17 The Rant Café

We ran towards the gates of the palace as multiple Billys rushed out behind us. Johnny summoned Artasia again, and she was able to beat the Billys back with her giant paintbrush, allowing us to make a clean getaway.

Once we reached the palace gates, I saw a long flagpole poking out from the ground. At the very top of the pole a large flag was flapping in the wind.

"Wait," I said as we passed through the gates and walked out into the street. "This is Nuxturia, right?"

"Sadly, yes," Animak muttered.

"Okay, well, then what's with the flag? That's the flag of Animakistan, isn't it?"

The flag that was waving on top of the flagpole looked identical to the Animakistani flag. It was red and blue with a double-headed dragon in the middle.

Animak frowned and his red aura exploded around him. The aura was so powerful that it seemed to be creating wind gusts around his body.

"Yeah, that's our flag," Johnny said, panting. He had been sprinting in order to catch up to us after staying behind to dispose of the Billys.

"What do you mean?"

Johnny shook his head. Both he and Animak looked furious. "I designed that flag," Johnny said. "Under the direction of Emperor Animak, of course. But these Nuxturian bastards took it, spray-painted the dragon in the middle, and used it for their own flag."

"Huh?" I said. On closer inspection, it really did look like the white double-headed dragon in the middle of the flag had been sloppily colored in with golden spray-paint.

"Nuxanor thought it would be funny," Johnny muttered through clenched teeth. "He did it just to troll us." Johnny raised his middle finger and pointed it up at the flag: "NUXING PLAGIARISTS!"

"I think it makes sense," Sir Hyde said calmly.

"WHAT?!" Johnny barked.

Hyde shrugged. "Hey, think about it. They don't have to spend time or money making their own designs. They can just get a bunch of our flags, spray-paint them, and boom… they're done. It's efficient and cost-effective."

Johnny looked like he wanted to choke Sir Hyde, and Animak's aura was surging so wildly that his long hair began to flail in the wind gusts that his own aura was generating.

"Thank you, Sir Hyde," Animak said. "You truly are my most valuable subject."

"Of course, Your Highness. My pleasure."

"What was that?" Truck-chan whispered to Briggo as we left the palace gates behind us and journeyed into the streets of the city.

"What do you mean, Truck-chan?"

"That creepy man Hyde just made Animak and Johnny mad, but then Animak thanked him. I don't understand."

"Oh, right," Briggo replied. "Animak's Kink has a very peculiar condition. The angrier he becomes, the stronger his Kink gets. Since Sir Hyde has a knack for agitating Animak, he is the ideal person to keep by his side."

"Ooooh… I see. Wow, that's so interesting!"

"Oh yes, it's nuxing fantastic," Johnny grumbled.

At first, the streets of Flexington seemed oddly deserted. In terms of layout and architecture, the city was quite similar to Slavograd, although Flexington was plastered with graffiti and the buildings were painted with bright, tacky colors. I was beginning to think that both of these cities had once formed a single booming metropolis.

Then, suddenly, as we emerged from a series of narrow side-streets into a wider boulevard, the atmosphere changed almost instantly.

We heard singing and shouting somewhere in the distance, and then we heard a loud CRACK. This was followed by more cracks and pops. We looked up to see a bunch of fireworks lighting up the night's sky.

"WOW! So pretty," Truck-chan exclaimed.

I had to agree. "Yeah, it's really cool!"

Briggo nodded and smiled. He was also enjoying the display, but Animak and the Men of Culture just kept walking like nothing was happening.

"Ugh, fireworks," Lubo said. For some reason, he looked terrified.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"Those things might look pretty from down here, but try flying on top of a farting penguin when those things start going off. I almost died a dozen times."

"Oh, right, that must be really dangerous."

Lubo nodded. "Any one of those explosions could ignite the penguin's farts, and then it's all over for both of us. KABOOM."

"Yeah that's tragic, Lube," Animak said. "Anyway, we're coming up on a crowd so stay close."

Animak was right. Some sort of bizarre procession was making its way up the boulevard, and they were coming right for us. But this was no ordinary crowd of people. I saw men who were walking on stilts, I saw acrobats and jugglers, and nearly everyone in the crowd was wearing some sort of mask or costume.

The colorful crowd was singing and dancing, and they didn't seem to notice us at all. If we hadn't moved out of the way and into one of the side streets, they would have trampled us without even realizing it.

"Another nuxing festival," Animak said. "Do these clowns ever sleep?"

"Here in Flexington they have a parade or carnival at least twice a week," Hyde replied. "And I think they sleep during the day."

"Whatever, it doesn't matter. We're almost there. Come on, follow me."

Animak led us deeper into the side street. We turned one corner, and then another. Before long we saw an old house which appears to have been repurposed as a business establishment. There was a large sign in front of the house, and the sign read: "Ara Ara Café".

"Here it is," Briggo said. "The place where it all started."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Once upon a time, this old place was called The Rant Café. It was a popular gathering spot for those of us who were Isekai'd into this world. This is where I first met Animak, Nuxanor, Dakota, Chronexia, and so many others."

