other people, keeping mostly to ourselves, but we weren't antisocial either. Just the amount of interaction needed for people to know we didn't have anything against anyone. Also, rumours has began spreading about me beating the school's 'meanest gang'. Rumours which were pretty much confirmed by how the delinquents acted around me, as if they were walking on ice.

After school ended and we went back home, I pretty much skipped a meal and went to my room. I needed an outlet, something to keep me out of my own mind. Thus, I turned to things I never thought I would turn. Telling my parents I was going out for a bit, I summoned my wings and flew as far as I could, stopping by at a store before continuing my trip.

I just allowed my mind to drift off as I flew, going to wherever the wind took me. At some point I reached the middle of nowhere in the Kenai Fjords National Park. There, without thinking twice about it, I sank towards the bottom of Bear Lake.

I just lest go of my emotion. All the rage I was feeling, all the anger directed at myself, all the uncertainty about who I was, all the pain from losing my family, the sickness at my lack of empathy and guilt. I began screaming underwater, where nobody could see or hear me. Punching the bottom of the lake with all my strength, I could feel the shockwaves and my knuckles bleeding as the mud and rocks caved in from my punches. I spent a long time just doing that, regularly going up to breath and diving back down immediately.

Once I felt satisfied I just sat at the lake's shore, taking out a pack of beer and cigarettes I had bought at the store I stopped by. And I stayed there for a while, sipping on a can of beer and smoking as the tears flew down my face, the salty taste mixing with the bitter of the beer and the tobacco of the cig. I was, ultimately, sad.

"Just what has become of myself." I sobbed out while taking a long swig and smashing the now empty can. I was lost. At least that is how I felt. I was stuck in a dark tunnel and I had no idea of how to get out of it, and it pained me because I knew how it would affect the people around me if I didn't solve it. And I knew I needed help, but who could I ask for help? I couldn't possibly tell how I felt to my parents, even less so to Felicia and I had no friends besides her. I was alone in a broken mess and I couldn't put the pieces back together.

All that could be heard at that moment where my sobs, drowning the sounds of nature.

"Who even am I anymore?" I questioned with a broken smile on my face.

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I tried to do my best at portraying the broken state Alan is in, from bottling up his emotions to exploding. His inner struggle between the person Alan Seong and the Campione Alan Seong, the differences between them and just who he is between the two. All the bottled up anger, pain, the self-doubt, his guilt from hiding his emotions to the people he cares about, I did my best. I hope it was a good short read.