18 Chapter XVII - You became the Light on the Dark side of me...

The sky was a crystalline sapphire, the sun shining through the more and more dense leaves. It wasn't too hot though, as if the heat was being softened by the chill of morning that still lingered amidst the greenery.

I listened to the sound of bird calls, watching a golden patch of light on the grass right next to my knee. I found a secluded part of the forest behind the mansion's gardens, far enough for the gardener to not care about it anymore. The time of the most exuberant and lovely blooming was approaching. There was one kind of shrubs that outnumbered all others, and I've never seen it anywhere else before. Most of them were quite squat, but there were also some enormous ones, with thick, dark leaves that looked like they stayed on the twigs during winter because of their color being deeper than the fresh, young leaves on the other plants. The most wonderful thing about them were the flowers though, growing in beautiful corymbs. They formed a labyrinth of blood-red, honey, snow-white, purple and pale-blue clusters, that emitted an intoxicating, sweet scent. It all seemed so untouched, as if it was meant for people like me to hide themselves in the tranquility...

I closed my eyes, sighing softly. I still wasn't exactly sure what happened yesterday... I woke up in bed, alone, like on any other normal day. At first I thought I was dreaming all of that, because there wasn't even the slightest remainder of warmth on the bed sheets where Siaril sat yesterday... But when he didn't appear for breakfast and Yasenka, who went to fetch him from his room returned with concern on her face saying, that he wasn't there, it became clear to me that it happened for real. Even so I lied to her, that he said something about an early morning flight the day before, and we ate alone. I was too ashamed to admit that his disappearance was solely my fault.

I went to look for him alone, but wasn't very successful. During the search I was becoming more and more painfully aware of how much I relied on Siaril, on his calm, kind presence. Without him I felt like it was so easy to get lost in this world in more than one sense... Still, I wouldn't be surprised if he never came back...

A small nightingale, sitting on a low-hanging twig nearby, fell silent for a moment and tilted its head slightly, as if asking for advice for further melody. I sighed. I needed one myself at the moment... Finally, I stood up from the spot where I took a short rest. I decided to take a look around from above, to get a better insight of where I've already been, and where I should search next.

I climbed several branches of the nearest oak tree, and when the branches thinned out enough for me to attempt a safe start, I jumped into the sky above. I ascended enough to see the forest, the mansion's premise and the lake clearly and glanced around. I've searched the shore and its coves all the way to the north already. I've searched the gardens, the stables and a fragment of the forest to the east. It was time for the west then... I turned to face it and sighed quietly. It was so vast... and he could even be nowhere nearby by now...

I raised my eyebrows a little. A bit to the south-west I noticed a spot of paler green, big and spread between the other trees like an irregular stain. I beat my wings a few times to take a closer look. It was a willow... an enormous willow, towering over the nearby forest like the mother of all life around her. It seemed that the fragile twigs were embracing a vast clearing like green, living curtains, but it was hard to tell from above. Curious, I spotted a convenient branch on a hornbeam right next to it and settled down carefully.

I gently pushed the twigs of the willow to the side and peeked underneath it. I saw an enormous space, a clearing situated on a small, gently sloped hill. There was a carpet of soft, emerald moss as far as the eye could see. Its composition was disturbed only by occasional rocks and the roots of the willow, peeking out of the ground here and there. Fascinated, I carefully jumped in and landed on it soundlessly. Other, smaller trees and shrubs were leaning in from outside the willow's curtains, as if peeping into this arbor made of spring leaves. Some of them dropped tiny petals into the clearing, as if wanting them to complete their lives in the serenity underneath the gigantic tree. There was a tiny brook at the opposite end of the clearing that pulled gently on the willows twigs, and some of the roots reaching out to it looked like its tributaries meandering among the moss.

I walked across the clearing silently, delighting in the silence and liberty this place seemed to emit... and then stopped suddenly upon sensing something. Although that wasn't quite the correct word. I felt almost nothing... but there was a familiar feel to the apparent emptiness, a warm flicker of a soul in the air trapped beneath the willow.

I cautiously circled the trunk and after a few steps something black as a starless night caught my eye.

I wasn't sure if I was more relieved or more afraid.

There he was, sitting on the moss close to the tree, his eyes fixed absently on the green of the rustling leaves. His soul didn't seem to be entirely present... and I suddenly felt the urge to use that opportunity. It was enough for me that he was still near, that he was alright, I didn't need to be by his side... in fact... I felt like I didn't have the right to...

