Chapter 3: "I just wanted to apologize for all the hurt that I’ve caused even though it would never be enough"

"No no no, dad!" I cried out as I watch the nurses cover my father's lifeless body with white cloth and drag the bed where he is lying towards the exit of the room.

This can't be true.

He is already recovering. I just saw him yesterday and it seems like he is already doing well. He even told me that the four of us should have dinner together once he's out of the hospital.

'Why did you suddenly leave us dad?'

When the nurses finally left the room, my knees suddenly became weak, and before I could fall, I felt Ansel grab me by the waist, hoisting my body upwards and hugging me close to him.

"Ansel, my dad," I gasped, my sobs drowning out my words. I could feel my chest tighten as the pain of losing my father swallow me whole.

My dad is gone.

'I can't believe it.'

He would not just leave me and my mother like this. He was a fighter. He has been undergoing various treatments and he promised that he would do his best to recover soon.

"I'm sorry," Ansel whispered as he slowly moves his hand up and down my back as if to soothe my trembling figure.

I buried my face to his chest and felt his arms around me tighten. My sobs became louder as I cry without care that I'm still in the hospital room where my father was previously confined.

Ansel stayed with me the whole time. He did not say anything. He merely held me in his arms and let me cry myself out. His gentle caresses on my back filled my cold body with warmth.

***

"Alina?" My mother called, pulling me back to reality. I blinked twice, still not believing the sight in front of me.

'Why is he here?'

"I heard the two of you met yesterday?" My mother spoke with eagerness in her voice. There's an unknown sparkle in her eyes as if she's expecting something from that simple meeting.

Yes, we met, but the occurrence made me feel like I was run over by a bulldozer multiple times. He insulted me to my face and made little of my hard work by saying that I'm using our past to get the contract.

"I'm glad that you are in good terms now." My mother continued.

'No we're not.'

Unable to speak, I merely nodded my head in reply. I still couldn't believe that Ansel would actually visit my mother in the hospital. With the way he treated me yesterday, I thought he did not want to have anything to do with me anymore.

'And now he's here in the hospital visiting my mother? What a contradiction.'

"I should go now," Ansel spoke, his deep voice cold and without emotion. He then stood up from his seat and continued, "I still have a meeting after this."

"Oh, Ansel! Thank you so much for taking time off from your busy schedule to visit this old lady." My mother took Ansel's hand and smiled widely at him. "Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything for you," Ansel replied straightaway.

He still treats my mother the same. My parents liked him so much back then because he was very thoughtful towards them. He'd never forget to bring gifts to my parents whenever he visited the house and he even helped out in the restaurant now and then.

'Who would believe me if I told them that the CEO of the Chadwick group used to work in a small restaurant?'

"Will you please give my daughter a ride?"

'Wait, what?'

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard my mother's request. "Mother! I just got here!" I exclaimed, my voice laced with disbelief. Ten minutes hasn't even passed since I arrived here and now she's telling me to go home?

Besides that, I don't want to go anywhere with him, especially if we're going to be alone together. I opened my mouth to speak again but my mother interrupted me, "I wanted to take a nap right now."

Ansel turned his gaze towards me, his eyes boring into mine, and spoke, "Sure."

My mouth fell open when I heard him agree. He is not exactly that fond of me, rather, he actually hates me, and yet he accepted my mother's request to give me a ride home? I thought he's going to make up some excuse and decline.

'Why did he accept? I thought he hated me?'

With desperation in my voice, I said, "I won't disturb you! I'll just do my work here quietly."

I don't really want to go anywhere with that person right now. All I want is to have a civil relationship with him, and being alone with him in an enclosed space may not be a good start because surely, we'll end up fighting the whole time.

"You will bother me by staying here." My mother spoke sternly. "The patient needs to rest."

I sighed, knowing I can't win against my mother's stubbornness. She's the type of person that when she made up her mind on something, it has to happen according to her will.

"I'll go now. Make sure to rest and I'll pick you up tomorrow."

"Yes, yes. Now go! I need to sleep." My mother gestured for us to leave. "Take care Ansel."

"You too." Ansel gave her a small smile and turned to leave the room, leaving me gaping at his back with surprise.

He treats my mother the same as when we were together, while he treats me like I did something deserving of capital punishment.

But still, it has been so long since I last saw him smile.

Grudgingly, I placed the food I brought for my mom on the bed table. "What are you thinking?" I whispered to my mother when Ansel was finally out of earshot, but my obstinate mother merely raised her brows and smiled as if she's innocent.

With a sigh, I kissed her goodbye on the cheek and left the room. I closed the door behind me, leaving Ansel and me alone in the hallway of the hospital. There was a deafening silence between us, and it took me everything to open my mouth and speak.

"You can go. I'm going to take the bus." Without waiting for his reply, I started walking away from him. I need to leave as fast as I can.

'There is no way I'm riding back home with him.'

