2 The Hedgehog

2nd of April 2166: The first thing that I found in the "Office" room was the documents with a statement that I've spent last year in the "Induced coma"! According to the documents, I've received a severe brain injury which causes happens to be a "Brain Ischemia"*.

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It appears that Ilona was the one who brought me to the emergencies and that if I refer to myself as the patient as it is written on the papers, I was on the verge of dying... I could not find any other details about what happened to me before she brought me there...

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Six months later, my condition seemed to get better; Ilona requested to take me home and volunteered to be in charge of my well-being. After I got discharged from the hospital I was put on an 'Assisted Living'... I still got no memories about that part whatsoever.

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3rd of April: I could not leave things they were... Way too many mysteries and questions about my past kept tormenting me. And so, I've returned to there the day after. As a result of my researches, I could certify that I was not born in 'Némless' (The city where I was living.) and that both Ilona and Inzali aren't related to me at all; Everything Ilona has told me so far was a big pile of lies. I had my inner thoughts on that we do not look alike etc, but what was the point of lying me?

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Since that day, everything felt even more distant than it used to be. I've never felt so lonely and betrayed before, the worst part of all that is that I could not remember anything on my own, had to steal keys and sneaking around just to get a small piece of information. I got beyond the desperation level.

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The next couple of days were pretty quiet, I was avoiding any kinds of contacts with the others. I felt furious and sad at the same time, like one of these moments when you must keep calm by suppressing your anger, but it was literally boiling inside of me, ready to explode any moment. In fact, I had to lie to myself and to the others in order to protect my little secret so how am was different from Ilona and company...

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'When is the right moment to tell the truth, what time? Should I talk to them? What will be the impact if I do?' These were the kind of questions that haunt from the moment I was waking up all the way until I close my eyes.

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Time passed... In hindsight, I've realized that I've excluded myself from the rest of the family on my own, after rejecting everyone, people stopped paying attention to me. I knew it was coming because of my stubborn attitude of always being right at everything. The feeling of being almost abandoned was making me even madder. There was a part of me that really wanted to talk about my issues with Inzali because she was the only friend I had, but I was scared, unsure if I can trust her anymore. In the end, I was the one who crossed the line of whatever bound trust I had with them. But that's my life, not theirs, I have the right to know...

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Usually, during the dinner nobody spoke a single word until they would finish their plate, Ilona was extremely strict about that, so dinning altogether always felt like a graveyard.

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I remember that numb sadness and a bitter taste in my mouth every time I had to ask them something; like to pass the food or water, it felt like I was begging them, but when you think of it, I never owned anything in this house, I was just a guest... Another mouth to feed for them.

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I knew that as the eldest child in the orphanage I was supposed to be the example for the rest, but I just could not force myself to lie and pretend that I am all right... The fact that I could not clearly tell if my name is 'Seànn' as I've been told by Ilona or it is four digits code name as it is written on these medical reports that I found back then was killing me. But nobody seemed to care... If you ask me, I would probably do the same if I was in their position - 'Be grateful that you have a dinner and a warm place to sleep you shitty brat.' That would totally sound like something I would say. And for now, got to move on from this life of a duck in the farm, eating and taking dump every damn day... Which actually sums my daily routine pretty well.

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8th of April: Everything was distant, I was slowly losing taste to everything, I had more and more thoughts about finish it all and commit the greatest sin of them all as it is written in Ilona's books. I didn't want to admit it, but deep down I knew that the only one who has changed, was me.

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10th of April: I had my 'Moon Day'* and was really not in the mood of talking to humans, and well, that day, everything was pissing me off, there is nothing much you can do about that... My stomach and my legs were killing me, I had barely the strength to walk downstairs to eat my dinner. As if by chance, Ilona has announced that it was my turn to clean dishes after everyone. I threw my plate on the floor and ran into my room. I remember she was shouting after me, but I just left without saying anything. I just snapped... I knew I should not oppose her, like that, not in front of everyone... But it all just happened so fast, my body reacted on its own, I actually do regret that moment, the worst in all that; Inzali was there too, and she saw me like that, I really didn't want to give that kind of picture about myself.

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12th of April: After two days of tensions as I was not coming out from my room, even to eat. I knew that I'll be dead if I leave my room. One day, Inzali came to my door and asked me out for a talk. She explained that the tensions between me and her sister won't do any good for either of us.

Despicable me... The same evening, I got caught in another heated argument with Ilona. For the first time, she yelled straight into my face! She said that "I have to move on in my life and stop acting like a child.". Lots of mean and sad things were said that night, most of them I regret even now.

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26th of April: Last night I had a weird dream, I've found a beheaded rainbow-colored snake in a small plastic bag. It was still moving even with its head torn apart! I don't remember why but I had to take it somewhere far away from here as if that was a delivery of some sort…I asked Inzali about that and she told me that dreams always have some sort of meaning. Well, I wonder what was the meaning of that...

