1 2012: The Beginning of Change

"I was never a hunter, nor the hunted and I am a wallflower, an offbeat, and anything that equates to not being picked at all in physical education classes," a line that always stuck in my head, and a go to statement I blurt out when asked the question, "Tell me about yourself?" I have always lived in my own tiny bubble; with a throng of friends, I've known since nineteen-never-been-kissed-and-loved. I guess my weirdness and different way of thinking is just far too much for the world to handle.

My name is Blaire. I was born wearing white, holding a pen on the right and a thermometer on the left. I am overly ambitious, yet I have never conquered any of my goals, let alone my biggest endeavour yet, to find love and success in life. My life revolves around being mesmerized by the beautiful things and beautiful people but never ever becoming a part of it, always in the side-lines with eyes wide and jaw dropped. My quest for love, life, beauty, and acceptance was never a success... not until today.

WARNING! If you can withstand several pages of utterly boring musings of a twenties guy, then you must read on. But if not, you better put this book down instantaneously.

It's 12:00 in the afternoon and the sun is way up in the city, with its rays focused on my face as if there is a magnifying glass in between the sun and me, as I sit by the edge of my bed thinking about the shift I am about to do. Sure, it is fun to play under the sun, but this isn't Hawaii or Mexico, this is the Philippines where the heat is mixed with dust and dirt, and a little kiss of pollution in the air. I really don't understand the over exaggeration of the sun to give out sunlight to the Filipinos as if we are not tanned enough or warm enough. Is it to synthesize more Vitamin D in our bodies? Or simply to make us dark and test whether skin cancer will affect us? I really hate going to work under this unbearable heat, clad in my thick clothed white uniform and a bag full of heavy nursing books.

Ninety percent of my salary goes to whitening products (that is if it ever arrives on time and the government fund isn't diverted to other agenda) since there is a mentality in this country that fairer and whiter skin is pretty, something that I don't naturally have, so I rely on glutathione, papaya soaps and everything in between. This kind of weather, however, is kind of beneficial to me because I get to see people show just a little more skin than usual especially Jakob, the mechanic next door, who is always half naked, wearing five-inch length shorts and sweaty with all those dirt and grease in his hands. Hold on, did I forget to mention that I am gay?

Being gay in the Philippines is certainly a battle for survival and belongingness. Think about the TV-series called "Glee" but only in a larger scale and a meaner way of throwing slushies, or a shoe, or maybe a rock! Whenever close minded, homophobic, and judgmental people see one, expect that a word vomit of utterly nasty, hateful, and insulting rude words will follow. It is unfair how people treat a certain group of people in my country. Unlike some other more advanced and developed countries, gay people here are in the minority. There are mammoths of criticisms being given to other people which is honestly uncalled for.

Why don't they focus their energy and attention to straighten up their life and do something productive instead, right? How I wish my country was more like the UK where more and more people are accepting marriage equality and the LGBT community little by little.

Jakob is my brother's friend. We used to play together when we were young. I remembered once that we swam in an inflatable swimming pool wearing our cute little, tiny bathing suit. It was truly one of the best days of my life, to be young and free from the troubles of being a gay adult in this country once more.

Only a few people know who I really am so you can include closeted gay to my self-description. I never had the courage to tell anyone other than my close friends because I fear that I will be rejected and ridiculed by my own parents and family just like what happened to one of my friends. Good thing my parents moved to Cebu City with my brothers and sisters, so I was left alone here in Bacolod City. That gives me more liberty to do things that I want to do and be who I want to be with less speculating and judging eyes.

I continued getting ready for work and I finally picked up my bag and walked out the front door towards the main street not far from where I live. As I was walking past the next house, I was expecting to see him but I saw no Jakob in the garage next door. Only grease, dirt, and his car. It's like seeing the butter and cheese but not the yummy bread. Though I was disappointed, my naughty alter ego, Apollo, kicked in and had an idea. I never had the chance to see how his room looks like. Is he a messy meat or a neat beef? What colour is his mattress? Does he have a collection of anything? What sort of underwear does he like? These questions spontaneously brimmed out of my mind.

So before taking another step forward, I took a leap of faith and walked back and stopped by their front gate. I slowly turned to the windows and peeked hoping to see this magnificent place called "Jakob's room." My eyebrows met as I took a closer look. I was getting nearer and nearer and didn't mind the people around. The closer I get to the windows, the faster the beat of my heart was, as if it was in a race with the drop of sweat that's pouring from my forehead. I was very close to seeing the insides of his room when suddenly...

"What are you doing?" a judging deep voice asked. I jumped in panic, my pulse as fast as it ever was, and immediately turned around to say whatever lame excuse I can possibly think of to cover up for my busted ass. I was red all over and I could not think of anything good to say. I was left speechless because of too much humiliation, and alas! It was Jakob who caused me to be startled and choke on my own saliva.

