5 Chapter 5: "There’s only too much hurt a person can bear"

"We did everything, but," the doctor held his head down, unable to look at me directly in the eyes. "We were too late."

'What?'

My eyes widened when I heard what the doctor had said. My mind is still processing what the doctor meant, and I shook my head, denying myself of accepting the reality that had just been delivered to me.

I stared at the doctor, my eyes pleading for it not to be true. When the doctor just apologized once again and left the room, reality came crashing down on me in waves, and I'm unable to deny it any longer. Tears just started streaming down my face, and my chest hurts so much that I can't breathe.

'My only hope.'

When did my world start to collapse? My dreams, my family, my love.

'And now, my last string of hope.'

They took away everything.

I grabbed the bedsheet from beside me and held it in a tight fist. I can't control my surging emotions, and I feel like if I don't hold onto something right now, I'd want to throw everything away. From sadness to anger, I can feel them all at once, and I just want to smash everything in this room into pieces.

'Like what they did to me.'

I grabbed my chest, gasping. I didn't know that sadness and anger could hurt physically until now. Every muscle of my body ached as I cry as loud as I can. Every time I tried to breathe, my chest constricts and delivers such excruciating pain all over me.

I cried and cried without care of who heard my painful screams. I wanted them to know how much pain they had put me through, and hope that they will feel the same.

***

'I'm back here.' I scoffed at myself when I realized that unconsciously, my feet dragged me to the place filled with memories that I tried so hard to bury.

I sighed and sat on the bench that we used to sit whenever we are spending our idle time here in the park. The park pretty much looked the same. I guess since no one really spends much time here, they did not bother to develop it further.

The park is still pretty much deserted at this time. The bench I sat still looked the same, except that there were more writings on it, and it looked a little older now.

I leaned back on the bench and stared at the sky. Everything that had happened earlier came crashing back to me. I held my fist into a tight grip as I remembered the hurtful words that Ansel had said to me and how he looked at me with such fury in his eyes.

'How can he say those words to me? How did he even come into that conclusion?'

I only told him to cut all connections with us because as I slowly moved on from the past, I hoped he could do the same. I don't know how he fared all those years. He might have moved on a long time ago, especially since he is living a much better life now, but I think that we would never be able to fully let go of the past if we are still constantly reminded of it.

And I just thought that it would be better for the both of us if we cut ties right now.

I never thought nor expected that we could go back to the way we were before. I only met him because I was the representative of our company. I never planned for anything to happen between us again. I knew I caused too much pain for us to work out ever again, and I'm not that callous to forget what I did.

I knew I hurt him, and I don't have any excuses for my past actions. I can accept all the hatred he has towards me.

But did he ever think that maybe I had a reason why I left? Did the thought that maybe his family was behind all of this came to his mind?

And how could he accuse me of being someone who only wants him for his money?

I suffered a lot because of him; because I wanted to be with him.

Because I love him.

How could he think that I left him because I'm tired of living in our small apartment? That apartment was everything to me. Even though we could not live as comfortably as we had expected, my happiness is in that apartment – with him.

He is not the only one who gave up a lot of things just to make our marriage work. I sacrificed so much for him, even my dreams and my family. Even if I could lose myself, I did everything for him.

Yet after going through so much together, how could he even think like that towards me? How could he say all those things to me?

I felt tears streaming down my cheeks, and the sky filled with stars suddenly became blurry. There's only too much hurt a person can bear, and after everything I had gone through in the past, I don't think I can bear all the hurt he's making me feel right now.

I knew I also hurt him because of my cowardice, but doesn't everyone deserve to have their own happiness? I don't care if he'll brand me as a coward once again, but if I want to be truly happy, I have to cut all ties with him this time.

I don't want to have anything to do with him. Seeing each other will just make us remember all the hurt that we've brought upon one another and would only make our lives more miserable.

Since I'm pretty sure that we would not get the contract with his company, I'll go back to Japan soon and forget everything that had happened. I'll do everything to make my mother go with me so there will be nothing that could tie me back to this country.

***

I didn't notice how much time had passed since I arrived in the park. I kept myself busy, thinking about how I could convince my mother to move with me to Japan, yet every option I could think of seemed like it would lose against my mother's stubbornness.

