2 Squirrels am I right?

Wait, girl with squirrel ears? Fucking squirl girl? Why is she wearing squirrel ears in her secret identity? This girl is really something

Alrighty, I'm being thrown a bone and I'm going to try my best to take advantage of it. Still invisible I peek around squirrel girl to try and find a trace of monkey Joe, her notorious squirrel sidekick to try to help me communicate.

Hopefully he won't be too scared by the relatively large spider approaching him with friendly intentions. He's still bigger than me after all. I spot him sitting above her munching on a snack. I slowly make my way behind him before tapping his shoulder and deactivating invisibility.

Monkey Joe turns to me quickly and puts his finger up signalling for me to wait before turning back and reading the page squirrel girl was reading.

Then he seemed to realise what he had just seen. Slowly he turned his head until he looked me in the eye, I lifted my hand and waved at him. He stood there for a moment, his squirrel brain processing the horrifying and confusing sight.

Now even with the understanding that monkey Joe is somewhat experienced in weird shit just because of who his partner is, his restraint in the following moments was admirable.

Where any regular squirrel would have ran from a spider half their height monkey Joe after his hesitation got into a fighting stance.

I put my hands up in mock surrender which seems to not do much. I then pull out a piece of pizza and hand it to him. Glaring at me and my newly appeared piece of pizza with wide eyes, he hesitantly takes the pizza while keeping his distance.

Step one complete, now I just need to convince an entirely squirrel themed hero with squirrel powers to adopt me, and avoid leaving the house ever again.

After the squirrel finishes the pizza it looks at me questionly. Chittering for the first time, it kept staring. The next thing I hear is a chair scraping the floor and then I see a head of curly orange hair. Fuckin snitch.

I slowly raise my fingie And wave to squirrel girl. Looking at me like that I can sense what you'd probably expect someone to feel when looking at a spider, except she didn't seem afraid, she just disliked how I looked, probably, bitch.

She waved at me with confused eyes before turning to monkey Joe "you made a new friend?"

He chitters something then pantomimes someone sneaking and tapping.

"So he snuck up on you?"

He then gentures to the piece of pizza while still chittering.

"And then he made a piece of pizza appear and gave it to you?" Squirrel girl was wondering if she was sleeping or if her powers were on the Fritz, how could a spider make pizza appear?

Just then a piece of pizza fell in front of squirrel girl.

"What the Fu.. okay New York pizza spider, new but not the weirdest thing in this city. So whaddya want mister spider?"

I proceed to try to mime out hiding in the rain for 5 minutes before monkey Joe can guess it, and after that I decided to just dip my leg in ink to write. 'need shelter, storm coming, just a fun spider guy :) pls help'

Hehe that's it, prey on the emotions of the animal hero and get her to take you home and shelter you, this will surely work.

Before she can say anything monkey Joe starts chittering madly while flailing his arms. Starting to think that when scuffed dr doom comes along I'm gonna have to give monkey Joe a little nudge instead of helping him like i'd planned in the minutes these events had played out.

I grab another piece of pizza and shove it at monkey Joe, hoping to bribe the petty squirrel, so petty and he's not even been killed by a doom knockoff yet.

Squirrel girl quirks her head to the side before ultimately making up her mind. "Monkey Joe doesn't seem to like the idea, but monkey Joe doesn't like alot of things. I'm a hero, squirrel girl to be precise."

She quickly realises where she is quieting down considerably.

"Uh - d-don't tell anyone that though, that's a secret. *Cough* anyway! A hero can't turn down a citizen in need, not even if it is a pizza spider. So for now just follow close to monkey Joe and try not to cause too much trouble, got that!" Squirrel girl stammers out.

I shake my spider head and then shrink into the shadows as I follow them, the whole time thinking to myself that wanting a certain squirrel dead doesn't have to make me a bad guy. No! If anything it was this Joe character that's at fault for all this, who's to say he's not the one who brought me here hmmm?

Fucking monkey Joe man.

°•°

Hitchhiking in Doreen(squirrel girls) backpack I think to myself. I'm no comic book nerd, I read plenty of fanfiction, and I browsed the marvel wiki pages unironically but that didn't mean I had knowledge of every universe.

For all I know I'm not in a universe that's ever been seen before. The only squirrel girl I knew about I had researched because I saw somewhere she beat Thanos. Plus the older squirrel girl is pretty hot can't lie. Lonely and sad, but hot. But I don't think this is that universe.