When I finally got out of the hospital, I huge wave of relief flood over me. I escaped the storm called Ansel and the torture of being alone with him in a cramped space. I stretched my arms out, my muscles screaming in relief after a stressful occurrence.

I never really had the intention of going with Ansel. I merely agreed to appease my mother's stubbornness as she won't stop nagging me if I didn't go with him.

'I think I have a clue with what she's planning, and I don't like it one bit.'

I was taken by surprise when someone suddenly grabbed me by the wrist. I turned to look at the perpetrator and my eyes widened when I saw Ansel standing beside me. He was a foot taller than me and I struggled to see the expression on his face. "I'm a man of my word."

Before I could say anything in reply, he all but drag me towards the parking lot. His grip on my wrist was not tight to hurt, but it was enough not to let me escape. When we arrived in front of his black Audi, he opened the door for me and spoke, "Get in."

"You really don't have to," I spoke and gave him a forced smile. "I'll take the bus. I like the bus." I stammered, nervousness making me unable to form coherent sentences.

"You hate riding on buses," Ansel said as if he's stating a fact. And it's true. I'm not quite fond of riding on buses since I tend to get motion sickness whenever I rode a bus. It does not also help when the bus is packed and I have to stand the whole time.

Back when we were college students, I would insist on using the subway even though the subway station is farther from our house compared to the bus stop. When I told Ansel about it, I thought he would call me weird or would laugh at me, but instead, he told me, "That's good then. I'll have more time to hold your hand."

And whenever he would send me home, he would always hold my hand the entire time.

I can't believe he still remembers that.

Reluctantly, since I don't want to make a scene, I entered the car.

'I mean, what harm could a simple ride do?'

He closed the door after me and walked towards the driver's side. My heart began beating so fast when Ansel closed the door after getting in and I realized that I'm all alone with Ansel right now.

It also doesn't help that the whole car was suddenly filled with his scent.

I tried to keep myself distracted by thinking that the Ansel with me right now is different from the Ansel in my memories and that the person beside me is a huge figure in the biggest conglomerate in the country, a person I'm not acquainted with.

I can't let the mere scent of him intoxicate me the way it did back when we were together.

'It's not going to happen.'

With nothing but silence, he started the engine and drove away from the hospital.

***

The silence was deafening inside the car.

I tightened my grasp on the seatbelt and opened my mouth to speak but closed it again. I wanted to speak to him but the words kept getting stuck on my throat.

Five years away from him and I thought I would finally be indifferent to his presence.

'No. There's no need to be nervous about him.'

After inhaling deeply, I took all the courage to open my mouth and initiate a conversation. "I didn't know you still kept in touch with my mother."

When he didn't reply for a while, I just turned my gaze to the window and stared at every building that we passed by. I cursed myself for even thinking that we could have a proper conversation in this atmosphere.

'After saying everything he wanted yesterday, he's now giving me the silent treatment huh?'

When he finally replied, I thought it was just my imagination at first. I was so distracted with the view from the window, fascinated at how the city changed so much after five years, to hear his reply. It was too sudden, and it has been minutes since I initiated the conversation so I didn't really expect him to respond anymore.

"I owe her."

Those three words made me blink multiple times. I thought I heard him wrong but did he actually say that he owes my mother?

I turned my gaze towards him. My eyebrows furrowed at the vagueness of his answer, but I didn't know if it was right to ask him for his reason.

Perhaps noticing my questioning gaze at him, he said, "She still became my mother-in-law at one point."

My eyes widened at his reply, but when I realized that the Ansel I knew from before was still there, behind his cold and indifferent mask, I turned my gaze down and smiled sadly.

Despite the fact that I left him all of a sudden and without a word, he still cares for my mom enough to visit her when she's sick.

'I'm glad.'

"Thank you," I whispered, my voice so low I doubt he heard me.

I turned my gaze back to him and spoke once again. "It has been five years, you don't have to think like that anymore."

His hand around the steering wheel tightened. "I was miserable when I found out that you left" Ansel said, his voice taut with anger. "She visited me in the hospital after I woke up, making up a bunch of excuses for your absence and apologized over and over again."

"I—" I stammered, shocked at the new information. "I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't," Ansel replied, his voice dripping with disdain. "You left."

I don't have any excuses for my actions. It is true that I left him. I left him when he needed me the most and I know nothing can make up for the pain that I probably had caused him. "I'm sorry."

"Save it," Ansel spoke curtly. "I don't need your apologies."

'And I don't need you to forgive me. I just wanted to apologize for all the hurt that I've caused even though it would never be enough.'

But still, there's a part of me that wanted to tell him about what really happened.

Yet, it might not make a difference and I may even sound like I'm making excuses to save myself.

The silence was uncomfortable and the atmosphere felt heavy the rest of the ride. I did not try to initiate a conversation anymore nor tried to defend myself. Anything I do would be futile and I don't need to incur his wrath any further.

When we arrived in front of my parents' house, I murmured a thank you and went out of the car. Without saying anything, he drove away, leaving me staring at the back of his retreating car even when he is already out of sight.