Webnovel

Guys I hate to tell you this, but once I complete Archaic dragon mage I will be pulling away from using webnovel as a platform. I'm not sure I'm good enough for a legit publishing company, and honestly I'm not doing the greatest. No worries. I'm not suicidal, and I'm in a fairly stable living condition away from my main triggers. My current worry is actually about one of my dear sheep. 

She's going in for surgery soon, and it should be minor. Should. I just can't help worrying. I am incredibly attached to my beautiful herd of Katahdin hair sheep, and Snowball is among my favorites. My mind always goes to the worst possible outcome. 

Animals can die even from minor surgeries when put under. Even for the young spry ones, and if I'm being honest with myself Snowball is not young. I know my attachment to my herd is not normal, but I do know where it comes from as well as my negative outlook. I might as well explain it while I'm spiraling mentally speaking, and really although I probably don't deserve any more of your support I would like it. There's nothing I want more then to move to full time writing. I just don't make enough to actually make that leap. 

I'll start at the beginning. My mother is a narcissist. Nothing she says can be wrong or hurtful in her mind. I had zero support growing up in anything I wanted growing up, and the vast majority of my income had to go to my mother or I would be bombarded with the worst insults you can imagine. Things I wouldn't say to my worst enemies. 

My mother said them to, and about me. She described me as a fat, lazy hellion to her friends, and would tell me exactly what she thought of any of my hopes, and dreams with no gentle motherly filter. Every single day of my life was about how I wasn't as good as my mom thought I should be. Every day of my adulthood was about how much I owed her. Even when I was working so hard that I was actually doing damage to my own body. 

When my mother's favorite daughter moved out, all of her anger came down on me. My mom never hit me. She just told me every day how worthless she thought I was. How I was wasting my life every single day, and following it with a demand because I owed her for bringing me into this world. Every time one of my siblings would show a negative behavior it was my fault because I was lazy. 

Every time they would choose bad foods it was my fault because I was fat. There was a time when I was so guilt stricken about eating the food my mom needed for the household that I literally stopped eating. When I did eat it was maybe one meal a day, and it was not at home. During my youth my mom got the sheep as a 4H project. If there was one thing my mom wanted more than to control her children it was to look good to other parents. 

She got the sheep because she wanted to look good, and the worse she treated me. The more attached I got. To the point that I was rather sacrifice my limbs then lose them. I still would rather sacrifice my limbs then lose them, but I have another problem. I being the oldest child was always a shield for my younger siblings. 

I spent more time parenting them then I did anything else. Forming a strong bond with my siblings so I stayed in that toxic environment determined to protect my siblings, and make my mom happy so she wouldn't do what she did to me to my little brothers, and sisters. The problem with that is a narcissist is never happy unless everything goes their way. I mean everything. Look it up if you don't believe me. 

So when three more of my siblings moved out, two of them being mom's current favorites. I knew what was coming. Which was why I was in the middle of a mental breakdown a year ago. Getting away from my mom has helped, but there's still that lingering worry. What if I'm forced to go back, and I lose my herd? 

My entire mentality is propped up on the backs of my beautiful babies. Snowball being one of them. I know. Sheep aren't the usual support animals, but they work for me. I wish I could just move away, and make sure none of it was my problem anymore, but I cannot abandon my little siblings.

I want to protect, and support them once they can legally leave my mother's household, but I don't have anything to support them with. Thus my dream to own a house. If I owned my own house I could bring my siblings in, and support them as they build themselves up. They wouldn't have to struggle as I did. I gave my mother every extra penny I could, and the rest went into my herd.

I didn't even start a savings until a year before I moved out. I have no idea what it's like to date because I don't think I'm worth anyone's time. Who would want a girl who's lazy, and fat? Who wants a girl who doesn't even know what it is to be anything but her mother's verbal punching bag? I'm worried about Snowball. 

I'm worried about my siblings future, and I'm worried about my own. Honestly I'll take any help I can get. I really do wish I could sign a contract to webnovel to give myself a shot at becoming a full time author but it would mean signing over all rights to not only this book, but any book I might write in the future. I'm very possessive of the few things that are mine. If you don't include my herd then all my belongings, everything I've ever been given or accumulated in my entire twenty-eight years, would fit in a smart car. 

I'm not the best writer. I know that better then most. But what I've written is something I've created completely on my own. Some of you probably questioned why I would do something as predictable as Savannah's mom being alive. Honestly, I was being a little selfish. 

I wanted a victory. Something small. Stupid I know. Predictable as hell. Just let me have this little victory. 

You can donate to me if you want. You can ignore this long spiraling rant. I'm just tired, and worried about my baby girl. Tired of barely getting by, and too broken to sacrifice any connection I've made. I wish I could give you something positive right now, but most of my entire life centered around someone who will never think I'm good enough, and I've just barely come to accept that fact as much as it hurts me. 

I thank you all for taking the time to read my novel. You were the ones that helped me keep at it even when I was told it was a worthless hobby as a child. A pipe dream. A single reader was enough for me. I never thought so many would read my book.

Here's my paypal if you want to skip all the red tape, and donate to me directly. 

bennettangelina76@gmail.com

Again it's completely optional. I'm not currently in danger. I know my life isn't the worst sob story out there. I know there are others that deserve it more. I just want to save up enough money to get a house, and get my siblings away from my mother before she breaks them too. 

A house guarantees that I never have to go back to her ever again. A pasture to keep my Katahdin's safe in so I never face a time when I could lose them. I'll sign off now before I spiral again. I need to sleep so that I'm not late for Snowball's surgery tomorrow. If she ends up not being ok then I guess I'll be having my brother help me dig a hole so that nothing gets at her if I need to bury her. 

A horrifying thought in itself.