"Yes," Animak agreed. "In this creaky old house, the nation of Twigoslavia was born. When we first came here, we were nobodies; lonely drifters lost in a strange world. But when we left this place, we changed the world!"

"Wow," I said, looking at the house. There was nothing impressive about this dark brown structure with an aging facade, and I never would have guessed that something important had happened here. "So, what happened to Twigoslavia?"

"We don't have time for the past," Animak proclaimed. "Come on, let's talk to Syd. She runs the place now, and information is her currency."

Briggo nodded. "I'll tell you everything, Birito, but first things first. We have to find Nuxanor, and there isn't a moment to lose."

Animak and Briggo entered the old house through the front door, and the rest of us went in after them. I was surprised to see that the Café looked very different on the inside. I was expecting a rustic and outdated interior, but instead we found ourselves inside a high-end salon full of dim floating light orbs, aromatic candles, and silk curtains.

About a dozen large, comfortable sofa beds were spread out throughout the room, and a number of those beds were occupied. As we made our way to the back of the salon, we saw a man being whipped across his bare behind by a woman dressed in tight black leather. Another man, who appeared to be hog tied, was crying out in pain as a second leather-clad woman poured hot candle wax all over his body.

"Eww…" Truck-chan squealed. "What is this place?!"

"Hey, who are you weirdos," someone called out from the corner of the room. "Why are you all wearing those stupid track suits?"

We turned and saw a middle-aged man who was dressed like a baby for some reason. He was in the process of licking the high-heeled boot of yet another woman in black leather.

"Shut him up! NOW!" someone said.

The woman with the high-heeled boots nodded and drove her heel into the man's face until he could no longer speak.

"Sorry about that," the same person said. Out of the shadows in the back of the room, a woman emerged. She wore a long black dress and silk gloves that went up to her elbows. She had snow-white skin, bright blue eyes, and blonde hair. Her pale complexion was only further accentuated by her dark attire.

"Briggo, Animak," the woman said. "It's been a long time."

"Syd, great to see you again!" Briggo exclaimed. He took the woman's hand and brought it to his lips.

Animak nodded. "Hey, Sydney. How have you been?"

"Excellent! Business is booming, as usual. But I'm surprised to see you here, Animak. Aren't you still at war with Nuxanor or something?"

"HA!" Animak sneered. "Nuxanor is at war with sanity itself. Trust me, I never would have entered this den of degeneracy if it wasn't an emergency. Briggo will explain."

"Ara, Ara, Animak," Syd said and laughed under her breath. "When did you become such an outspoken critic of degeneracy? By the way, how is Aphrodesia? We haven't seen her back here in Nuxturia for quite a while..."

"Uhm, yes… she's… fine. Anyway, Briggo will explain."

But before Briggo could say anything, Syd spoke again. "It's about the Demon Lord, isn't it? You want to bring the gang back together before Havoc attacks. Am I right?"

"Yes, exactly!" Briggo said. "How did you know?"

Syd covered her mouth with her gloved hand and began to cackle. "What do I always say, Briggo? Information is my currency."

"Right, right, That's why we're here."

Syd smiled. "But of course you are. I heard about the Dragon Train incident. I'm glad you're all safe."

"You already know?!" Animak asked.

"Those villains gave us a scare," Briggo said, "but we came out on top in the end. A few of my comrades helped take them down, including Birito and Truck-chan ─ that's them, right there." He pointed to the two of us, and we both just nodded and smiled awkwardly.

"Excellent! I'm so glad to hear that, Briggo. And I'm glad that the criminals had bad intel on Lu. Isn't that right, Animak?"

"Uhm, what?!" Animak snapped, and he sounded nervous again.

"Never mind, never mind," Syd said softly. "You're here for Nuxanor, aren't you? He's not at the palace."

"No," Briggo replied. "We have to speak to him as soon as possible. We need his whereabouts, and we're willing to pay handsomely."

"That's good. Valuable information is never free. Unfortunately, I don't know where Nuxanor is."

"WHAT?!" Animak cried out. "How is that possible? If even you don't know, we're screwed. Completely screwed."

"Calm down, calm down. I don't know where he is now because Nuxanor is always running off somewhere, so tracking him on a daily basis would be a full-time job. But come on, boys. Have I ever let you down before?"

Briggo shook his head. "No, Syd. Never."

"Indeed," she said and smiled. "You see that man over there? The one sitting by himself?" Syd was pointing to a couch in a dark corner of the room. There, deep within the shadows of the salon, we could see the outline of a man.

"That's Master Wong," Syd went on. "He's the one who trains all of Nuxanor's top Kink users, and he happens to be one of my most loyal clients. If anyone knows where to find Nuxanor, it's him."

"Wong…," Briggo said. "I'll go talk to him."

"I'll come with you," Animak added, and then we all walked up to Wong's table.

Master Wong had a long mustache and beard, and he was dressed like some sort of Buddhist monk; he wore a white kimono beneath flowing black robes, and he was drinking tea from what looked like a traditional Chinese tea set. As we approached him, he was staring intently at the various dominatrixes.

"Hello there," Briggo called out. "Sorry to interrupt your evening, but this is an urgent matter, and you don't appear to be preoccupied at the moment."

