1 1) Familial Bonds

Cynthia and I haven't always gotten along. We used to hate each other. I would go to my nanny's house when I was younger and she would be there with her father; my uncle Chris. Whenever he would even partially scold her, she would whimper and then cry as if the girl had no guts at all. I didn't like her for that. In my mind, she wasn't strong enough to even be worthy of talking to me. I asked her once why she never stood up for herself. She replied, "What do you mean? I do."

That was the moment I had made the decision not to be her friend. I know how I am with my mom. I don't whimper: I stay silent, knowing that if I whimpered, others would look down on me. And I know my place in the family. I know that if I talk back to my mother, nothing good will come out of it. My mom has a fiery temper and it's not something to be messed with.

I had always thought that weakness came from being coddled. My mother is crazy, in my opinion. She's filled to the brim with madness. I've always been a happy child. I know when to say something and when to not.

My mom has always taught me to smile because it could change anyone's day. This is one of the only lessons she has taught me without her strict demeanor. If I make below an 80% on something, I'm beaten. Thorny switches and belts landed on my bare behind. Sometimes my mother will deceive me. She says to me: "come here, sweetheart" and she smiles warmly. I like it when she is nice to me. It makes me feel like her daughter. I am her daughter, but sometimes I feel like a soldier.

She smiles and I walk up to her. I cry, I sob yet my legs still move toward her. I know that when I reach her, she will spank me. I know it for sure, but her smile, her laugh. She couldn't possibly. I reach her, my frail steps faltering before her and she snatched my arm and I hear the loud smacks on my backside tearing itself through the room. I knew it was coming and yet I fell for it. Again. And that's just how most of those situations ended: me screaming and fighting across her lap.

When I was 8 or 9, I went to court for the first time. My parents were fighting over me. I didn't really know what was happening. My sister was with me. We sat in a large room that echoed when we whispered. My sister, Alissa, has burning strawberry blonde hair. She's beautiful and one of the only family I could ever trust. Freckles scatter her face and make her bright blue eyes shine. I'm more of the troublemaker in the family. At least, during this time. I hated my third grade teacher, Ms. Kristy. She was absolutely awful and I made sure she knew it. I was always put in the corner of the room because of her. One time, she was so awful to me, I silently cried in that corner. Nobody was watching me, so I let out all my sadness. If only I had Mrs. Christy for a homeroom teacher instead of Ms. Kristy. Yes, their names are the same, but Mrs. Christy with a C gave us candy when we did things right and treated us gently. She is a blonde lady on the more plumper side. Ms. Kristy however is dark haired and small. Her frame is simply strict like her horrible personality. She deserves everything horrible that can ever be done to her as far as wanting her dead goes.

A man called me into his office after we sat in that room. He asked me where I would like to live. With zero hesitation, I told him my mom. I don't like my step sister, Christiana. She's awful. My hatred for her runs deeper than anything I've ever known and she's the only person I've ever truly had a long-lasting grudge against. Not even Ms. Kristy could beat that.

The man nodded and I left. He called in my sister Alissa next. I don't ever remember him calling in my only other biological sibling, Skylar. He's got a very girly name but I had no opinion of him at this time. Mostly because he's never truly stood out in my life.

After that day, I moved in with my dad. There was a lot of tears involved with my mom but soon enough we were living with Christiana: my step sister, Ashlyn: my step mother, and my dad. We lived in a trailer back then. Six people living in a house was rough enough. Christiana, Alissa, and I had to share a room together in the back. We always got spanked because the room was always such a mess. I felt that that shouldn't have happened to me as I never did anything to deserve such treatment.

I told this to Ashlyn and dad as much as possible. Ashlyn got pregnant a bit later after that and gave birth to a red headed boy she named neck lie. At least, that's what I thought the name was before I was finally able to say it correctly. Nicolai. It was a very strange name. In fact, all of our names are quite strange. Mine sounds more Japanese than anything. (Ah-see-uh)

After that, we moved into a large two story house. Whenever I walked down the steps for the first time, it felt so strange. Now every time I walk down those same stairs, I wish I didn't have to anymore. If I forget something in my room, I have to go ALL the way back up.

