1 Chapter 1

Hello everyone, this is one of my first work and English isn't my first language, but I will try my best to improve. 

I will improve with time and after my skills improve, I will come back and rewrite some chapters at the start..

The starting chapters will be a cringe, i am new to this, but I can promise you that there will be changes in way of writing.  I'm a noob author so I am still learning.

Have a good day <3

Hello !!! My name is Liera, I am a trans girl. I'm 14 year old.

This is actually the first time I've written about me.

 I have no expectations especially when it comes to writing about my feelings and my life. But I thought it might help me deal with some of my thoughts, you know? I mean what am I going to do? Talking about my feelings, thoughts, decompressing etc.

 Apparently, it is better that I take a common cisgender girl's name to be less rejected as a transgender woman already than I am rejected and betrayed without even having made a transition.. So I know I'm probably talking alone hahaha.

I decided to write this when I have anxiety attacks or have dark, intrusive thoughts.

 It's also a bit of a summary of important moment in my days, but not everything otherwise I'm going to regret, I already regret ahaha.

Day 1

Every time I'm in front of a mirror, I feel disconnected, disgusted with this body, I can't tell myself it's mine, I don't want to, it makes me uncomfortable, I hate it.

I know it's my body and it can't change when I can't identify myself in it, I can't find myself, it's not the real me, I see a boy in the mirror but I feel like a girl...

It makes me suffer, I want to cry as soon as they call me a boy, I mutilate myself, I have already attempted suicide, I feel empty and sad at the same time. 

I drink alcohol and smoke drugs to feel better but it's getting worse... but I don't know what else to do..

It's really hard to explain it's not only that but it's the best I can say.

I don't understand people. 

They tell me that I don't have the right to dress "like a girl" when I am one, they say that "girls" can dress as they want. But the "boys" must remain in "boys" I don't understand... I am a girl, just transgender.

Really but not in the eyes of others, I got to know myself during this year. I know what I am, a girl.

Just others consider me a "crossdresser" or a "shemale" or just "a boy with a mental disorder."

I love my parents, but they hurt me they brought me to my home country to force me to do rituals and it traumatized me, they threaten me with suicide if I keep talking about the fact that I'm a transgender girl, I cried every day but suddenly, I just became empty, I couldn't cry anymore, I fake smiles, I can't get anywhere.

I don't understand... my family, my friends, my loved ones I can't take it anymore bahaha it's hard to write while crying it's as if I had to try to accept them instead of the other way around? 

I can't believe that while I'm left to die in my own skin they're telling me it's just a phase it's like someone is sticking a fucking knife in my heart I'm sick of it.

 SERIOUSLY THIS IS SO HARD I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE I JUST WANT TO BE A CIS WOMAN shit, I want to be normal like everyone else...

On the internet and at school I get bullied because I'm transgender, I got used to it now after all, I'm transgender. 

Day 2 

Today is a special day, I plan to do my first coming out by message because I wouldn't have the strength to say it in person face to face.

Alice accepted me and supported me as I am!! She even used my real pronouns and even called me "good girl"!! it really made me super happy and even introduced me to her boyfriend as a girl, it made me so happy..

I decided to tell my best friend over the phone. She will surely accept me too.

But she didn't react very well.

It hurts me so much, I was on a call with my best friend only to get her to come out with big disgusting transphobic words saying that I shouldn't pass myself off as a girl that I was abusing that I was disgusting and full other shit.

I don't even know why I continue to live when my only friends say shit to me like that, it was hurtful and insulting I don't want to be compared to some shit that pretends to be a girl for to attack other girls.

I'm a Girl it's all, maybe transgender but it doesn't matter..

It hurts me, I'm afraid of hurting others so I don't talk much but best friend told me it was just a phase hahaha?

Just because you're not dysphoric doesn't mean what I feel is "just a 14-year-old thing."

Well it really hurt me that day that I cried for hours thinking about what I missed and what I miss if I would have been a cisgender woman...

These last few days, it was mostly anxiety attacks, alcoholism to feel better, crying, suicidal thoughts, scarification, mental fatigue, physical fatigue, loss of feelings… I had to see my psychiatrist to talk about hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital .

Even on the internet, I'm being harassed because I'm a trans girl, but then they start to give up my address and send the firefighters to break my window when my family is already poor enough as it is..

At school, they insult me as mentally ill, as a gay boy when I am a girl, as a demon, they beat me to supposedly put me back on the right path and harass me...

My boy best friend is very transphobic.

He saddens me with his transphobic remarks and when he talks about **** for everything and nothing, I don't like it. It is pitiful, detestable and disgusting.