He was standing inches away from me with one hand on his waist, and one on his t-shirt hanging on his shoulder. Our bodies are in proximity, almost touching each other. He was staring intently with wonder at me. Jakob and I are eye to eye, this should be a victory for me and yet I could not speak. It was a lovely moment, but only a fantasy. I did not know how to respond or react, but I really wanted to be in that moment for a minute, an hour, even for a day! I can smell his brusque odour, the grease mixed with sweat, and the heat coming from his body through this distance. He smells glorious! It is something that I would never get tired of sniffing and inhaling. I could possibly get into rehab for being addicted to an inhalant drug called "Jakoberidol."

A few seconds after... I snapped out of my fantasy and blurted out a pathetic excuse.

"I think my cat just went into your room..."

Really? A cat? Since when did I like cats? There is just something between me and cats that don't go along very well especially when a small sniff of cathair sends my nose flooding with mucus. Maybe I was a dog in my past life.

Jakob's face changed as he heard me speak, his stance firmer, his arms crossed. I saw the wonder in his eyes deepen and creases formed in his forehead as if he knows something is up.

"You were staring through the window. And how did you know where my room was? Also, you hate cats..."

Wait, what? How come he knew about my dislike with cats? This is not a common knowledge that I am proud of sharing since most of my friends love cats! I swallowed a big clump of saliva while sweat started to roll down from my forehead. "Here, you can use my t-shirt to wipe those sweat. The sun is surely raging in all its glory today..."

"Blaire, you look like you could use a cold drink. Come. I'll make you an orange juice."

I have known him for ages, but we occasionally talk as neighbours and this this the longest encounter I have ever had with him since we were kids, also, this is the first time that he asked me to come inside his house. He usually has either his girlfriend over or his notorious and tatted best friend named Arnold, hence I avoid contact with him and stay in my fantasy land and suffice in the images of him through my naked eye.

I immediately a gleeful "Yes," to his offer with a high-pitched and cracked voice and followed him meekly towards his house. How could I refuse such a rare opportunity to enter the den of a Filipino god? Right now, I feel like I'm having a sweet dream. I feel like I'm floating in cloud nine and all my wishes could come true.

He ushered me inside and opened the door for me. Once we were both inside, he closed it and prompted me to have a seat. My pulse is running like a cheetah in the savannah and my sweat is trailing down like a waterfall down my cheeks. I followed his every step with my eyes, to and fro, back and forth. I know that he is good with cars, but with the way he floats and walks around the kitchen made me think that he is a good cook too. Finally, we have something in common.

The world of a nurse and a mechanic is far different from each other. It is like two different planets from two different galaxies. Knowing that he could cook too made my alter ego jump for joy. I offered to help him out and headed for the kitchen. He stopped me and told me he got it all under control with a playful tone. I never thought he had that kind of personality, a rare sighting and experience that I have never witnessed before.

He threw a few questions about me, my brother, and some other things while he was preparing my orange juice which in turn, I answered with full honesty and promptness. My voice shaky and speech pressured at times, and I am unsure of whether it is due to excitement or fear.

After a few minutes, he finally went out of the kitchen. He looked even more delectable wearing only his tattered jean shorts and his white apron. His chest was more emphasized with the hem of the garment. His brown eyes in contrast with the white, and his smile looked sweeter than the orange juice. He looked like a model who just got out of a TV commercial going towards my direction in slow motion. I could stare at him all day. He is something that gay men would never ever get used to. He could be a full dinner with three main courses.

"Is there something wrong?" He asked while I was caught up in my own universe staring at him like a hungry lion. Was I too obvious?

"I think I need that orange juice. I am... parched"

He handed me the glass of juice, my hand shaking as I was reaching for it. Our skin brushed a little within the motion. I felt a gentle bolt of electricity travel through my body when we touched. I sensed a little shock in his face too when our skin rubbed. I have been a virgin all my life and like Anastacia Steele, I also need a Christian Grey to strip me off all of my innocence and naivety.

I noticed that he was staring intently into my eyes. I looked down due to embarrassment and a little bit of flattery. I never thought Jakob and I would be this close, and he would look straight into my eyes. Never did I hope or expect that something strange yet special like this would ever come to occur between us. I took a liberal sip of the orange juice and had to comment on his wonderful creation.

He took my compliment nicely and flashed his sweetest half smile. I like this side of Jakob, sweet and unassuming, as opposed to the rough and hardcore guy that I use to see each day.

"You're delicious. I mean, your juice is delicious. Thank you."

The nerves are obvious in my voice now as I tremble with every word I say. He cocked his head to one side with a narrow look on his eyes when he heard the words that came out of my mouth. I am busted! There is no covering up now. My ass is bare, and I have to escape! I finished up the whole glass and told him that I should go.