My mother has never gained custody of me and I keep asking myself if I really want to go at all. I've already started high school and I've gotten extremely advanced grades and then college level classes next year. If I leave across the country to her, I won't have these same opportunities.

And I get a room here. My own. My pleas were answered when we moved in. I got my own room and it's almost always clean, just as promised. I've got so many things here. What would happen to my guitars if I went? Would I be able to bring them? How about just one? I'm sure that would be fine, right? What about my karaoke machine? And the nightstand I love so much? What about my clothes? And my bean bag chair? My stuffed animals? All of my shoes, bags, robes, suitcases, what about my pictures on the walls, and my special towel and my blanket? What about my cats here? I can't possibly bring all of that on a single plane ride. Alissa already chose what she wants. She wants to go. She says she's willing to leave me behind. I love her more than anyone and I know losing her wouldn't make staying here worth it. It would break me.

Here, my room is blue. I have fake vines on my walls and when plugged to an outlet, they light up. I have balloon flowers, and pictures with inspirational quotes and everything I can ever imagine a sky or heaven could be filled with. I have a picture of two girls. One is an angel with straight hair and blue gown and she was petting puppies that the girl with the curly hair and pink gown was holding.

This is a picture passed down in my family for who knows how long.

I used to have curly hair. Then I got it cut and straightened so the most I can really have is wavy. I only get the lucky curls when I try. Alissa has long curly hair. It's why we always say she is the girl in the pink gown. I can't help thinking of her every time I look at the picture.

Cynthia has curly hair, too. Oh, that's right. She used to have the same color hair as well but now it's darkened and almost colorless. She's dyed it on many occasions, usually only the tips a vibrant red. Now her whole head is a light orange color and short. She is quite curvy with large breasts.

She's also very popular with the males. I, on the other hand, am not. I'm small, frizzy haired, a nerd, and basically everything boys don't like. I've also got a strange floppy smile and bushy eyebrows, but I'm still considered the average "cute".

I met Cynthia again in middle school. After tons of family gatherings of never wanting to be around her, I had a new view of things and only desired to help the girl on her first day. She walked into home room and I know the feeling far too well to not know anyone and to just stand there, nervous.

I think I embarrassed her even more that day by yelling, "that's my cousin!" And standing up quickly. The teacher let her sit there with me and I couldn't stop smiling. Smile, Asia, smile. Always smile.

Yes, ma'am.

It seemed to only make her blush. She's shy. Maybe that's it. Maybe she was only ever introverted all those years. I became friends with her quickly and soon she was with me and my best friend Ta'Naci at the time. Ta'Nacia is very brown skinned and has an attitude made of gold. We all became great friends. At one point, I was jealous of Cynthia because she gained the interest of Ta'Nacia quickly and I started being left out of conversations and told less and less things. I was beginning to part from the group and enter a new stage of loneliness.

I told Cynthia of my troubles and she only scoffed at it. I felt ignored. She shrugged off the idea too much. I eventually told Ta'Nacia about how I felt and she began telling me things again and all was well.

When high school began, I was so ready and excited. High school has always been the opening stages to adulthood in my eyes and to know the moments of that time are nearing is the best feeling. I only wanted to learn big words and sound all smart and when I mentioned this to my friends, they laughed with me.

I'm a real hugger in the friend group so on that first day, I hug tackled Ta'Nacia and, oddly, she freaked out and told me "no" like I was a dog of some sort. I frowned at this, momentarily upset and a smile lit my face as quickly as it disappeared.

"Cynthia said something about you! Nothing bad of course but let's go see her!" I told her excitedly, grabbing her arm. Alarmed, Ta'Nacia went ahead of me. I can't remember what happened after that. I remember Skylar's friend looking down at my outfit and saying.

"That's a lot of... pink." He said, staring for a moment. I'm sure he was fairly shocked by my behavior. Only a few days before during opening house, he met me and I barely said a word, let alone hopped around in bright clothing acting all friendly and smiley.

