The Bringer of Truth

For all my life I have lived in the pursuit of knowledge not because I felt the intense feelings like others to know more but because It was needed to survive. In today's world being born to a single mother who is an immigrant forces one to surpass their limits every day. This is simply because of the fundamental rule that nothing in this world is fair and given to you.

Yet living a life of fighting against the fate that was handed out to you had taken its toll. Even after I became successful in my career at a young age I found myself alone at the end of the day. Living a life of not trusting others and using deceit to get ahead propelled me to live a life of loneliness. Do not get me wrong I am neither feeling regret nor sadness how my choices have left me. These choices were made for me to survive and to live a good life. I have enjoyed a life few could imagine I went from sleeping to the sofa to having the house of your dreams to having the ideal woman you could always want. Everything was right or that is what I led myself to believe.

It is often said that money can't buy happiness and for a long time I believed the opposite. Doesn't money buy you the wants you always desire? Then it can be said it is a conduit to making you happy. It only makes sense that money can in fact buy you the happiness depending on how you used it. This is why I studied hard went to a good school, increased my knowledge by reading different books such from military books like Sun Tzu Art of War to books that deal with politics such the Prince from Machiavelli. Yet as I near the end of my life I find all this accumulated knowledge and money are useless. I realized that while I never once regretted any actions I may have taken I still regretted the actions I never took.

When I was younger there was a woman who I loved dearly, it was not that cliché love that we all talk about. But true love in the purest sense to the point that a selfish self-centered person like myself would have done anything than never served my own personal needs just to make her happy. Yet life itself never seems to deliver us what we want and that love also was taken away. Now I lay here thinking for the first time what if I had done something would she still be alive today? Would I have changed the person I am today had she been in my life?

Maybe it is karma since now I sit on this hospital bed writing this journal diagnosed with cancer and meant to die in the next few days. I now wonder now if god will acknowledge and recognize all the hard work I did for him from doing charity, to helping children who were in need or even to the point of donating all my money to orphanages. In the end it could simply be that he does not exist or care and when I die ill just sleep forever never getting recognition. It could also be I have gotten emotional getting near the end of my life and the ramblings of an old man.

It was at this point I closed my book and put my pen down. I put my head back and closed my eyes and I thought "God if you are out there I would like a second chance it is not that I am afraid of dying but I want to meet her again I want to make things right and give her the happiness she deserved…. What I could not give her… God I just want to make things right"

In that moment I heard a voice "God likes to listen but never likes to respond it is truly a sadistic relationship if you ask me, but hey I'm not complaining it gives angels like me a job. So tell me old man what would you give to make that wish come true"