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5th of May: Today was a bright day, nice weather outside and I was not in a specifically bad mood either. I was arousing the flower garden that I've made from the empty space on my balcony. I wish I could do that forever. I can never see flowers too many times, I can never tire of their sweet fragrance. Each one is a delicate bloom, no matter if it is a formal garden or a wasteland. Their petals are delicate works of art and their hues are medicine for my soul and happiness. And my favorite flower will always be the lavender. Not sure if I can even call it as a flower comparing to the other flowers I have, but its fragrance is something else, I can't describe it, it is just almost aesthetic; These violet fields full of vivid purple colors simply makes me calm and relaxed, no other flowers had never such effect on me.

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I was about to go back to my room and accidentally, I've overheard Ilona talking with other kids about that Inzali was leaving for some sort of a mission, I didn't hear much of the details, but I clearly heard that she was going off for a month.

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7th of June: It's been two months since I haven't spoken a word with Ilona, I barely eat since I am always locked out in my room and I only came out late at night to grab something in the kitchen and then go back to my room. Trying to move without making any noise. It was actually cool, I felt like on a stealth mission.

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18th of June: Nothing really changed after Inzali left. I was locked in my room the whole day until midnight. Ilona had to do the job of two people during the absence of her sister, which kept her much busier than before. Also, she clearly gave up on me as I never heard from her during these couple of weeks. I was ready to be kicked out of this place every minute.

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20th of June: Our mansion was located on top of the hill from where you could see the lake. In the middle of June, the nights were as hot as during the day time, so I was spending nights staying on the roof.

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During the night the lustrous moon was raised up the sky above the magnificent lake that was reflecting the prodigious number of stars cascading down into it. From afar it looked like cascading milky ways. That was my special place, only for me.

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That scenery has become my only friend, it never talked back, but would always be there for me to listen to my random thoughts, ideas, and dreaming while I was savoring my day dinner made from left-overs from the kitchen. I am certain that Ilona was the one to make sure that there were always some leftovers in the fridge. She was far from being a clueless old sag. She has one of these 'Eyes of the tiger' and I was aware that she knew what I was doing during the night, she is very intelligent when it comes to details, nothing can escape her. I am not gonna lie, I felt grateful for that... But the silence lasted so long, I could not have just told her something like "Hey, thank you for thinking about me...".

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8th of July: I've spent the whole day at the window waiting for Inzali to come back, but she never did. While I was guarding my window looking at the gates Ilona spotted me and she just shook her head and left. I could have just said 'Hello' to her or wave my hand... But I didn't... Back then, it's been more than a month I haven't spoken with absolutely no one. I was not sure if I could speak the language at this point.

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9th of July: I was rethinking about these documents from the office. When I got my dinner ready, as usual, I sneaked up to the roof, but because of the rain, I was forced to return to my room. On my way down, I saw the light in my room. I carefully climbed down from the roof and went straight for my room trying to do the less noise possible. When I got there, I realized that my door was slightly opened, so I pushed it with the palm of my hand. I immediately recognized Inzali's slim silhouette. She was looking outside the window.

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Not sure what to say I closed the door and sat on my bed with my half wet sandwich. Without eating the whole day, I was simply drooling while looking at these fresh pieces of tomato and cheese hugged in the middle of two slices of bread with some random left-over that I stuffed in. Judging by the awkwardness of the situation and more specifically that I really felt like I stole that damn sandwich, I just shut up and enjoyed my meal as if that was my last one.

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Maybe because I was ashamed of my attitude or perhaps that I never apologized to her after the kitchen incident or maybe I just felt guilty that I never made a step forward towards her sister who was desperate for help managing the other 17 orphans. I just could not bring my eyes to look at her face, so as an alternative I gazed on the wooden floor, counting every crack on it. How childish could I be, and I am sixteen... Still, trying to act distant and as if I didn't care when I was looking for her to return every single day...

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Inzali sighed, then opened the window. "Is it good?" She asked.

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I did not expect her to ask me that so I just bowed in silence. "I am glad. I will keep the window open for a bit if you don't mind." She said as she sat on my bed next to me.

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I could feel her skin rubbing with mine; She was so warm, it felt almost weird. Even without looking at her face, I could tell that she kept looking at me.

"You know, two days ago I found a small hedgehog... He reminded me of you. Ferocious at first sight, but so gentle and fragile when you get to know each other." Inzali said as she silently patted my head and then gave me a kiss on my forehead then said something I craved to hear much, just a simple phrase that would give me the reason to exist in this world... "I missed you."

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I never realized that just a mere couple of words could have so much of impact as I busted in tears...I don't know why, but I felt like a little girl who just wanted to be noticed.

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Brain Ischemia* - Condition in which there is insufficient blood flow to the brain to meet metabolic demand.

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'Moon Day'* - Periods.