I was very nervous about the outfit myself, wondering if the flare of the bottom would stand out too much. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to stand out, but I think it sent a message to most people out there that I am a very pinky pie, I-watch-my-little-pony type of girl and that I came across as severely ADHD and in need of some Adult Lessons 101. That sounds ridiculous to me though. I think I should be able to cherish the childish side of me for as long as I can before I'm taken away completely by the madness of adulthood and bills and stuff.

I found my friend Melody and we shared hugs and she told me how nervous she is and how she was shaking. Oddly, I felt calm, but excited. And ready. So ready.

Ta'Nacia and I stopped hanging out after a bit. We say hello to each other occasionally, but that's all. She's also very lesbian, and I guess she just doesn't like me too much anymore and would find it weird to be so close to me knowing her sexuality and all. Although honestly that makes no sense because who cares? Also, she has a girlfriend who she loves and I'm perfectly straight so why would I want to interfere with that anyway? Although I guess she has invited me over a few times, but I never got back to it.

I stopped hanging out with Melody, too. We both took acting classes and that's when I truly found out how absolutely awful the girls' temper is. I was stage manager and she was the main girl from the wizard of Oz. I played the wicked witch but I actually think it would have been better having her as it because she seems far too good at being wicked to be anything other than that.

She tried to take control of a situation I was trying to take control of and it ended horribly: with her cussing me out and me wondering how the heck I never saw this part of her coming.

After that, she's refused to give me hugs, dodged my attempts at conversation and snapped at me if I ever disagreed with her.

I realized then that it would be much easier if I would just trust family. Cynthia seemed to be the only one left. We had guitar class together and always hung out there with Dairy Queen guy. I must admit, he is pretty cool. He reminds me of the tattooed guy from Moana which is the first conversation topic I had ever brought up with the guy. And he also brought guitar picks to school and let me borrow one if I ever forgot mine which was very often.

Cynthia has had so many boyfriends that I've decided not to try and keep up with them anymore. I, too, have had a few boyfriends but they all ended horribly in some way or another. One of them was Sam. He was way too technical about things, I only ever saw him as a friend, we had one of those here-I-will-at-least-give-you-a-chance kind of relationships, and every time he touched my leg, I got a cold feeling where it would usually be warm. My hormones were in reverse mode. Plus I was distracted by the new kid, Alex. Gosh, he was pretty. Also a Freshman and at this time, I was a Sophomore. I mean, I still am, but I wasn't a freshman when he was.

Alex was pretty cool. He still is, even now. We just walk on lily pads around each other though. We dated for a bit but then he started getting creepy and I was very weak willed and couldn't do the deed so I ghosted him and cried internally every time I looked at his pained face. God, I wish so much that I could apologize to him but I can never find the right time or the right words or even the right amount of willpower and it's absolutely frustrating to me that I can't even apologize to someone. I SHOULD be able to. It's a freaking apology. Maybe one day I will be able to, but I just can't right now.

This semester, Cynthia and I have no classes together so we only ever see one another at lunch and sometimes she's caught up in a boys' arms at that point though a little sneaky smile from me, and she's with me, talking about normal things like what's for lunch and her boyfriend and other friends and classes and lots of stuff.

I got a haircut one time and Cynthia saw me at lunch and she completely lost all sense of meaning. She was shocked. Well, my hair was curly and to my shoulders. I had totally forgotten about it and thought she was just that excited to see me and I felt kind of crushed when she was finally able to squeal "oh, Asia, your HAIR! That's looks amazing!"

Yes, of course it does, I curled it.

My thought undisguised, I let disappointment lace through my voice when I reply.

"Dang, for a moment there I thought you were just really excited to see me." It hit me how honest the statement was and it felt like I had been hit by a soft stone: a small thump to my soul.

"I am excited to see you but your hair!" She exclaimed. I don't think she felt that thump as much as I did.

Lunch continued as it always did. Tonight we would go exploring.