11 Chapter 11: His mind

The next week passed differently than the others.

They had laid the little traps across the forest and returned back to the cottage. It was then Veretta noticed the change.

It was quiet with just the two of them in the small cottage. However, more than that, Errik seemed to be colder than ever. Since that day, a change had occurred, though Veretta could not pinpoint the reason. She had tried to figure out what she had done but Errik would only give his usual dismissive answers.

That night at dinner he went to take his meal alone as usual. However, this time Veretta blocked his way. The house creaked as it did under the northern wind and the room was dark other than the candles and hearth.

"Errik, can I talk to you?" Veretta asked.

His light eyes looked dark under the dancing shadows.

"What's the matter?"Errik returned, subdued.

"Have I done something to upset you?"Veretta looked up at him, searching his face for some kind reaction. There was none.

"You haven't, " he replied.

"It's just, you seem different somehow," Veretta frowned.

"Are you asking because you're concerned about the battle to come?" Errik asked with dark eyes.

"I am worried about that, but also I'm worried about you, "Veretta confessed, "I told you. I don't want our relationship to be one where I force you to act when you don't want to. That's why If there's a problem, just tell me,"

Errik was quiet.

"Please tell me, Errik,"Veretta pleaded.

Errik set the plate down on the table. There was a terrible anger in his eyes but he turned his gaze to the fire. He gripped the back of the wooden chair so forcefully his knuckles turned white. Veretta instantly felt apprehensive. She was about to retract her word when he spoke:

"I told you about the bird I had before, do you remember?" Errik said in a low voice.

"You said someone killed it?" Veretta stared up confused.

"I remembered who killed it,"Errik gave a smile that didn't reach the eyes," it was a woman,"

"A woman..."Veretta took a moment to consider the words but she still didn't understand.

"She was one of my lovers,"Errik remarked with his eyes burning into the fire. "She killed it to punish me,"

"To punish you for what?"

"For breaking her heart,"

Veretta gulped,"I am sorry that happened, but I don't see what that has to with this,"

"You don't? "Errik turned his gaze back to her. The look in his eyes was exceedingly cold as Veretta shook her head.

"If you ask me for something I can't give you, it will be your own fault if you get hurt,"Errik added.

"I really don't understand what you mean!"Veretta insisted.

"Maybe you don't but it doesn't matter,"Errik said in a low voice, "the result is the same!"

The harshness of his voice took Veretta by surprise. Her fists balled.

"I can't understand if you don't explain! " Veretta yelled back. "Explain it, please,"

"Why do you care so much about me?" Errik said flatly. "I've noticed it for a while, but I can't seem to pinpoint the reason."

Veretta's eyes twitched," When did I say..."

"You didn't have to,"Errik interrupted, "I don't know the extent of your feelings so I am telling you now. My life should not be your concern. Don't attach yourself to me out of some kind of loneliness, it will only do you harm,"

"You've misunderstood! "Veretta exhaled angrily, "I care because you are my responsibility. I'm the one who brought you back. It's nothing more than that,"

"I hope so. You may command me as you wish, Veretta,"Errik said unmoved, "but it is one thing for you to compel me speak, it will be another thing entirely for you to compel me to love you,"

Veretta's eyes widened as the realisation hit, "I didn't mean to, Errik! I swear!"

He pushed past her and disappeared into the back room. Veretta said down bitterly with tears in her eyes. She inhaled sharply as she dashed them away. What was wrong with her? She hadn't meant to compel him to speak. When had it even happened?

The day proceeding Veretta rose early. The night spent in restless reflection had churned out some form of resolution. She brought it with her as she reached the back room and knocked lightly. Errik had not yet risen which was unusual but Veretta could wait no longer.

"Can I talk to you, Errik?" Veretta inhaled deeply.

There was a creak and slowly the door opened. Errik was staring down with the same dark unsympathetic eyes.

"What is it?" he asked wearily. "I am tired, Veretta,"

"This won't take long, I promise," Veretta declared.

Errik gave a weak nod and leant back on the door frame. His tall frame caused him to lean out slightly. His hair was not pulled back as usual but fell over his eyes. As Veretta stared up, her heart quickened. It was as she thought.

"You were right," Veretta confessed, "My concern was not purely for the battle. It was for you. But not for the reason you think."

