2 2. The beginning of a hard era.

It was once said that sadness creeps into an already sad heart. It didn't make sense to me and now I think of it, I'm not sure anyone said that, but, it wouldn't be false if we looked at it more. I always felt that happiness would never elude me, that everyone in my life would remain in my life for all eternity, well, if we were good anyways. But who was I kidding, people leave, people disappear, people die. When we are born and in the course of our young lives, it has been discovered that out of the hundred percent of people we meet between the time we were born and our early twenties, only 2% remain in our lives till we die and this includes family. Some die, some disappear, some we have a fall out with. Then why bother meeting people, why bother making friends, why bother pleasing people. I learnt this the very hard way, and that was a lesson I got to live with and the scar I got to bear. I would get the experience of loss and revival from life, but who was I kidding, no one ever recovers from pain, we only bear it and try our best to hide our sufferings.

My dad asked me to sit down in a really calm tone that scared me, he went over to the kitchen island and poured me a glass of water, placing it on the table, he sat right in front of me.

"Was Mom dead",

" Was mom missing"

"Was she getting a divorce"

All this thoughts were the least things I had to worry about, the rest were gory and insane, but I still thought of them because I couldn't help it.

He cleared his throat as he took off his pair of glasses and wiped his face with his handkerchief.

"June my dear," now this was a first, at this point, I definitely confirmed that something was absolutely wrong

"You may wonder why your mother isn't sitting in her usual chair, or baking her amazing loaves", that really never crossed my mind at all, but I stared at him like I was going to poke holes on his body,

" Well, she has been ill for sometime now, always tired and drained after she does the most little task. And last week Wednesday, She was baking and suddenly," He shook his head and I could see tears trickle from his eyes, this must be serious, oh Goodness, my mom was dead and I started crying, I was too scared to ask the obvious question, what now, what would my life be like with just my dad, how would I keep going without my warm motivation.

"Suddenly she cut her finger with the pastry cutter, not all through, but enough to release a truckload of blood. I rushed her to the emergency unit and some test were done, June, your mom has a tumor in her brain, and they said it would be risky to take it out, but if they don't she has less than four months to live and if she has the surgery, well she could die on the table but if its successful, she could live." Now he was definitely crying, wiping his face hastily as if I didn't have eyes. At this point I couldn't hear anything he was saying, I was blank, I was totally blank. I know it would seem harsh to say, but a deep thought in my mind wished it had been my father that had cancer, but it was my sweet , gentle mom. I blame it on the bread, all the carbs in the bread. She was healthy, the healthiest person I knew, she walked when she had to and never drank alcohol. But her only guilty pleasure was the bread and she sure had it for every meal. I love my mom and I didn't want her to die... "June, June, are you paying attention, what should I do?" I wasn't but I asked him to repeat what he said, at this point all the fear I had towards my dad was gone, I wasn't angry, I was just too sad to think of how he'd feel if I didn't pay attention or add sir to the end of every sentence. He repeated himself, asking if he should let her do the surgery or If we shouldn't. I could see he needed my input. But what ever I decided, I assumed he wanted someone to shift the blame on if something happened, so I wasn't about to contribute to this decision, he was the adult, he should deal with it. I gently stood up and picked my bags and walked up to my room. Despite him calling my name and sounding like he was a wreck, I wasn't about to take the blame for my mothers life. I curled up in the bed with my shoes on and seeped in to a resounding sleep.

The day went by quickly as I woke up pretty late at night to the sound of frogs croaking from afar. I wasn't really tired but I felt sore inside. My heart ached and my shoulders edged for some throbbing. I wasn't in the mood for any physical pain at the moment but I stood up to apply some pain patches. Walking towards the living room area, I stopped. I wanted to keep going but everything seemed different, the house felt weird. It felt not empty, but lonely. Is this how life is without my mom, off. Like a pit of sadness and faint pain that wasn't clear as to where it came from. I stood at the spot and sobbed. I cried for a moment, I cried so hard that my shoulders didn't ache anymore but my heart did. I wasn't really crying because of the news, I was just sad for the future. I wanted to be positive and bear no negativity, but I couldn't, the sad fact that my mother might not be with me from here onwards was so sad and I poured my heart out. When I was nearly drained, I went back to my room, the shoulder pain long forgotten, lay on the bed, pulled the duvet over my head and cried some more till I dozed off once again, if this life was going to hurt, I might as well do as I please.

avataravatar