Paranoia- Paranormal
Paranoia- Paranormal
I start to search around my home for my macbook. It's somewhere it's gotta be somewhere. I've just gotten back from work, thoroughly exhausted from helping customers all day try on shoes. I run up the stairs and into my parent's room. It's the weekend and my sister is home to visit from Toronto an hour away from home. As I barge in Adeline takes out her white pair of apple headphones connected to my laptop and looks over at me.
"You watch Game of Thrones yet?" Addie's eyes widen and she looks at me for an enthusiastic response.
"Nope, you got my laptop?" I respond, unimpressed and monotone.
"Yea, but, well- that's rude. You don't even say hi." Addie throws the laptop on the bed.
"Take your fucken laptop." Aggravated, Addie storms off budding her shoulder against mine as she walks out the door. I stand there blankly, staring at the bed, confused as to what just happened but yet not surprised at Addie's predictable reaction of throwing tantrums. I walk towards my parents queen sized bed and reach for my laptop. My bare feet brush against the beige carpet of the room. I take a look at my tanned brown skin in the mirror of the dressing table. As tiny as I am, I'm even tinier in the reflection of that big old mirror. I walk across the hall cradling my laptop and enter into my room. Green walls, my white dresser and bed, and the chaotic mess of clothes piling onto the floor sums up the hot mess that I am. I lay down on my bed and open up my screen with my laptop sitting on my stomach. The heat from my laptop creates a red mark my stomach as I wear a thin white tank top slightly lifted up towards my chest. As I open the screen, I proceed to open up Microsoft word and notice that the page I'm looking for has already been opened. Perfect. I start mumbling the words I've written, out loud.
"The twin boys smiled back as they walked towards me, -" Before I could finish, Addie barges in and has a smile forming on the right side of her face like that of a waxing crescent. The smirk slowly but surely builds up into a smile. A smile that resembles a kid on the playground that got away with being a malicious bully. Adeline's head is disproportionate to her body. Her body is small, and thin. Addie is 5'2, two inches taller than myself, however her facial features are much more dominant. Adeline's eyes are large, and are dark brown. Although thin black shoulder length hair, her lashes are thick and voluminous and nearly reach up to her brow bone. Addie has on baggy pants and a brown hoodie that fit rather small, having the words Abercrombie written across. There are stacks of clothes from our old elementary school days that sit in the closet for us to lounge around in at home.
"Wanna watch something?" Addie still stands by my door leaning against the door knob.
I stare at Addie for a brief five seconds, if I stared any longer than that without a response, Lord only knows what would happen. She would storm off thinking I was giving her some kind of silent treatment. I look over at my screen with my writing and look back over at her.
"Sure, but what do you feel like watching?" I respond while simultaneously minimizing my word document. I didn't have much excitement or expression. But- this is normally how I react to everything.
"Something scary. Or like- a murder documentary. Come to moms and dads room." Addie walks out the door and over to my parents' room. I shortly follow after her and lay upright beside her on the right side of the bed.
I shortly follow, lifting up my laptop and hopping off my bed.
"What's that thing you were writing? About the twin boys?"
Adeline looks up at me with her tinted black eyebrows crouching together and overtaken with curiosity. I'm not surprised. Not one bit. Addie loves to pry. It's one of her favourite hobbies. She loves to dive deep into the lives of the people she has or had a connection with. Sometimes, well- most of the time, Adeline likes to pick fights for no reason. It could be the simplest matter that she turns in to a level 10 earthquake. So- here I am leaving my desktop open for Addie to read, perhaps she was looking to find secret journal entries that express my true and inner feelings. I never really express myself, I'm reserved and I keep to myself for the most part. I think that's what irritates Adeline the most, my inability to confront anything. But that's where we are most different. I'm chill, I live the ultimate "live in the moment", kind of attitude. Although not always, I have it. On the contrary- Adeline is horrendously scheduled with everything. Addie needs plan a, plan b, plan c, and if she could she'd use up the whole alphabet and go backwards. Adeline, the outspoken, will speak her mind and hates when there is silence in any room.
"Just writing another book."
"On?" She asks immediately, barely letting me finish my sentence.
"Well- I had this dream that two twin boys were grabbing on to my hands and trying to pull me into the dark side. I woke up with both my arms floating. I dunno, I wanted to write a creepy novel."
"Don't tell me that, I won't be able to sleep at night."
I chuckle.
"You asked."
"The things you can do with all the time you have on your hands. You should look into getting a real job. Your Instagram thing is chump change."
"Yea, I know." I respond, mumbling beneath my breath.