"Thank you for the juice. It was definitely yummy. I better get going. My head nurse might notice I've been late for work for almost a week now..."

I tried my best to give him reasons to let me go and did my best to keep a nice and calm voice. He narrowed his look and for three seconds, he never looked away. My sweat is running down my scalp like a faucet and my heart is about to jump out of my chest. Finally, he broke the silence and said something.

"Are you sure you really want to go now? Why don't you stick around for a little bit and see what else I can offer..."

I swallowed another clump of saliva while hearing the words that came out of his mouth. His voice was deep and sexy, his eyes piercing through mine, and the radiating heat from his body feels infectious. I could die right in this moment. I moved away a little, but he moved closer with each try.

"Blaire, you have no idea how long I've waited just to have this chance to get you inside my house."

"Really? Me too! I mean... Why so?"

"Because I know something about you... And I find it very interesting..."

My pulse is galloping like a horse and my throat is closing as if I am in an anaphylactic shock. What does he know about me that is interesting? In fact, I don't think I'm interesting at all. He took his apron off and showcased how handsome of a man he is. His body is built like a god, and it is not even because he has 6 or unusually-many-pack-abs.

He ran his fingers in his wavy hair and flexed his muscle a little bit. His scent got even more prominent now that his body is more exposed. His eyes used to be brown but now I can see it turn dark with passion. My body is going through all sorts of shock.

He dared to lay his finger in my face, and I immediately felt a zapping bolt of electricity run through my body. I just sat there in awe of what I was witnessing with my eyes. I did not know how to react or what to say. I was tight-lipped for a few minutes while my pupils were fixed and dilated.

"I want you Blaire. I want to know how gay guys have sex."

He took the glass and threw it to one side and pulled me close towards his warm body. I can feel his heartbeat run fast, faster, and fastest now that we are chest to chest. My body reacted with every trace of his excitement, my mouth salivating and yearning to feel his glory in.

My feelings are becoming more exaggerated than they already are. Something in me kept on growing and growing and pulsating. I have never thought that it can be harder and sterner than it used to be.

Each vibration that's coming from him felt delicious. I want him and I want him now. He stood up as I am still seated in his brown leather sofa. His hands rested on my shoulders. He pulled me close to him and felt his hard stick on my chest. Is this really happening? If this is a joke, then this is a good one! I was waiting for him to laugh but...

"Touch me Blaire..." His voice, deep and seducing me to do his will as he looks at me with intent, his lips pouted with a half-smile. His jaw could cut through these clothes I am wearing, it is sharp and intense.

Those words heightened the horns and without thinking, I grabbed his butt and pushed him even more to my chest and lowered my head to meet his groin. I was hungry for what he has to offer. I wanted to open his package and devour it all at once.

He closed his eyes and tilted his head up as he rubs his crouch against my face. He then looked down and landed his damp hand in my pallid face. He looked me in the eye for a few seconds and sealed my wet mouth with a searing kiss. It was a magical moment, a once in a lifetime event, a dream come true, my fairy-tale happy ending.

I closed my eyes as the motion of our heads join in a rhythm of unison. He tore my white uniform off in one swipe without removing his hot lips from mine.

"I want you Jakob..."

The excitement escalated as he hurriedly removed his pants and exposed the glorious tool hides. It was not the biggest I've seen compared to all the porn stars I've been worshipping but still, it's Jakob's so I don't mind. He undressed me piece per piece, and my body arching further and further the more exposed I became. I do not have a well-toned body and I am not used to baring it all in front of anybody. He assured me by looking me in the eye, giving me a half smile before sealing my lips with a sweet kiss.

I removed the last piece of clothing he has and there goes his glory tool springing. I dared to swallow it in my mouth, and it tasted divine. It was the only flavour that can satisfy my hunger for love, sex, lust, everything! He moaned a bit as I he glided in and out. He responded by pounding it in my mouth and caressing my body. Then, everything went on a blank. I woke up next to his naked body and all I can feel is the pleasurable pain building in between my legs.

I peered on the clock, and it was noted the time. It was 18:00! I hurriedly got up and dressed myself while Jakob still lays in bed like a warrior taking refuge after winning the battle. His expression sweet and serene. I took one last glance of his glorious face before I ran out of his house as fast as I can.

It was 18:30 when I came in rushing to the hospital. Thank goodness heavens, not as a patient but still as a nurse though I was limping every now and again from the most unimaginable event that I have just partaken. I approached my supervisor and attempted to apologise for my tardiness but could not pull off a straight serious face. All I can remember was my time with Jakob. Me apologising with beady eyes and smirky smile did not go well with my supervisor. I was late and was reprimanded by my supervisor ultimately not only because it has been habitual but because I showed up at the end of my shift without notifying them.