Errik titled his head to the side, listening without saying a word.

Veretta pulled out the book she had tried to show him the first day had met. "Do you know what this is?"

Errik shook his head without looking down. Veretta inhaled sharply. "It's the book that you wrote. My father gave me my first book on magic when I was only a child. He was one of the Masters at the college in Sorren and he had dreams I would follow in his footsteps.

When I first read it, in truth I understood very little. I spent my whole childhood with that book at my bedside studying it over and over. I discovered a world so beautiful and profound, it was all I could think about. It filled my dreams. It tormented me and later...it comforted me.

When I made this deal with you, you didn't let me explain. My intention has always been to release you from this bond. I don't have a way to do it yet but I will find a way. You may be content with things as they are, but I do hope you will decide to pursue magic again. That is the only hope I have for you. Everything else is just in my own mind. I won't let it affect you again.

I do care about you Errik, but the truth is the person I'm in love with is not you. It is the person who wrote this book. I know that may not make much sense to you. But in my mind I am trying to draw these lines, these boundaries and it's hard. I never expected you to care and I don't mean to make you feel as though you have to. I know that may not be enough because I still can't control this magic. I know you don't like to hear sorry so I won't apologize. If you hate me, I can understand. Even so, please stay with me a little longer. I will find a way for both of us to get what we want."

By the time Veretta finished her hand was trembling slightly and she took it strongly in her other hand and waited with her eyes cast to the floor. All the while Errik was quiet. Veretta wondered if he would accept such an explanation but that was the best she could offer.

"You..." Errik sighed, "You are excessively honest sometimes,"

Veretta glanced up timidly but Errik met her gaze with a smile.

"Look, little necromancer," he said thoughtfully, "Yesterday, you gave me no choice but to say what was on my mind but the truth is I had never had any intention of bringing the subject up. This relationship is not a normal one, that is true. But I realised that the way we felt was not so different. Your thoughts get intermingled with action because of this strange power between us.

It seems that neither of us are entirely in control of how much we want to share with the other. That doesn't mean that I hate you. I am still grateful to you. I didn't mean to lose my temper but I am just not used to being so open with someone. Even when this body was rotting I had the sanctuary of my own mind. It was the one thing I never had to give away to anyone. It was my refuge. Do you understand what I mean?"

"I do," Veretta answered seriously. "Yesterday, I crossed the line..."

"The thing is," Errik took Veretta's hand, "There is no line between us right now. We have no boundaries while this magic connects us. I do mean it that you may do as you wish, that is what we agreed but... I don't want you to hate me either. I am only warning you, if you keep prying into my mind, I fear you will certainly regret it,"

"I won't do it again," Veretta shook her head vigorously, "I promise you!"

"As long as we both know in the end what this is," Errik returned her hand softly, "That's the only boundary necessary,"

"What this is?" Veretta repeated thoughtfully.

"Yes," Erik smiled but Veretta felt somewhat cold under his eyes, "we have a deal. I do what you ask and you allow me to live. That is the bottom line. It's an exchange,"

"That doesn't seem fair on your part," Veretta said quietly.

"And yet I accepted it," Errik reminded, "You don't need to worry about what is fair for me. I will decide that. You only need to make sure that you get what you want as well. Take what you want from me - take it all, I won't complain as long as it is something that I am able to give you,"

"I understand," Veretta gripped the book tightly as her eyes fell back to it gravely.

Something felt entirely unsatisfactory about his answer. Yet, this was the way it had to be. The person who wrote the book was a figment she had created her mind. The real person in flesh and blood was something different entirely. That was what Veretta had realised last night. Her emotions could not guide her. She needed to think about this rationally. If her heart beat faster under his golden gaze, it was only the reaction of the body. Such reactions can be tamed.

"Can I ask you a favour?" Errik said softly.

Veretta's eyes widened in surprise, "Yes, what is it?"

"This book you say I wrote," he smiled, "can you read it to me?"

"You can take it," Veretta thrust it out at once.

Errik gave a weak smile, "actually, I can't read the small print so well. I think I must have had glasses before so..." his voice trailed with uncharacteristic submissiveness.

"Tonight, after dinner then," Veretta smiled, "I will read it to you."