Graduating fresh from University with my bachelor's degree in sociology meant I had to find the next purpose in life. I once wanted to be a detective. As a young girl, I loved watching crime documentaries, and wrote down my own conspiracy theories through watching the news. I was definitely an outcast, I always felt like an underdog. I felt ashamed and strange internally because I knew the way I view the world is much different than others. I also needed special help to communicate with people growing up. I didn't know how to interact with others. The very thought of it left me with this strange, unwelcoming feeling. It was as though my heart was sinking into my stomach and I could no longer breathe properly. My mind would go blank and I felt light headed. My body would sweat profusely, and my lips would unwillingly quiver as I would begin to shake. It was something I couldn't just shake off- it was anxiety. It wasn't the people that I was truly afraid of, rather it was the energy that I picked up. The energy was so strong and with each and every individual I was overwhelmed. I could smell peoples fear, I could smell their optimism, and yet in the exact same room I could smell their pessimism as well. I could feed off every single energy at once. It left my body incapable of responding humanely. I could only wither away into complete and utter panic. Especially when the energy is so sharp and so strong. This is still an ongoing occurrence for me, I've just learned how to cope with it better.
Instagram is something I use as an escape to feel normal. Although I barely ever go out, although I barely ever party or drink, I thought it'd be deemed appropriate to fit in with modern day culture. My brother Don once left his cannon rebel t3i at home when he moved out. I used the camera, skipped university classes, and took images of myself through self timer. Shortly after, I noticed all this attention I lured in. Ten thousand followers, became seventy thousand. It's fun for me to feel like I am somewhat worked into mainstream. It's the only part of me that feels like my soul isn't old. That right there is my gift. And at parties, I always feel too old, too uptight, and too observant, cautious and aware. Never once drunk, and always responsible. In any social setting- all I do is observe and analyze situations. I know what people are feeling, thinking, and the outcome of what each situation could entail. I knew that I couldn't ever waste my time going to any high school parties. I never feel the pressure to drink in order to have a fun and rebellious time. It just looks stupid to me, it looks like a waste of time. I would feel the energy draining out of my soul and wanted no part of it. All through university I distanced myself from everyone. I made friends here and there, but the second they invited me over or out to a party I would have to pile on yet another excuse. I made friends, but I knew the second they started talking about their boyfriends or girlfriends, and going out for parties I wanted no part. It was the spark and excitement I saw in their eyes that made me back down even more. That high energy of thrill that trickled down their spine and made their body spike up in thin air. The spark in their eyes as they said the word party made me build up a wall that was even thicker than it first was. Thus, prohibiting myself to succumb to that kind of early adulthood that gave them that body stimulating, electric feeling. I never felt it, that feeling of wanting to dance in the dark with other disingenuous human aura.
It is time for me to look for jobs, maybe something social media based. It's not really my real plan in life. But, it'll keep me going until I strike into what I truly want to be. A voice of reason. What is life's purpose? Whoever knows. We live towards this purpose in life, and in a robotic manner follow up with school, forced into careers, and work to feed ourselves only to die afterwards. I guess that's the reason I'm so nonchalant about everything. A job, and having a plan is important, but when I think of the bigger picture, all this unnecessary stress is for what? We all die anyway so might as well just embrace life as it is. I have to say that I can't be ungrateful. I have the support of my parents, I have food, shelter, water, and a loving family. Also a dominant factor as to why I am taking my time finding a "real job".
"After our NYC trip you said you'd start looking, so start kid." This is a conversation that is non too pleasant music to my ears and very much predictable. If I don't respond with interest, I'm too sassy or shunning her request. I know I'm slacking on the job hunt, perhaps avoiding the reality of "adulting" and to be honest it baffles me that time passes by in a blink of an eye. Being the youngest, I always felt as though I didn't have to worry about anything because I had two siblings and two parents that always put me first. Although I consider myself to be an old soul, I know I have a lot to learn when it comes to adulthood and responsibility. This I recognize and subconsciously shunned- well I guess as I speak now I just deliberately ignore it. At some point I am to face reality, maybe that could be today.
"Yes m'aam. I'll start looking some time today."
As we lay comfortably underneath the sheets of the bed, I hear the door crack open form downstairs and suddenly I hear a ruckus of noise. Two voices bickering at eachother, one next to the other, talking over. Addie looks over at me with an eyeroll.
"Mom and dad are so loud all the time." Addie grunts. I begin to chuckle.
