T W O | Anxiety

The room started to fill up quite fast before I knew it, the room was full. English literature was a popular course in this school which is why the current class I was in, was the largest.

Breath in. Breath out. Don't panic. You've been through this before.

I made sure my head was down as the people walked past, taking their seats. No one sat next to me. They didn't want to be caught sitting next to a loser. Half an hour passed by and my anxiety was finally starting to calm down. But what can I say? Life's too much of a bitch to let me be.

"Olivia?" I looked up through my lashes at the teacher. All eyes were on me and my anxiety was kicking back in. I didn't hear the question. My breathing began to get heavier with every second that passed.

"We don't have all day Olivia" the teacher snapped while everyone else sniggered.

"I...I don't know" I stuttered out barely audible.

"You're going to have to speak louder than that" he rolled his eyes. Mr. Douglas had been working in this school for the past 25 years and it had taken its toll and changed him into the cold machine that he is.

"I don't know" I repeated slightly louder. He shook his head.

"Well, then you'll stay in detention after school and you can think of an answer than" he concluded moving back towards his computer leaving my body shaking. There's no way I can stay for detention. He'll kill me. I need to go home to cook.

Life was such a bitch.

*****

I skipped lunch again. I didn't get to eat at home; if I did, it was in small percentages, which is why I find it hard to have proper meals. I pulled at the sleeves of my shirt trying to make my way to the library as incognito as I could. Just as I was about to round the final corner my eyes fell on something. Someone.

there he stood. Smiling a million-dollar smile at the people surrounding him. The golden boy of the school. Everyone loved him because he was caring, generous and overall a good person. But that's what they thought. They didn't see the evil glint in his eyes. The venom behind his kind words. They didn't see the abuser in him. My Step-brother. Tobias. My abuser. it's so frustrating knowing how terrible, how fake a person actually is, yet everyone loves them because they can put on a good show.

His eyes fell on me and his smile fell. Just slightly and then he grinned again. Everyone in his group turned in my direction to see what he was staring at. Scanning the group, my eyes fell on Michelle.

No. No. No. This cannot happen again.

Michelle smirked turning on her feels walking towards me. I still hadn't healed from last night, if she did something I don't think I'll be able to bear it this time. I started taking slow steps back as she began to speed up, so I did the only thing I could think of. I ran.

I didn't get far though. As soon as I spun around, my body crashed into another body causing my ribs to send out a silent scream. I gasped in pain, instinctively reaching out to clutch my abdominal.

"I am so sorry." I apologized frantically. This was not good. I took two steps back picking up my bag, which I dropped due to the collision. I finally looked up to see who I collided with and instantly wished I hadn't. Out of everyone it had to be him. Neel Taylor.

Whose Neel Taylor, you ask? Well, Neel is someone who's been arrested not once but on multiple occasions for many different things. He's the guy who doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone. Did I mention he's a rumoured gang leader?

Neel looked at me and then at my hand that was gripping my stomach.

"Watch where you're going" he gritted out before shifting his gaze to someone behind me. The entire hallway fell into a hush. I followed the direction of his eyes and saw he was staring at Michelle, who was now backing away to her group again. Neel walked past me, shoving his shoulder against mine as he did. I sucked in sharply holding in my shriek of pain. He froze in his steps turning around to look at me, his eyebrows scrunched together slightly before he glared at me continued to walk away.

Letting out a sigh of relief, I hurriedly made my way to the library finding the nect available seat away from everyone.

*****

I quickly glanced around to see if Mr. Douglas was anyone in sight. he wasn't. Maybe I could escape detention. I briskly made my way to the school entrance before someone caught me.

"Miss Greene?" I froze in my steps. Dammit.

"Detention. Now" he glared at me. My face fell as I followed Mr Douglas to the detention room. I sat down on the last row near the windows. As soon as I sat down, my eyes caught the sight of Tobias. He stood near his car pacing back and forwards, continuously looking at his watch before he scowled getting in his car and driving off. This wasn't good. They probably think I've run away. This really isn't good. I snapped out of my thoughts when the door flung open, hitting the desk behind it.

"That is no way to enter the classroom, Mr Taylor" Mr Douglas yelled. Neel rolled his eyes shrugging his shoulder walking down the classroom, making his way towards... me? He didn't notice me yet. He looked around the before his eyes fell on me. He froze for a split second before he blinked.

"You're in my seat" he grumbled. Does he have a seat? In detention? I didn't say anything, I just grabbed my bad and got up to move out of his way, sitting two seats away. We sat in silence.

"I need to give these files to the principal, I expect both of you where you are, when I get back" Mr Douglas said leaving the room. I looked at the clock that read 3:30pm, my fear began creeping in again. He's going to be angry. He's going to call me names and tell me that I turned out to be this and I turned out to be that but he'll conceniently forget to mention all of the real shit he did to me, and just how long I took and even made excuses for it. He knows he's a coward because this is what cowards do and that's why he takes frustration out on me.

"You alright there" a voice questioned. I looked at Neel blinking twice before answering.

"I'm fine" it almost sounded true. I had become so used to hiding my pain, that now it had become a second nature to lie.

"No, you're not. You're hyperventilating." Neel looked at me with his eyes narrowed, as I tried to get my breathing under controlled.

"You're having a panic attack, aren't you?" it sounded more like a statement than a question coming out of his mouth. I rested my head on the table when I heard his chair screech. Let me tell you how it feels. To worry all the time. To feel as if you're trapped. It stops you in your tracks. And then the panic sets in. Your heart beats fast. You get cold chills. You begin to sweat. Your feet and hands go numb. You can taste metal. Your ears begin to ring. Everything's too loud. You feel like everyone's watching witnessing your weakness. Every day it's the same. You wish you didn't care, that it didn't feel like this.. But it does and continues to for a long time. You try to reach out, but your're slowly sinking, into a pit of darkness. Scrambling for a hand to pull you out from its depths. But no one listens. That is anxiety.

"Look at me." I continued to breathe hard into my arms. I feel a pair of hands squeezing their way into my arms, lifting my head up. I flinched hard as he touched me and his eyes squinted assessing my reaction before he let it go.

"Listen to me okay? look around you, find 3 things you can see" my eyes were shut and I could only hear Neels voice.

"Listen to me. do what I'm telling you to do." I steadily opened my eyes looking at Nell first before looking around the classroom.

"the desk...the tables...the chairs" I listed off slowly.

"2 things you can touch" Neel probed.

"The ground...the door." my breathing slowed down.

"1 thing you can hear."

'Your voice." my breathing was steady by this point.

"What was that?" I whispered. No one had ever helped me calk down before. I didn't think it was possible.

It's called grounding" Neel said standing up from where he was kneeling on the floor infront of me. "It can help you when you feel like you've lost control of your surroundings." Without looking back, he walked back to his seat just before Mr Douglas walked back in.

"You guys can leave" he announced as soon as he walked in. I instantly look at the clock. 4:00pm. I grabbed my belongings running out of the room after Neel.

"Neel?" I called out just as he was about to turn the corner. He stopped looking back at me over his shoulder.

"Thank you" he didn't reply but walked away instead. Now it's time for me to go home and face the music.