I was about to back away, when Siaril blinked once and raised his eyebrows slightly, as if returning to reality upon sensing my presence. The blood in my veins almost froze solid, when he turned his head to look at me curiously.

Moments passed. It could have even been a few minutes, I had no idea. And then he smiled...

Siaril smiled.

There was so much pain behind it that it almost broke my heart, but the smile itself...

... it was real...

I let out a feeble breath, my knees almost giving up on me. When he shifted slightly, making an almost unnoticeable movement with his head, I just stopped thinking. I went over to him and sat down on the green softness, not quite facing him, giving myself space to look away. There was silence again and I almost felt him analyzing my presence, as if he was doing it for the first time in his life.

„I'm sorry..." I whispered finally, not being able to bear staying quiet anymore.

„Don't be," his voice was the same as ever, but different at the same time. And even though I couldn't grasp the meaning of his tone, something in it started to steadily calm me down.

I summoned my courage and looked him in the eyes. It was as if I was seeing them for the first time. There was no more coldness, no more indifference. There was warmth and kindness, like the ice on the surface melted completely, allowing the water of the lake to bloom at last. And, most importantly, I've been allowed to see the person behind them, the person he has been in reality all this time...

„I should be the one apologizing Sigrian," he continued softly. „I've caused you so much grief... and just because I was so stubborn and didn't want to admit, that you were right... Maybe that's not the right way to put it... I was too afraid to admit that you were right. I didn't allow myself to feel anything that resembled friendship. But, you know, when we soared through the air together for the first time, some strange feeling overcame me... I saw your beaming face, your sparkling eyes, and suddenly started to wonder... did I really miss so much magic? Did I really drown myself in my own sadness and helpless anger so much that I missed so many wonders...? Was I really lying to myself so much that I actually started to believe that the emptiness Sitriel's death left behind was the only thing left for me in this world?"

I hesitantly reached out and covered one of his hands with my own, trying to tell him that it wasn't, that he had much, much more... unfortunately the words didn't manage to get through my throat. But he didn't need them to understand.

A tiny smile found its way to his lips, like a faint ray of sunlight breaking through rain clouds. „You know, at first I was a bit angry at you yesterday..." he admitted. When I hung my head, he quickly continued: „No, not like that. I was angry because you forced me to see the truth that I kept pretending not to see. You were right by saying that Sitriel's murderer beat me. To be honest, I gave up even before any fight took place. I allowed it to change me, and didn't even resist. I was too weak... and all it took to finally notice the bruises I was giving myself by bonking my head against my own stupidity were your words..." He paused briefly, as if some thought just surfaced in his mind, and he was searching for the right words to express it. „It's curious isn't it... death changed me... and then friendship did the same..."

„But friendship isn't something you can obtain by force..." I finally found my voice. „It has to find a way into your heart..."

„... and you have to accept it, in order for it to affect you," he finished for me. I looked him in the eyes, and for some reason I found a glimmer of amusement in them, as he raised his eyebrows slightly. Before I knew it I was grinning at him, and he did the same. My heart suddenly felt as light as a feather.

„There is one more thing I have to apologize for, Sigrian..."

„What?"

„For saying, that it was my duty to save you..."

„Ah..."

„Well, it was, in a way, but first and foremost... it was my desire. A wish coming from deep inside my heart, even if I was too dumb to identify it for what it was. I can't imagine a world without your light, Sigrian..."

I felt the final wave of relief, as those words sparked a memory in my mind. I closed my eyes, fighting tears. I did it... I thought in disbelief. I did it, Yasenka... Suddenly there was a warm hand wiping the stinging wetness from my cheek. I looked up to witness another tender smile, gracing the world like the sun that seems to be shining brighter after the rain has passed, because it has been waiting for so long to reveal itself...

„Please don't... I'm not worth your tears, Sigrian..."

„You are, you idiot... you are worth all of them, especially these... when they fall in happiness..."

„I'm happy too... I..." his voice suddenly cracked.

I couldn't help but smile understandingly. It was obvious that after all this time of stifling his emotions, that bit of crying yesterday wasn't nearly enough. I embraced him delicately, allowing him to bury his face in the fabric of my shirt on my shoulder and circled my wings around his back. He deserved this... he deserved all the kindness in this world...

„I want to stay by your side Sigrian..." I heard his trembling, muffled voice after a few sobs. „I want to protect you in every single fight that is to come and I want to see its end with you..."

„I will do everything in my power to make sure you will..." I whispered.

I was certain we both would. The fact that I felt like I just found a long lost brother had to have a meaning...