You could never tell with my parents. They are always bickering about something, or they just enjoy speaking extra loud in general. They never understood the concept of indoor voices. Their indoor voices meant they were still loud. Any time I had a friend over, and more specifically a white friend, they'd think my parents were in a heated argument. Rather, this is just how they communicate. I'm the quietest in this family. I don't just mean amongst my immediate siblings, but even in the history of all the cousins I have. My family is large. Both of my grandpa's which I had never met had two wives. This, of course, lead to multiple children. I have eight uncles and two aunts from my mom's side, and three aunts amongst eleven uncles on my dads' side. Some of them died, and the rest are old. My cousins are much older than me and live back home. I have two cousins that lived in the states and three of them live close to my home, an hour away from Toronto. As for my grandparents, I've only ever met two of my grandparents- my dads step-mom, and my moms blood mother. They both also died when I was a young girl. I keep my circle small. I am touch with just my two cousins from the states, Virginia specifically, and the two that live right by my home. I admire my cousins from the states. Everytime I graduated, I would receive a mailed package from them with a gift and a card congratulating me. Even on my birthdays I always receive something from them. It's not the gift I really care about but rather the gesture, their display of kindness and gratitude. I felt important and loved. I still do. They're brother and sister. Oliver, the older brother, is the nicest person I've ever met. He does everything for everyone, he takes care of my mom and she lives miles away. My mom always has phone conversations with him. He just has this angelic aura and I could only wish to be half as good a person as he is. Someone like me that keeps my circle small and continuously distances myself from everyone, I sense from Oliver and his younger sister Urusula are just genuine people. I do love them.
"Lolaaaaaaaaa, Adelineeeeee," my dad loves to over express our names with excitement. I could hear him coming up the stairs with the rattling fork hitting against the glass plate.
"I cut pineapples for you." My dad comes in with an innocent, child-like smile, excited to see his two girls. 5'7, He hunches over with the big plate of cut pineapples and sets them on the bed between Adeline and myself. His thin hair, and almost balding, seems unbrushed and washed away from the wind resulting with his hair dispersed in different directions. Addie begins to hysterically laugh.
"Fix your hair dude."
I follow up with laughter as well. Adeline and I both begin almost tearing up from laughing so hard. My dad hates when we gang up on him, especially when it's about his hair. We do pick on him a lot. We just find it funny to pick on the old man.
He looks at us with a straight face and sighs. He raises his eyebrows and the lightly developed wrinkles on his face leave an even deeper indent on his forehead. He sighs and walks off while Adeline looks over at me and shrugs.
"Wanna go to the gym in a bit?" Addie asks as she scrolls through the Netflix recommendation feed.
"Yea lets go arou-", I pause catching the reaction on Adeline's disturbed face. She doesn't look happy. What now. I think to myself, anticipating I'm going to get in trouble again for something I've done.
"They're at it AGAIN. Are you KIDDING. I come here for one weekend and they're downstairs bickering about God only knows what." Adeline hops off the bed and runs out my parents room to the hallway.
"Can you guys SHUT UP." Addie roars with frustration. Adeline roars at nearly everything that frustrates her. Addie indeed is a Leo. The month of the lions, although, she reminds me more of a Chihuahua. She is small, but when she barks, it's vicious and you couldn't miss it. When she starts, it almost feels like a nail being screwed on the periphery of your ear. Imagine a hammer violently banging against your ear while the screw paves way into your skin. Now- I'm sure you can imagine the sharp, intolerable pain that not only disperses in your ear but also makes its way to your head, resulting in an outrageous headache. Now all you can hear is ringing, all you could feel is the pain in your ears and all you can see is her mouth move, one word after the other. A perpetual usage of words that spiral onwards like a domino effect. That's when you know you've been Adeline'd. She gets it from my dad. My dad rarely hisses at me, but he was stricter growing up with my brother and my sister. If there was ever the slightest bit of disobedience in the household, and even from my mother, it was a world war. You can only image the amount of wars that unfolded when Adeline lived with us. She's definitely the rebellious one, the one who enjoyed going to her University parties, going on dates, acclimating to culture around her. That's not to say that Addie wasn't smart and successful. She loves money. She eat's, sleeps, breathes her job and how she could improve. It's safe to say, Toronto is much like NewYork, although Toronto is a lot less amplified. This city has its way of making you feel depressed, as though you're failing in life, as though money and occupation is your only means to be recognized and to proclaim relevance. It's a fast pace city, and I hear her rambling all the time about how shit and depressing work is, but yet like a drug, or when you get that first sniff of soft fresh bread, you suddenly want more. You want more than your required daily intake, you want more than you need, and you're influenced by what you see around you. I always tell Addie that it's a good thing she moved out at age 18. She learned how to be independent, besides there would be one too many random fights that would break out had she decided to live with us. I have some memory of her commuting back and forth from home to Toronto for work but not much. I do remember her waking up at 4 a.m. every morning to get to work. I applaud her for that. I was different with my habits, my dad spoils me. He would drive me all the way to my university classes and would wait in the car until I was finished. I can drive, but figuring parking in a university space is too far a rip off for the students, I wasn't willing to pay. Besides, I work at a mall for minimum wage.
