1 It Started With a Gift

The tears of an unloved child can never be detected whether from the sadness in our eyes, the stains on our cheeks, or the bruises from a belt that stings.

Even though I am a man now. The touch of my cheek still stiffens from the punch of his fist. That bastard should have known the beast he created. Hell, he should have known the moment he held me and my sister in his arms as babies.

My sister and me are more than siblings were twins, fraternal twins just to put a label on it. our eyes and nose are so similar that if you put a brown wig on my head you would swear, I am Alexandra.

So how come my father couldn't love me as she?

Hollow as an empty shell, sweet as a honey tree, that the difference between my sister and me.

"Alex" she said my name as she writes down my thoughts on a notepad.

I lye here on this hard couch as my mind drifts off while I stare into the ceiling headful of useless thoughts. The clock ticks as the doctor sit there waiting for my response.

"Alex, why don't you tell me about your childhood?" Her question made me uncomfortable.

"Instead of telling you. How about I show you doc? Every cut, every bruise, every scar that bastard has given me. Each one has a story all of their own." My eyes closed as I grip my throat. Not enough to hurt but to feel the imprint of fingers.

"Why do you hold your neck like that? Please tell me what happen Alex"?

I opened my eyes to meet her as I lowered my hand from my neck.

Inhaled deeply" It started with a gift".

On our 10th birthday, my parents gave me a small box, and my sister nothing. They wait until I open my gift. My face shone with happiness because finally I was getting something special and my sister wasn't.

I opened the box slowly, revealing a pair of white socks. I pulled them out and examined them. I shook the box to see if there was more, but there was nothing. I put a fake smile on my face so I wouldn't seem ungrateful. My sister hands me a drawing of us holding hands under a rainbow. I stared at the picture as my father came back into the room. He was holding a fishbowl. He placed the bowl in front of my sister. She jumped up and down with glee.

The fishbowl contains two small goldfish, which she names Tom and Jerry. She runs to our parents, giving them each a hug as I stared at my gifts. In one hand the socks, in the other a picture.

A month later I sit in my sister's room playing tea party with her. Thankfully, my father's at work or my backside would have been beaten if he caught me doing a girly thing. That whooping would have been worth it because as we play pretend, I get to imagine my life differently. My sister sets the scene up perfectly. We use our imagination to pretend we are in our own home, having afternoon tea as husband and wife. We use the bears as our children as we laugh and love one another. Suddenly the timer goes off, taking me away from my fantasy world. My mind drifts back to reality as my sister gets up from her spot to feed the fish.

Our mother calls out her name from the kitchen as she leaves the room. I watch her go while I am left in the room alone, just the fish and me. I get up to give the fish a better look. I tap on the fishbowl. They follow the movement of my fingers. Who knew fish were kind of smart? Taking my finger, I slowly ease it into the fishbowl, gently touching the surface of the water.

One of the fish slowly reaches my finger and nips at the tip. I pulled out my finger so fast I almost knocked over the bowl. The end of my finger was red but not bleeding. This angers me; who do these fish think they are? I ask myself as my mom's cat rubs its body on my ankle. In my mind, I thought I must teach these fish a lesson for misbehaving because that's what we do in this house when someone gets out of line.

I reach my hand back into the fishbowl, grabbing the fish by the tail. I dangle it above the cat as he tries to go for it. I hear my sister's screams as she rushes into the room, beating me on my side. The fish slips out of my grip as we watch the cat devour it whole on the floor. Her body trembles and she continues to hit me as tears shed down her face. Little does she know my anger is also brewing with every hit she strikes me with, mourning that stupid fish. Annoyed, I push her onto the floor, pinning her down by the neck. Grabbing the fishbowl, I hold her mouth steady as I begin to pour the water down her throat. I do it slowly as I watch the last fish struggle to swim upstream and my sister choking on the water.

Suddenly someone grabs me by the back of my shirt, pulling me off my sister. I fall back with the bowl in hand, watching my father pump my sister's chest. I turn to the ground, watching the cat eat the second fish. A sign of relief falls upon me as the sound of Alexandra cough put me at ease.

My mother rushes in with a confused look, and she checks on my sister. My father stands up, facing me. He walks towards me without a word, and his hand strikes my face.

"Jim," my mother screamed.

I place my hand on my swollen cheek as I turn back to face him. I look him in the eye without moving or hesitation. You could say this got him going as his hands are now on my throat. With a quick motion, he lifts my body from the floor by my neck. My thoughts go in and out as he chokes the breath out of me.

My mother runs to me, attempting to pull my father off me.

"Stop it!" She cries, "He is your son!"

"He's no son of mine. Just the damn devil."

He yanks me towards him as he whispers in my ear, " I promise you, boy, I'll kill that evil out of you."

His grip loosens as he releases me, exiting the room as I gasp for air.

After two weeks of apologizing and drawing sad face cards, my sister forgave me for what I did to her. She asked me why I did it, but I couldn't explain. It just happened and it felt good as I did it but I wouldn't let her know that.

I sat up from the couch "Can you explain it, doctor? Do you know why deciding someone's fate is so pleasurable?"

I asked her as she stayed silent; writing on her notepad. I inhaled as a wonderful smell hit my nose, tickling hairs in my nostrils.

"That's an interesting scent your wearing doctor. The smell alone makes you very desirable." The comment stopped her writing for a moment as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Smirking to myself I lye back on the couch. Placing my arms behind my head.

"Alexandra kept a small pink bottle of perfume on her dresser. The scent alone drove me to madness"

One day I walked past her bedroom, I could smell her perfume creeping into the hallway. I walked inside and headed over to her closet to look at her beautiful dresses. I peeked to see if someone was coming as I took one of the dresses off the hanger to try on. Looking in the mirror at this beautiful white dress, I resembled my sister if she had short hair. I twirled around in it for a bit as my father walked past the room, and my eyes met his through the mirror.

Not long after, he runs over to me, yanked me by the arm, and drags me outside to show everyone the freak show. My father's eyes burned into me. I quickly face away from him because his stare alone was Satan if he took human form. I tried to get a quick glance at my sister for a little courage, hoping her eyes would give me strength, but she turned to look away from me. Closing my eyes, I could feel the thick belt of my father's beating my backside. The pain was so unbearable I blacked out immediately.

The next morning, I woke up startled as my father stood in front of me. Suddenly he dragged me out of bed. My feet slide against the cold wooden floor as he pulled my body to wherever he needed to; since I was too afraid to ask any questions. He takes me out to the backyard. I look up into the bright sun, suddenly tossed into darkness. My father threw me into our shed, closing and locking the door behind him. I make my way towards the doorknob to jiggle it, in the hopes that it will open. I can hear my mother yelling out at my father to let me out. I even bang on the door, but the harder I bang, the more painful it was on my fist. Finally defeated I cradled my hurt hand with my other hand. I leaned my back against the shed door and slide my body down to the ground as my will is broken. Bending my knees towards my chest, I leaned my head against the door as the sound of my mother's cracked voice aches my heart.