Mainly because I just saw the birth of spiderman, and the squirrel girl I know of is around 20 when Kraven Hunter was Hunting an older spiderman. This Peter and Doreen seem to be of similar age.

And then I hear something that makes me react not so positively.

"I think I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind Monkey Joe! When we go into "work" tomorrow I'm telling them that you're as much a part of the team as I am."

Oh Fuck. At this rate I won't have to nudge monkey Joe, but I don't want Doreen to be sad, plus it would be a great way to make her have an actual reason to keep me around, ughh fucken monkey joe.

I think he actually dies tomorrow while she's at that meeting. Oh fuck, but thats surely not going to happen right?

Fuck me.

{Status}

{New York spider}

{Level- 00}

{Gluttony - 0%}

{HP - 100%}

{STR- 01}

{VIT- 01}

{END- 01}

{DEX- 01}

{INT- 01}

{WIS- 01}

{Skills}

Invisibility

Gluttony

Observe

{Inventory}

29 ⅝ pizza

Let's bring up the relevant missions right now.

First the one I completed {learn more about your marvel} I touch the screen and it expands.

{You've taken your first steps, and now, well you have eight eyes so I'm sure you want to run}

{Reward: B rank Skill Ticket}

Okay sure that's cool not sure it's gonna be helpful yet, but let's check the other missions I'm hoping I have time to complete. {They have some funny pets} and {And washed the spider out}

{They have some funny pets}

{Adoptee dependant reward}

And next would be

{And washed the spider out}

{Advanced thread manipulation}

Hey, some actual fucking spider powers nice. Wonder what getting adopted by squirrel girl could possibly net me. Though I'm not sure if she would actually have any interest in formally adopting me until after I save monkey Joe, if she feels the inclination at all.

It's also unfortunate that I don't know how exactly it decides whether I'm adopted or not, to what extent I need go? Does she have to give me a nickname? A collar? Get papers? No idea.

I unzip the backpack and turn invisible while peaking around my surroundings I Observe the streets of New York and her citizens

{Dark cultist}

{Skrull}

{Slime man}

{Vampire}

{Wolf Guy}

{Bob}

Gonna stop observing I think. Seems to be for the best to be honest.

I'm gonna wait until we get to her house, I'm going to use that ticket when I figure out how, I'm going to get these challenges done, and I'm not going to let my arch nemesis die, after all, what is a hero without his villain hmm?

Anyways.

Nothing seems to interrupt on the walk Doreen as she slows to a stop and opens a door 5 minutes later. I wait until I feel her out the bag down to actually come out.

I crawl out of the bag onto the bed and bow my head at her. She points to a corner of the room with a high up shelf.

"For the time being you can stay there Spidey, but be a good boy and don't take spider poop on my shelves."

I look at the shelf and gradually begin to make my way, fortunately I can scale walls like a regular spider, but I don't think I'll be able to produce string until this quest is *ding*

{Skill: Advanced thread control acquired}

Well guess I'll be fine for the time being. Launching string from my fingies into the corner and then quickly and acrobatically pull myself up. Once up to my new home I construct a small web house with an outside squirrel motif with what is most probably supernatural speed.

Squirrel girl is staring at the corner, before bland and unfilled, is now silvery with engravings of squirrels, starkly contrasting the dark beige walls.

I hold up a string between my 6 fingies that said 'thx for the cornr' and she smiles at me.

"Anytime a citizen is in need, as I've said before, we the great lakes avengers will be there to help!"

She practically yelled.

That proceeded with monkey Joe screeching out chitters and her covering her mouth. It's a wonder it took so long for her to be exposed in the 616 world. That will never happen now. I think I've made my decision.

It may not be the best choice for the time being, and I know it's gonna lead me to shit way deeper than I originally wanted to go but, fuck man. This girl was a real superhero. Not like ironman before his redemption ark and the palladium thing, and not like Reed Richards with his constant putting the world in danger.

She was like spiderman, and she wasn't treated much better. She was originally supposed to be comedic support but, she was more than that. She was a hero from a young age and even though she's arrogant and naive, she could hold a candle to the like of spiderman himself.

One day she woke up with powers and decided to help people, and her life was a mess because of it. She didn't need a uncle Ben, and she was so much younger when she started.

So I decided, even though I hate Joe, and I don't want to risk my life, I wouldn't let her first and only friend die, not if I could help it.

I then decided to finally go to sleep.

