4 Chapter 4: "I was too focused on my own pain that I forgot about theirs"

Ansel wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we sat on one of the benches in the park near our apartment. The park is usually deserted near sunset, hence, we sometimes take this time to sit idly and feel the evening breeze.

I snuggled closer to Ansel and tilted my head against his shoulder. I love spending time like this with him, just the two of us talking about our day or sometimes about our plan for the future.

When a child, holding her mother's hand, passed by the park, I felt a small smile decorate my face. The child looked adorable as he happily skips while holding a toy airplane on his other hand. I suddenly imagined Ansel and me sitting here on the bench with little Ansel between us.

As if reading my thoughts, Ansel asked, "What would you like to name our future kids?"

I raised my head from his shoulder and stared at him with amusement. "You want kids?" I teased.

"You don't?" Ansel frowned, disappointment evident in his voice, and I felt my heart squeeze a little.

"Of course I do," I smiled widely at him and relief flashed over his face. I placed my head back on his shoulder and spoke, "I would love to have a little Ansel running around the house."

"I think a little Alina is much better," Ansel interjected. "Or we could have both."

"I'm the one who's giving birth," I lightly nudged his shoulder with mine. "My mom said that she had a hard time when she had me."

"Then let's have twins. You'll give birth once and you already have two kids."

I raised my head once again from his shoulder and looked at him, checking if he's serious, but Ansel just laughed when he saw my expression. "It's payback for teasing me earlier."

I rolled my eyes at him. He then pulled me closer to him and kissed the top of my head. I nuzzled my head on the crook of his neck and he spoke once again, "I don't care about our future child's gender. I just want to give him or her a good life."

I stared at him and smiled widely.

'I don't know what I did to deserve such a beautiful man.'

"What?" He furrowed his eyebrow, questioning the huge grin on my face.

"Nothing." I placed my head back on his shoulder and spoke again, "Just thinking of what to name our future kids."

We spent the rest of the evening talking about the possible names of our non-existent kids and went as far as choosing which schools to send them. I didn't know that Ansel is already planning so much for our future since we're still quite young, but I guess I'm happy with whatever future we'll have as long as we are together.

***

It was almost three in the afternoon when I finished my mother's hospital discharge paperwork.

I wasn't able to wake up early hence it took me until afternoon to finish all the requirements and paperwork for my mother's discharge.

Yesterday was quite chaotic.

I found out that my mother remained in contact with Ansel despite the fact that we were already divorced. Five years ago, my mother apologized to Ansel multiple times on my behalf. She apologized for my brash action of leaving without even saying goodbye nor explaining the reason why I left.

It hurt a lot when I heard Ansel admit how miserable he was when I left. At that time, I didn't think much about the people I'll be leaving behind. I was too focused on leaving that I forgot the people who will be hurt because of my actions.

'I was too focused on my own pain that I forgot about theirs.'

I couldn't sleep much because I kept imagining Ansel's reaction five years ago upon finding out that I left. What emotions did he feel at that time? Was he sad? Was he angry at me? Did he try to find out why I left? Or where I went?

I kept tossing and turning all night, thinking about the past that I could never repair. I realized that I did not regret choosing to leave the country for Ansel's sake, rather, I realized that the only regret I have is letting the people I love the most experience agonizing pain because of my cowardice.

'But what else could I have done at that time?'

When I finally fell asleep, it was almost daybreak, hence, I wasn't able to wake up to my alarm. It was almost lunchtime when I finally woke up and went to the hospital to check if my mother is already allowed to be discharged.

After getting the doctor's approval to let my mother go home, I have been running around the hospital, filling up forms for my mother's discharge, which I did not expect was a lot. I also made sure to get her prescription from the pharmacy so we could leave straight away.

After I finished everything, I went back to my mother's room to fix her things up and make sure that we don't leave anything behind. Afterwards, I'll book a taxi for both of us.

Once I opened the door, a familiar figure welcomed me, and I furrowed my eyebrows when I realized who it was.

Ansel was standing at the center of the room with his imposing aura. He was wearing a black suit with a grey dress shirt that fits perfectly on him, and he's carrying what seems to be my mother's bags.

"What are you doing here?" I spoke, my voice sounded like I was reproaching him, as I walk towards where he stood.

'He just came here yesterday, and now he's back again?'

I did not notice my mother who was sitting on the small sofa in the corner of the room until I heard her speak. "He came to give us a ride home."

I turned towards my mother, my face filled with disbelief. Why would Ansel, a very busy man, come to the hospital to give us a ride home?

'Unless my mother asked him.'

I will definitely make her talk later.

"You just arrived on time." My mother spoke again, ignoring the scowl on my face. She stood up from her seat and walked towards me. "Ansel was just going to put the bags in his car. We should go with him now."

My mother grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room, Ansel following us from behind. "Why is he here?" I hissed at my mom, making sure that Ansel could not hear us.

"He found out that I'll be discharged today so he volunteered to give us a ride home." My mother smiled and continued, "Isn't he sweet?"

"That's not what I meant, I—"I paused when I saw Ansel walked ahead of us once we were out of the hospital building. I sighed and decided to continue our discussion once we were back home. We followed Ansel in silence until we arrived at his black Audi. He went straight to the back of the car and placed my mother's bag on the trunk.

"I'll sit at the back." My mother announced. She dropped her hold around my arm and almost ran towards the back seat. My face was once again filled with disbelief at the blatant acts of my mother.