"I like to watch," Wong said and smiled. "Proceed."

"Uhm, right. I am Lor D. Briggo, a friend of Lord Nuxanor. We need to locate him immediately; it is a matter of life and death. I was told that you might know his whereabouts."

"Hmm…" Wong breathed, rubbing his beard. "Lord Nuxanor's current location is classified. No one is supposed to know."

"Oh please…" Animak began, but Briggo stopped him.

"I understand that, Master Wong, but this is no ordinary situation"

"Master Wong sounds so formal. Please, call me Wong-sensei."

"Huh? All right, sure, Wong-sensei. We have to speak to him immediately. If you're doubting my intentions, I give you my word as one of the founders of Twigoslavia and a close personal friend of Nuxanor. This is a matter of the utmost importance, and it cannot wait. The wellbeing of this entire kingdom is at stake."

"Hmm, I see… I see…" Wong said calmly. "But what's in it for me?"

"What's in it for you?!" Animak thundered. "You won't get pegged by the Demon Lord, that's what."

"Animak, please," Briggo said. "We're all on the same side here."

Wong suddenly turned and looked right at me. "That one! What is he doing here? He looks so bland and average. He even has those nerdy glasses."

"Uhm, what?" I asked. I felt like I should say something else, but I was at a loss for words.

"Did you just arrive here?" Wong demanded. "Were you just Isekai'd?"

"Yes, he was," Briggo replied. "But we must stay focused on finding Nuxanor."

"Has he unlocked his Kink yet?"

Briggo sighed. "Didn't you hear what I said?"

"Answer the question."

"Not fully, no, but I have it on good authority that his Kink partially manifested on at least one occasion. It won't be long before Birito's Kink appears."

"Excellent!" Wong exclaimed. He suddenly went from calm and serene to loud and excited. "I'll do it! I'll teach him to unlock his Kink. My patented Kink-jutsu technique never fails."

"Uhm, excuse me, Mr. Sensei," Truck-chan said. "But why are you so interested in my Birito? Didn't you hear? If you don't help us find Nuxanor, you're going to get pegged by the Demon Lord." She turned to Briggo and whispered in his ear. "Hey, Sir Briggo, what does 'pegged' mean?"

Briggo's eyes widened and he didn't know what to say, but then Wong spoke up. "Why am I so interested?! JUST LOOK AT HIM! He is so average, so forgettable, so ordinary. You know what that means, right? It means that he is only just beginning the process of Chadformation. Every sensei dreams of finding such a pupil… a blank slate with infinite potential!"

Animak sighed and shook his head. He was visibly frustrated, and so was Johnny.

"Oh, right, yes, I understand," Briggo said. "I'm sure that you're an amazing teacher, Wong-sensei, but if we don't find Nuxanor right now, there may not be anyone left for you to teach."

"Fine, fine, I'll tell you where he is. But in return, I want the job of training this sad unremarkable man named Birito."

"Yes, great, that's fine," Animak shouted. "I'm sure that's fine, right Birito?"

"What? I don't…"

"EXCELLENT!" Wong exclaimed. "You have my word! I'll teach him to unlock his Kink using my patented Kink-jutsu technique, or I'll kill us both trying."

"HUH?!" I snapped. "Did he just say KILL US?"

"Nah, you're fine," Animak said. "Okay, Wong. Where is he?!"

"Wait, wait a minute…" I started to say, but Wong cut me off.

"Nuxanor is attending the annual assembly of Edge Lords. He is giving them his Honest Descriptions and evaluating their performance for the past year."

"Right, good," Briggo said. "And where are they holding the assembly?"

"Just beyond the city, inside the Shmexy Forest. If you head south and walk a straight line through the forest, you'll run into some big limestone cliffs. The assembly is somewhere around there, but even I don't know the exact location."

"That's good enough," Animak said. "Once we reach the cliffs, I can use Slavic Queen to survey the whole area. If they're there, we'll find them."

Wong nodded. "Don't forget what you promised me! I cherish the opportunity to train young Birito."

"I… didn't agree to anything," I muttered, but before I knew it everyone was moving.

"Syd!" Briggo called out. "Can you help us get to the forest? It's urgent, and we need discretion."

"Hmm… I have a carriage in the back. It's private ─ roofed off, black curtains over the windows. I use it for my shy clients."

"Perfect! Thanks Syd, we owe you one."

"Yeah, you do. And I'll be in Slavograd next week to collect." She looked at Animak, and Animak nodded.

"All right, follow me," Syd said and then she led us out through the back door. In the alley behind the salon, we saw a dark carriage drawn by two horses.

"Take them through the city and into the Shmexy Forest," Syd told the coachman, who had been waiting outside. He simply nodded and tipped his long black hat.

Animak and Briggo thanked Syd one more time as we all piled into the carriage. It was a spacious coach, but there were 7 of us in total, and one of us was Briggo, so Truck-chan had to sit on my lap. I didn't even have time to complain about this arrangement, because as soon as the carriage doors closed the horses were moving. The carriage rattled to life, wheels rolling over the cobblestone, and just like that we were off again.