[Squirrel girl pov]

"I'm sorry monkey Joe I told you I would make sure I didn't scream again."

"You keep saying that but you can't even keep from blabbering to a SPIDER! You're 19 years old for God sake, you can't go to college when you'd probably go slack jawed at the first animal friendly hot guy at college." Monkey Joe continues to be a drama queen.

"Th-that's not fair I could totally keep my jaw up, and my mouth shut for the last time." totally, for sure right? Right?

"Uh huh, yep ok, remember this in a week when we're having to clean up another one of your slips."

I pout and walk away from the room, leaving monkey Joe. I walk into the back where I have a dozen freezers filled with my deceased comrades. I've been carefully making graves and burying them since maelstroms attack 3 days ago.

Can't take to many out af a time without revealing my identity and I couldn't just leave them out there to rot.

I have to go back to the park with monkey Joe later to bury more of them. A tear goes down my cheek as I turn away and smile, because today is a new day!

"We should pack it in early today bud, you gotta get a early start grave digging while I go to this stupid meeting tomorrow."

"Ughh do I have to, you know I'm just a regular squirrel, why do you make me do the heavy lifting." Monkey Joe continues to bitch.

"Take Spidey with you, maybe he can start paying his rent, and start actually staying here, I mean he doesn't take up too much room so I wouldn't mind."

Monkey Joe walks to his bed and plops down with his arms folded looking upset, and falls asleep like that. Guess I better sleep too.

§°§

{Spidey}

Waking up I see a notification {they have funny looking pets} had been completed overnight. Nice I guess.

{Reward: Squirrel physiology}

Oh Fuck wait minute, spider squirrel anyone, I'll wait a bit before I claim that, and by that I mean im going to use my other rewards right now and then use it.

While eating a slice of pizza I pull out the {B rank Skill Ticket} using observe it tells me I need to tear the ticket to acquire a random b rank skill.

I tear the ticket and am immediately greeted by the now familiar *ding*.

{B rank skill: poison control - acquired}

And after that I sit back and start integrating the squirrel physiology.

{2 hours later}

After 2 agonising hours, and some pretty loud bone crunching I can leave my makeshift corner nest and get started on today's mission. Operation save stinky Joe. Descending down the walls I arrive at a table in the middle of the room and look around, seeing it completely empty.

I hear chattering from the other room and I begin to make my way in that direction, as I turn the corner I hear a male voice say.

"Do I really have to, I mean we can just wait until your done with your meeting and then go to bury them together. What are going to do with small squirrel hands and we're not even sure if that spider will help." If I'm not mistaken that's for sure monkey Joe talking?

Guess the new ability gave me the ability to understand squirrels. Wait, does that mean that I can talk to squirrel girl now? Actually I should probably check the skills before I move forward.

{Squirrel physiology: acquire base powers of squirrel girl. Super strength, super speed, squirrel speak, squirrel tail, enhanced squirrel hearing, enhanced reflexes.} Well fuck man.

And what did It mean squirrel tail? I turn my head to see a puffy squirrel tail hanging from my thorax. I scutter to a mirror and look at myself. I look ridiculous.

I'm now a purple and black spider with brown highlights, a squirrel tail and squirrel ears. Sighing to myself I walk out into the room that squirrel girl and monkey Joe are sitting in .

{<Hello >} I click out imitative squirrel speak by clicking my mandibles.

Squirrel girl and monkey Joe look at me, confused and stunned, at first at my apparent ability to speak squirrel, and then most likely at my ears and tail.

"What the fuck?.

'what the Fuck?.'

§°§

{Squirrel girl pov}

Why does.. Spidey have… squirrel parts? Did… did a spider just grow squirrel parts from staying a night with me? Was this some undiscovered power i didn't know about before.

"Uhh, hello Spidey?" Y'know, yesterday when a seemingly hyper intelligent spider showed up at the library and asked for help, I thought nothing of it.

This is new York, and stranger things happen every day, however, there was a limit to how much even I the albeit fairly air headed super hero can take before I start asking questioning what the fuck Is going on.

"So uhh, you grew squirrel parts or are those just cosmetic attachments?" I really don't know how to go about this. I'm 100 % he didn't touch any of my friends bodies, so it can be from them. What the fuck is going on, and why can he speak squirrel?

{<They just grew overnight *shrug*>} I don't think that's how that works.

'great now the spider can speak to squirrels too, what's the world coming too.' monkey Joe whined.

This, is going to be a long day.