11 Patient #3- Ko Shinwon

The sweet sound of the violin filled the air.

Shinwon was performing Paganini Caprice No. 1, notably one of the most famous violin pieces of all time. His father sat in front of him, watching his posture, his facial expressions, the way his fingers moved on the violin. He listened to the music.

Shinwon's anxiety was through the roof. He knew how to play the song perfectly, but when you had an audience, especially one as critical as your own father, it was easy to mess up.

He took a deep breath and kept playing. He was almost done! There were only a few more measures left-

~Squeak~!

Shinwon gasped and opened his eyes. His father, a drink in hand, looked at him angrily. "You haven't been practicing, have you?"

"I-I-I have, f-father. I j-just messed up."

"I told you this piece had to be played to perfection!" His father shouted. He slammed his drink down, causing Shinwon to jump. "How do you expect to get that scholarship if you can't even play Paganini correctly?!"

Shinwon gulped and nodded. "I-I'll do better, I promise."

"You say that every time!" His father stood and started toward him. Shinwon, despite being sixteen, cowered in front of his dad. "I thought music was your life, Shinwon! If it was truly your life, you wouldn't be messing up like this!"

"Father I-"

His father slapped him across the face. Shinwon stumbled backwards and covered his face. He had put the violin down prior to this.

"Tomorrow I expect you to have it perfected. If not, I'll be a little more stern."

Shinwon shook and bowed to his father. "O-Okay father."

He took his violin and rushed upstairs to his room, eager to get away and finally be able to cry.

He put his violin down on his desk and let the tears fall. He was sixteen, still two years away from graduating... he had things to worry about now, but instead his father was forcing him to play the violin for college.

He sat on his bed and cried. His nails found his right arm and he started scratching, trying to hurt himself to distract from the sadness he was feeling.

Shinwon had extremely bad anxiety since he was young, but he was never diagnosed. His dad always said people with anxiety were weak minded, and he refused to believe that his first born son could possibly have it.

He had frequent panic attacks, but he always had them by himself. If his father saw, it would only get worse.

When he first started out, he loved music and he wanted to pursue it in the future. But now... every time he heard the word music, or had to play music, he would get nervous, and it would eventually lead to a panic attack.

He felt sick. Broken. Weak.

Maybe his father was right. Maybe he was weak. Why couldn't he just get over it and suck it up?! Shinwon rubbed his eyes and kept scratching.

The scratching was what he did to try and calm himself. It was a distraction and the pain from the scratching felt better than the internal pain.

Before he knew it, his arm was gushing blood. He had scratched through his skin and was now bleeding everywhere. He gasped, then hurried to the bathroom.

He pulled his shirt off and began washing his arm off. He glanced in the mirror as he did this. His arms, his shoulders, his chest, his stomach, they were all covered in either scabs or bandages or scars. His legs were the same way. He never scratched his face or neck because his father would see, and he couldn't have that.

"Ah..." he gasped in pain as the water cleaned his wounds. He grabbed some bandages and wrapped them around his arm as quickly as possible. Then, he put his shirt back on and made sure the sleeve covered up the bandages.

Okay... that was a little better.

He went back to his room and laid down. Maybe if he fell asleep the pain would go away. His brother had become more obedient and respectful of their father. He'd often said he wished his brother was the older one because he knew he'd be disappointed by expecting so much out of Shinwon.

He closed his eyes and let himself drift to sleep.

*************

One month later...

Shinwon sat backstage, staring at the ground. He was auditioning for the scholarship today. He took deep breaths. His parents were in the audience with his little brother.

He couldn't disappoint them. If he did, his father would never let him hear the end of it. Shinwon clutched his violin, doing his best not to start scratching his arms. He rocked back and forth slightly, trying to steady his breathing.

"Applicant #6: Ko Shinwon."

He gulped and stood. "Okay... here we go..." he took one last deep breath, bowed at the person that was exiting the stage, then walked on himself.

The crowd clapped politely as he took his place on the center of the stage. He bowed to the judges, then to the audience.

"What song will you be performing, Mr. Ko?"

"I will be playing Violin Concerto by Ligeti," Shinwon told the judge. The judges gasped.

"That is a very difficult piece, Mr. Ko."

Indeed it was. It was actually one of the hardest pieces to play on the violin. Shinwon had been practicing this piece for years, and by now he could do it in his sleep.

"I can do it."

He saw his father in the audience and gulped. He stared at him, hands folded, eyes narrowed. Shinwon rolled his shoulders to calm himself down.

"Well, whenever you're ready, you can begin."

Shinwon closed his eyes and brought the violin up, positioning it on his shoulder.

The room had been completely silent.

Shinwon began to play.

It came natural to him, but this was the most pressure he had even been under. His entire future depended on getting this scholarship, his dad's acceptance depended on getting this scholarship. He tried to forget all of that as he played.

The song itself was so beautiful. He really did like music, but after all of the things he'd been through, he wasn't sure he did much anymore. It wasn't even fun at this point. It was just hard work and stress.

He swayed slightly with the music. His fingers were calloused from the violin strings, but he didn't notice anymore.

Shinwon did not open his eyes, because if he did, he would see everyone staring at him. Instead, he used his ears, and focused only on the music.

He was close, so close!

~Squeak~!

Shinwon gasped and his eyes shot open. The judges turned to one another and murmured. He saw his father's angry, disappointed face and stopped playing. His future... his scholarship...

Right down the drain.

The world spun around him. Now what? He just messed up.

He really just messed up, in front of everyone.

Oh no.

Shinwon's breathing began to escalate. No Shinwon, this is the wrong time to have a panic attack! Your father is right there!

He couldn't stop it. He begins to hyperventilate. He rocks back and forth.

"Mr. Ko? Are you okay?" The judge who addressed him before asked.

He shook his head. "I-I-I'm s-s-s-sorry!" He started to cry, dropping the violin at his side. His father stood.

"Shinwon!" He shouted angrily.

Shinwon felt dizzy. He could barely breathe. His knees buckled and he dropped.

The judges and his mother rushed to his aid as he convulsed.

He had never ever had one of these before. He began to shake. He felt as if he was no longer in control, as if his muscles had a mind of their own.

His mother's face was above him. "Shinwon! Are you okay?!"

He couldn't respond. His breathing had gotten so shallow that his entire body felt numb. Shinwon passed out a few moments later.

***********

Shinwon, after he had the seizure at the audition, went to the hospital and was diagnosed with a panic disorder and extreme anxiety. They also discovered his scars and put him on some medications to calm him down in stressful situations. When his father found out, he disowned his son and took him to the Pentory State Mental Institution roughly a year later.

They took him in when he was only seventeen years old.

Shinwon has been a Patient for 7 years.