Growing up, I remember snippets of wanting to purchase book orders from school but I never dared to ask my parents. One day, when Adeline wasn't home, I decided to secretly ask my mother to buy a book for me. I was drawn to the necklace that came with the book. It was a "My Little Pony" book with a sparkling pink necklace. The book was $6.99, and for a poor family and considering it was years back, it was indeed pricy. We lived in a one bedroom, cramped up apartment with used furniture. My parents moved to Canada, barely speaking a word of English and didn't know anyone really. Luckily, my cousins soon after moved to Montreal. I was born in Montreal, and my mom was pregnant with me when my family migrated here. When the book order came in I remember Adeline screaming in rage.
"WHY ARE YOU WASTING THEIR MONEY. WHY ARE YOU TROUBLING THEM?!" Adeline, again, with the same bark. Myself, being the chubby and fearful kid I was, burst out into tears only leading my mom to aggressively yell back at my sister. Adeline lacked control in her life with my parents so she regained that level of control with me. I understood why she was upset. My dad worked rotational shifts in an auto company, strictly blue-collar. My mom worked at a factory, early mornings, taking the bus and off to work. Well, neither of my parents at the time drove, nor could they really afford a car with three kids in the picture. Same while I was in camp during elementary school. Most of my friends had income stability living in nice houses while although our family upgraded, we lived in a townhouse. My friends had rich parents, and I was too embarrassed to find an excuse on why I couldn't make it to camp. What could my excuse really be? I also, really, REALLY, wanted to go. I didn't want to miss out on the fun! My sister was in university at the time so I thought I could bring it up to my parents without fear of her overhearing. BUT- what do you know, my dad let it slip that he was paying $350 dollars for 3 nights in a camp that'd I'd be going to with my friends. I thought since she wasn't around anyway I could escape her bark. Not even a second after she found out I was going to camp, she called me immediately, and I began to panic because I didn't want another nail to be screwed in my ear. Not again. Of course, she yelled and resentfully hung up the phone soon after. Over the years, I learned how shun my fear and anxiety that Adeline left me, with her unstable persona. As a young girl, and high levels of atrocious fear, I started to feel emotion less and less when it came to getting into trouble. To be honest, I started to feel less and less about anything. One time, I was addicted to chewing on ice cubes, for some reason Addie didn't like this, so the new rule was that I couldn't chew on ice cubes. This was when we lived in the town house, and when my dad would go to pick up Adeline and Donnie from high school. I would sneak into my kitchen and open up the freezer where the ice cubes were. I'd stand up on my tip toes and reach far up in the little box where all the ice was automatically made and grabbed a bunch in my hands. This one day Adeline came back from school earlier than anticipated, I normally got back from my elementary school a half hour earlier. I quickly threw the ice cubes in the pocket of my pants and walked out the kitchen. Adeline watched as I walked out. She stared into my soul as if I was already guilty. I looked back at her, smiled and said hi.
"Did you eat ice?"
"No."
"I don't believe you."
"I didn't I swear." I started to feel tension raise, and my palms began to sweat. I was horrible at lying.
"Let me check your pockets." Addie began to walk rapidly and aggressively towards me.
"YOU'RE A LIAR AND I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN." Addie yelled, and reached for my left arm as she dragged me into the unfinished, creepy basement of our home.
"You're not allowed to get out of here, and you have to keep the lights off. If I catch you you'll get it worse." She slammed the door and left me there just sitting on the cold basement stairs. It was just Adeline that day at home. My dad wasn't home and neither was Donnie or my mom so she must've taken the bus. Moments following this, Addie opened the basement door and sat me in the living room. She took a knife out from the kitchen and told me to put my hand out. I knew she was just scaring me, but if I reacted, she'd get what she was looking for. She began to point the sharp knife between my fingers and went faster and faster. She didn't go too fast; she knew her limit. But the whole thing was just odd. Adeline always had this darkness to her. For three months she didn't speak to me because I lied to her about the ice cubes, and although I did lie I never apologized. I refused to apologize for wanting to chew on ice cubes. That pissed her off even more, and so finally I gave in and said sorry. A very forceful apology. It's funny to think back to those days. Adeline and I didn't speak much, we were two different people. Donnie was peaceful, kept on his own, he was definitely the goody good of the family and still is. When Adeline and Donnie were younger, Don would get bullied and told the kids that Adeline would beat them up if they didn't leave him alone. Don is the oldest sibling, he has seven years on me and two years on Adeline. I quickly snapped out of my daze when I heard my dad roar back at Adeline to stay out of the business. But, in Addie's old fashion manner she had to be the loudest and the most opinionated. Here we go again, I thought. A peaceful day ruined with a pernicious thunderstorm.
