The Detested Truth

Waking up to these white plastered walls is not a dream. well, a dream for many though, wanting a fancy house to call home, with long white washed walls, lights flooding every corner glistening all artistic home furnishings on the way, large windows allowing sunlight to splash in opening to the beautiful view of green grassy lawn, a charming someone to call 'Honey' and a dream project filled with laughter and built with emotions. But these are not something I was given a lot of liberty to choose. I wake up to a five steps worth long hospital room in a squeaky iron bed, a side table with dying flowers that gets replaced every often and impractical notes reading get well soon which is never going to happen. I'm never going to get well and definitely not SOON. so I sleep most of the time, because I don't like to wake up to the awful truth that I'm not gonna get well and this is my life.... but I don't like it either when they say 'good sleep will help you recover and make you feel better' so I rebel some times and don't sleep at all, like how bad can it be right. so on those times I play this game "let's see if I'll die today" which is practically testing my patience on something that'll happen eventually anyway.

I click my phone once I'm ready to switch thoughts and begin to scroll Instagram and stalk my once friends. I check the groups I got added to when I was in school and uni. They would be flooded with positive messages about me, about how it's empty without me, about their faith in me getting well soon. I appreciate them but eventually the messages reduced and kept reducing until nobody checked on me anymore. I understand it's a busy world and everyone has to move on but the pain is inevitable. it's difficult to face it.

I quickly brush off these thoughts and focus on the latest updates. my sickness has lead me to become a big sucker for gossips. some girl I knew is currently at Starbucks with an Hermes bag and says "best life evaaaa!!! " I'm sorta curious where's all the richness coming from girl? you practically have no job. next I move on to watch my ex boyfriend build his career absolutely like he said he would. I'm proud of him. he's also moved on which I'm glad about too. he's nice, he keeps in touch. currently he's in the US. I check a few dms out of habit but none so I tap on the reels button and I see some random couple romancing in the rain. the guy looks nice, the girl is cute. I verdict on them for a suitable couple. it made my heart pinch a bit because even I wanted a love story, grow up to build a career and marry the love of my life eventually but I can't. of course given my health I cannot do a percent of the things others my age are doing. all I can do is survive.