1 Death and Wish

I watch the clouds pass in the sky out the window. How long has it been since I've felt at peace, ever since my life on this bed started? All I can think of is how my mom went through this without shedding a single tear. She was so much stronger than I ever realized. I love every moment I spent with her, all the things we did when she was stuck in this same bed. I look towards the T.V. and see our favorite movie. Star Wars is something that brought us both happiness. We watched it together so many times.

Empire strikes back was her favorite, and it's mine too. We watched other movies and shows as well, but Star Wars held a special place in our hearts. I heard about the video game Star Wars: The Old Republic. I wonder what a star wars universe looks like during that time. I never got to see it since I didn't play it. Star Wars is special. It's used by many as a place to have an adventure in your head. I never got to go on adventures. If there were a way I could make my mom happy, I'd spend my time doing that instead.

She said she was sorry for passing it on to me, but I don't care. She is my mom, and she loved me no matter what. Every day I feel closer to death, and the more at peace I feel. I know mom is in heaven, enjoying an un-diseased body. I want to join her, but I have to wait for my time. I don't know how much longer I have, but it's soon. I hear the door open, and the same nurse that took care of my mother walks in. "How are you feeling today, Nathan?" I just smile at her and close my eyes. I hear sniffles coming from her, but I just let her cry.

She has watched my mother die, and now she is watching me die. "Don't cry, Wanda. You were one of the only friends either of us had. I'm grateful to have such a caring person look after us until our time came." I speak in a very weak voice, but she hears me nonetheless. I watch her check my fluids and my information on all the monitors. I look back out the window, and I hear her take a seat. She sits with me for long periods of the day, just like I did for mom. Wanda deserves something more than watching people she grows to care for die.

I feel her hand grab mine, so I know she is there. I turn my head towards her, and she looks at me in pity. I've seen that look so many times, and I can understand why people would. I look like a skeleton at this point. "I'm going to be here till the very end, Nathan. I have a promise to keep." I turn my head back to the window and look at the clouds again. I can feel a weight on my eyes, and I slowly close them. As I'm drifting off to sleep, I hear the machine's noise next to my bed and hear Wanda's muffled voice. I'm too tired to try and stay awake, so I continue to drift off to sleep.

I'm surrounded by darkness as I sleep, and I feel no pain or suffering right now. After some time, I see a bright light that is warm and welcoming. The light gets brighter, and soon a ball is floating in front of me. "You are something that I wish I could've fixed, but if I fix you, I have to fix everyone. What you and your mother went through was horrible, and I'd completely understand wanting to join her. However, I'll let you go to the universe of your dreams if you want." As the ball of lights calming voice rings throughout the darkness, I'm relieved. I'm finally dead.

I look behind the ball of light, and I see a giant golden gate. I also see a woman standing on the other side smiling at me. I know her anywhere, so that means she made it. I'm so glad she isn't suffering anymore. I can't help my tears from falling in pure joy. "I'll give you 1 minute to decide if you want to go there or stay with your mother." I'm about to choose to stay with my mother, but as I look at her, she holds up one finger and wiggles it side to side. I watch her lips move, and they tell me to go on my adventure.

I contemplate really hard for about 30 seconds, and every fiber of my being wants to be with mom. She wants me to go and have fun, though. "I'll go, but please tell my mom I'll always be thinking about her, and I'll honor her memory no matter what." The ball of light hums for a little while, and I don't know why it hasn't responded yet.

I come closer, and I feel the warmth it gives off. "You get one wish for your journey. I can promise you one thing, though. I'll make sure you keep the memories of your mother, but that's it. They'll be revealed to you at the right time." I have many things I want to remember, but the only important ones are of my mom. I nod my head in acknowledgment of the words the ball speaks. "So before I send you off, what is your single wish?" I don't know what I should wish for. I've lived my whole life as weak.

If anything, I'd wish to be strong enough so nothing could hurt me, but that is a romanticization. However, it is my wish. "I wish to be strong enough so I would never hurt again." I look at my mom as she smiles at me and begins to have tears of joy. I would stay here, but mom wants me to have fun before I am with her again. The ball of light flashes, and darkness returns. However, this darkness is different.

I lose the memories of my life, and the ones of my mother are locked away, waiting for the right time. All I can see in my new empty head are memories of my mother that fade into darkness, waiting for the time to come again. As I float here in the darkness, I get smaller and smaller until I'm the size of a penny. At least I think I'm a penny. Then all reasonable thought leaves. As Nathan reverts back to a fetus in a womb, the mother of the fetus is having a confusing thing happen to her.

I feel the force converge on me stronger than even I am capable of. I sense what is happening, and I find that a new life is growing in me. My two children locked me in this place a long time ago, and I miss them so much. I've been trapped in this solitude for a very long time, and I've been alone for a very long time. The maw isn't a place that gets many visitors. I wonder how I came to be carrying a child. I felt the force swirl around me for some time, but it has never been so alive.

I guess the one growing in me is developing. I didn't know before, but I know now. That means I won't be alone anymore, and I'll have a baby of my own. I cant wait to see the day you are born, and I get to hold you. I'll be waiting for you, my child, so please hurry to me.