"I'm leaving back to Toronto. I refuse to be here and hear fucken dad bicker about everything. It's my one day off and I want to relax not have people barking in this house."
I sat there in silence, unphased by the thunder.
"WELL- DON'T YOU AGREE?!" Adeline growls at me, dragging me in the soaking mud.
"Yea, it's annoying." Say something I thought. So, that's exactly what I did. Feed her to keep her stomach from rumbling.
Addie rolls her eyes and begins to pack up everything from my parent's room. That's normally where she keeps all her belongings when she visits. Donnie walks up the stairs from his usual morning gym routine and looks into my parent's room.
"Everything okay?" Donnie asks, raising an eyebrow. Donnie knew damn well what was going on. There he was, to diffuse the situation. Thank God. I wasn't the best at diffusing any situation, I didn't like confrontation either. I would only sit in silence, which brings me back to my childhood. All my school projects were curated by my sister, and every idea that would come to life was through Adeline. I depended on her often for everything really. This one time I brought in a project from home that I finally did myself. Addie was too busy with homework to do my projects. Adeline was very creative, she loved to paint and draw, and had that artistic ability within herself. Well anyway, I received 60% on my project, not because I didn't try my best, but because that was my first time ever doing my own project. I was ten years old.
Don brought Adeline over to his room so Addie could vent. I was like an empty jewelry box that could only make noise when the ballerina forcefully spun. There wasn't much input I could give with an ongoing situation that continued like a maze, difficult to find the escape. I walked on over to my room grabbing on to my laptop. My sharp long acrylic nails pushing against my MacBook.
Before the heated argument took off, I was meaning to tell Adeline about one of my work situations. I got a phone interview with a social media company. The man was middle aged, late 30's, early 40's I'd say. We had a good conversation, but now he's sending me text messages to face time with heart eye emojis. I wanted no part of this. It brings me back to when I worked at Lau's retail store, a low budget company that was my first ever job. It was located in the mall and when my direct manager would come in he would always point out that I was so well dressed. I was dolled up from head to toe, my nails always done, my lash extensions up to par. He too, an older man, asked me out for dinner. For whatever the reason be, I land in strange situations with men. Following my unpleasant track record with odd men, I can sit here all day and list the amount of men that dm me via Instagram. And yes even those with wives that would ask me for inappropriate pictures. It makes me want to run far away from relationships. And of my 21 years of age, I still refuse to date, never have, never want to. Of course, I know my mind could only change with a matter of time, I'm young now and I have my whole life ahead of me.
I lay in and keep looking at the time on my phone which only reads 9 pm. I could only think of work tomorrow and having to help old ladies try on their shoes. Just for side cash I work at an old lady shoe store, which I am longing to quit very soon. I want to focus on my social channels, work in progress and grow profusely because everytime I smack an image on my page my follower count goes up. All I have to do is pose with a seductive look and that gets people wanting more. It doesn't take much effort for the blind to lead the blind. Like a growing toddler, watching and mimicking what others do around them, our world continues to do exactly the same through social media. I start to doze off as my mind wanders into the distant universe. The anxious energy of my soul fades into thin air. Moments after I fall asleep, or so it seemed, I wake up feeling a slap on the right side of my neck. Usually when I sleep I'm curled over all the way to the corner of the bed, laying on my right side, directly on the edge of the bed. I wake up startled and look over to my right shoulder to see if anything fell on me. I then touch my neck to still see if something had fallen. Nothing. Following this I look up at the ceiling. I felt it. I felt a hard slap on my neck that woke me up. From sitting up, I slowly lay back down on my bed this time facing the ceiling with my eyes wide open. I am slightly panicked in this moment and can feel my heart start to pound a little faster, minute by minute. There is complete silence, and suddenly I hear something strange. Out of nowhere but coming from the hallway I hear faint and subtle music. A haunting yet soothing melody, and in my bed I lay frozen, unaware of how to approach this kind of situation.