Once Ansel and I were left alone outside of the car, I looked at him and said, "I'm sorry for making you do this."

Without even a reply, he broke the eye contact and opened the passenger seat for me. I stared at him for a moment and silently entered the car. Once I'm settled in, he closed the door behind, leaving me and my mother alone inside the car. "We have to talk later," I spoke sternly to my mother.

"Yes, yes," My mother just shrugged, her face filled with amusement, and leaned comfortably in her seat.

I sighed as I pulled the seatbelt across my body. I kept getting swept up by my mother's antics. She must have been planning something, that is why she is doing all of these things.

'I have to talk to her about it.'

Once Ansel entered the car, he wore his seatbelt, started the engine, and drove away from the hospital.

***

The car ride was quite uneventful. Since my mother was here, I knew that what happened yesterday during our ride home may not happen today. Ansel acts differently once my mother is present, and I knew that he would not treat me the way he previously did if my mother is around.

I took the time to once again admire the city that I missed for five years. I zoned out my mother's conversation with Ansel, knowing that if I ever join the conversation, I'll be once again be entangled with her plans.

'If only I could make her realize that Ansel and I will never go back to the way we were before.'

We arrived at our house sooner than I expected. I guess time flies if you're not having somber talks with your ex-husband.

Once we arrived in front of our house, I stepped out of his car and helped my mother from the back seat. Ansel picked my mother's bags from the trunk and helped us bring it inside the house.

Seeing him standing in the small living room again made my heart squeeze a little. I was thrown once again to the memories of the past, and before I wallow again in reminiscence, I shook my head out of all the thoughts.

"Thank you so much Ansel," My mother beamed once she settled in on one of the sofas in the living room. "Would you please join us for an early dinner? As a thank you for giving us a ride home."

I widened my eyes at my mother's suggestion. Did she really forget what her daughter did to him that she had the guts to ask him to have dinner with us that easily? Did she really believe that the two of us would just sit down around one table and happily eat dinner?

"Sorry, but I have to take a rain check," Ansel replied as he placed the bags on the floor of the living room. "I have a meeting this evening."

I sighed in relief once I heard Ansel reject my mother's offer. I would probably get indigestion from the atmosphere that we'll have if he ever accepted.

"Then tell me once you're free," My mother said. "I'll cook your favorite dishes."

Ansel smiled a little and replied, "I'd love that."

'Wow, my mother's tenacity is just frightening.'

"Alina," My mother called, making me pull my stare away from Ansel. "Will you send Ansel off to his car?"

Since I knew my effort in rejecting her will be for naught, I simply sighed and gestured for Ansel to leave the house first. I was caught by his blue eyes when he turned towards me, and I can't help but be fascinated at how beautiful it is.

'It looks like the blue of the sea whenever the sun shines on it.'

I remembered how I used to always be captivated by its exquisiteness, and until now, I'm still a prisoner for those eyes that seem to pierce my soul.

When I realized that I was staring at him, I turned my gaze downwards. 'He still has that effect on me.'

I followed suit once Ansel left the house. I stared at his back as we walk towards his car, thinking about whether or not to speak to him.

When I finally had the courage, I called out to him, my voice almost breaking, "Ansel," He turned around to face me with a cold look in his face.

'He was smiling just moments ago to my mother.'

I looked down on my fidgeting hands, and continued, "Thank you so much for giving us a ride."

"It was for Elena," Ansel replied curtly. He used to call her 'mom' when we were married, but now he simply calls her by her name.

'Of course, she is not his mother-in-law anymore.'

"I'm sorry about yesterday," I spoke once again and raised my head to look at him. "But I still think that it would be best for us not to have any connection anymore."

Ansel furrowed his eyebrows, "Is my presence bothering you?"

I widened my eyes at his reply. "No that's not it—"

"Oh right!" Ansel cut me off. He voiced filled with mockery. "Last time, you left because you cannot bear to be with me anymore."

I curled by hand into a tight fist, unable to bear the anger in his words directed at me. Before I could even utter another word, he spoke again, "I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for Elena."

"And I hope you'll stop," I spoke without even thinking about what I'm going to say. The words just came out of my mouth before I realized it. "She's getting the wrong idea that there's a chance for the two of us to get back together."

The look on his face almost made me cower. His eyes looked furious as he stared directly at me. I can't look away from him even when his next words broke my heart to multiple pieces.

"That's never going to happen." He spat out.

"Or is it you who's getting the wrong idea?" He snickered, his eyes looking at me with such disdain. "Did you change your mind after seeing me again? Do you want to be with me now that you won't have to live a miserable life in a small apartment? The very reason you left."

Before I could stop myself, I felt my palm connecting loudly to his cheeks. I could feel my heart surge with sadness and anger at the things he is accusing me of.

'Did he think that little of me? Was I that petty in his head?'

Words started flowing out of my mouth at the same time as my tears started streaming down my face.

"If that is everything that I wanted from you, then I won't have to endure living in that small apartment with you for two years. I won't have to take in all the insults and mockery from your family just to be with you." I inhaled deeply, feeling my chest constrict at the pain of remembering the past.

"I endured everything because I love you! No matter how painful it was for me when," I paused and bit my lip, preventing myself from saying something I should not. I glared at him with much hatred that I could despite the blurry eyesight caused by my tears.

"Never did I regret being with you for those two years."

Without looking back, I ran away from him as fast as I could.