"What do you think you're doing?" A thunderous voice snapped me out of my thoughts. My eyes widened when I saw Ansel in front of me, panting as if he had run in a marathon. The coat that he was wearing earlier was gone, and the top button of his dress shirt is now undone. "Your mother is worried sick! Where is your phone?!"

I cannot believe the sight in front of me. Sweat dotted on Ansel's forehead, and he was even breathless when he arrived here. If I was still my old naïve self, I would think that Ansel had been running around looking for me. His eyebrows were furrowed as he looked straight at me with anger and relief in his eyes.

As if he is worried about me.

'How did he find me?'

I remained silent, unable to answer the barrage of questions. I kept staring at the man in front of me, looking so captivating despite being slightly disheveled. When he noticed my unresponsiveness, he sighed and sat on the bench beside me, sitting as far away from me as possible.

Memories of both of us sitting here in this place suddenly flashed before my eyes. The cold breeze against my skin and the serene surrounding made me feel nostalgic as I am reminded of our past together, and without thinking too much of it, I suddenly spoke my thoughts.

"Do you remember how we used to spend time here?" I stared at the vast area of the park ahead of us. "We used to stay here just talking about anything, and we sometimes even make up weird stories about the people that passed by." A soft chuckle left my mouth at the recollection. "Like a bunch of kids."

Ansel did not reply. He merely stayed silent beside me, listening to my every word. "Do you remember how we talked about our future kids' names?" I scoffed at the bittersweet memory. It seemed more like a fantasy compared to our current reality.

"Do you remember when you surprised me on my birthday with a simple candlelit dinner at home? You even scattered rose petals all over our apartment." I paused, remembering the sweet atmosphere that we had at that time which I ruined in the end.

"Yes," Ansel replied much to my surprise since he had been silent the entire time. I turned my gaze towards him and found him staring at me. "You were happy when we were eating dinner, but you got angry after because you said that it was impractical to spend way too much money on candles and flowers."

I chuckled. I remembered how he sulked at that time because of my nagging. I spent the entire night coaxing him and ended up not being able to go to work the next day. He has just way too much stamina compared to mine.

Silence surrounded us once again. This time, the silence felt comfortable as we reminisce our past. I could feel a small smile decorate my face as the happy memories that we had together flash before my eyes. They say that life flashes before your eyes just prior to your death, and maybe, I'm being sentimental over our memories because of the impending farewell between us.

'This would be the last time.'

I inhaled deeply, feeling my chest constrict lightly. "I won't ever bother you again," I spoke, my voice filled with the determination that I had gathered during my short stay here, mulling over what I should do. "I just came back because of my mother. Soon, you won't be seeing me again, so you don't have to worry."

I did not wait for him to speak. I stood up from the bench and turned to face him, staring directly at his blue eyes. "And I don't plan on ever getting back together with you if that is what you are worried about."

He merely stared at me, as if he's looking for something on my face. This was the best solution I could think of, to finally cut ties with him. I was not able to say goodbye to him before when I left so suddenly, but right now, I thought I should say it clearly so that there would be no more expectations between us.

That was probably why no matter how hard I tried, I could never find myself to become truly happy. There was always this little part of me that hopes to go back to the past and be with him again. I never had the closure that I never thought I needed.

"I'll go now." I smiled lightly at him. I turned away from him and started walking but was prevented by a grip around my wrist. "I'll drive you home," Ansel said, his voice void of any emotions.

I stared at him, looking for anything that could clue me in with his intention, but found nothing. I merely nodded and let him guide me towards his car with his hand still wrapped around my wrist.

The car ride was silent. I did not try to speak to him and just let the silence surround us the entire time. I already said my piece and I don't want to ruin anything anymore by letting my mouth run off again.

When we arrived at my parents' house, I thanked him before I opened the door. He did not look at me but merely stared at the view in front of him.

Before I could leave the car, I spoke, "I'm sorry for making you run around looking for me." I smiled sheepishly at him, slightly ashamed of myself. "But, I'm not sorry for slapping you. You deserve it."

He turned to face me, his expression was unreadable. I waited for him to speak, but when he remained silent, I finally went out of the car. Before I closed the door, I smiled at him and spoke once again, "Good night Ansel. I hope you find your happiness."

I did not wait for his reply. I shut the door close and started walking towards the front door of our house. Without ever looking back, I entered the house, closing the door behind me.

But even after I closed the front door, I did not hear Ansel's car drive away.