stalemate 006

<< keita >>

'I really wanna see you tomorrow, Keita.'

Sweet voice flooded my right ear. I want to sigh but I'm scared she'll hear me. "But—"

'No but's babe. Let's meet tomorrow, 'kay?'

I want to see her too but I'm scared. I'm scared of whatever I might find out about myself.

'Please? I missed you so much. Besides, don't you want to see me too? It's been so long since we last saw each other… Can't you make time for me?'

I heaved a deep sigh. "I know. Yeah. I'll see you." I glanced behind me and I saw Youjin walking out from the bathroom. Unconsciously, I dropped the call.

"Hmmm? Who's that?" He asked.

"Ah. My classmate from one seminar."

"I see. Do you have any plans tomorrow? Eisuke and I are hanging out tomorrow, wanna tag along" He asked, smiling as if he really wanted me to come. As if nothing happened between us a few minutes ago.

Shit. Wrong timing. I want to see Youjin tomorrow. My chest always tightens every time I see Youjin and his best friend alone together. I can't help but feel anxious when they're alone together. I don't like what kind of thoughts this feeling is giving me.

But I already promised Mimi…

"Yeah, sorry Youjin, I have something to do tomorrow. There's this project we have to submit next week that's why I'm going to meet my groupmates."

"Oh. Are you going with Misao and the others?"

I darted my eyes away from Youjin's. I don't want him to see past my lies. "Yeah. So… Next time maybe?"

"No problem. Say hi to Misao, Toshiro and Fumihiro for me."

"Sure."

*****

TIME PASSED BY TOO FAST. I barely slept thinking about things about myself that I don't understand and accept. My mind and my heart were in this battle lately, and honestly, I think my heart's winning. I already admitted to myself that I like seeing Youjin, that being with him makes me comfortable, and that I crave touching him.

But why? I'm not even gay.

I've had girlfriends before. I even have one right now.

And today, I will prove to myself that I'm still into girls. I will not think of Youjin.

"Keita!"

A sweet voice called for my name. As I turned back, I saw Mimi running towards me. She's still as pretty as I remember her to be. She stopped in front of me and chased her breath for a good minute.

"Why are you even running?" I chuckled.

She smiled at me. My eyes were fixed on her cherry-coloured lips. "I'm just really excited to see you."

My heart skipped a beat. I smiled. "So, where do you want to go first?"

---

Again, time passed by so fast. Mimi and I talked about a lot of things. About the past, about the period we're not together, she apologized and asked me back again. Even though we already talked about it through the phone before, she insisted that she wanted this to be formal. She even promised she won't leave me again. She cried. I could see how much she was hurting and how much she regretted what she did.

But while she was crying and telling me her feelings at the back of my mind I was thanking her. If she didn't break up with me, I won't drink hard enough to get wasted and I won't meet Youjin. I was convinced that I won't be able to move on if Mimi left me but it was amazing how Youjin proved me wrong. It was always calming and fun being with him. I just found myself sleeping at night looking forward to seeing him the next day. That was how I surprisingly survived the break up.

"Keita…"

"Yes, Mimi?"

"Hmmm… Before we go home, there's somewhere I'd like to go."

I glanced at my watch. It says ten past Eight in the evening.

Mimi led the way to the place she wanted to go. I was not surprised when we entered a love hotel. I stared at her as she gave me a teasing smile as if seducing me. But I am scared. It's not that I don't want to do it. I was, almost, always doing lewd things with Youjin and every time I end up having a hard on.

It's scary how my dick can react to a guy but what if it won't react like that to Mimi? What if my body no longer gets excited over a girl's body?

I could feel bullets of cold sweat on my forehead.

No. I can still get excited to a girl. I can do it with Mimi tonight. I will. And this is proof that I didn't become a homo.

"Keita, let's go?" She dangled the keys in front of my face, smiling excitedly. I nodded, then we went to our room for tonight.

---

She showered first and I was left sitting on the bed preparing myself. More like convincing myself that there's nothing wrong with me. While doing that my thoughts flew to Youjin. Is he still with Eisuke? What are they doing right now?

After a few minutes, Mimi stepped out of the bathroom wearing a white bathrobe, exposing her smooth and slender legs, her hair still dripping with water. Scent of the conditioner she used flooded my nostrils. This is the smell of a girl.

"You take a bath too, Keita."

I got up and walked to the bathroom. It still smells of shampoo and conditioner she just used. I took off my clothes and looked down on my still limp dick. Before, I could easily get a hard on just from this smell but now… I can't help but feel scared.

Mimi greeted me with a kiss the second I left the bathroom. She wrapped her arms around my neck pulling me closer to her as she nibbled my lips. Her lips are soft – just like Youjin's. Miemie broke away from the kiss to lead me to the bed. Her gaze seduced me more.

When we reached the bed, she laid herself on it.

"Kieta, undress me." She said almost a whisper.

I braced myself. The sight of a naked girl lying in front of me waiting to be taken will never not arouse me. Slowly, I reached for the tie of her rope and pulled it revealing the body it was hiding. I bent down to kiss her neck and all the parts of her body my mouth could reach. Tasting her supple white skin, leaving marks on it as she moans from the pleasure I'm bringing her. She reached my half-hard on. I heard her gasp in surprise that I was not fully erected yet. She got up and positioned herself so that her face was facing my member. Without saying anything she licked the tip of my dick sending great pleasure on my body.

I watch her while she's giving me a head, I could see on her face how much this pleases her. Her mouth wraps perfectly around my penis, it's warm and soft inside.

Maybe, I was having so much pleasure that suddenly I could see Youjin's face instead of her. I was surprised but I felt all my blood rushing to my part down there. Just seeing Youjin giving me a head made my cock hot and throbbing.

Mimi stopped sucking and seemed pleased by it. She's smiling at me, giving me her signal that she wanted it.

I laid her down again and positioned myself on top of her, spreading her legs open for me. As gentle as I can, I enter her. Then we kissed like crazy again.

"I'm going to move now."

"Okay." She breathed.

I started thrusting slowly, and then my thrusts became faster and forceful. The room was filled with moans and screams and panting. She's shouting my name over and over, grasping hard on the bed sheet.

I am moaning too. It's been a while since I last felt this kind of pleasure. I had my eyes closed as I thrust on her and when I opened my eyes, it no longer surprised me that I saw Youjin's face instead, making that lewd face, hearing his deep voice shouting my name, moaning like there's no tomorrow. I suddenly felt an immense desire to see that Youjin, to make Youjin scream my name in pleasure.

"Keita…I love you."

***

I really did it.

What does that mean? Seeing a guy's face instead of my partner while having sex? And it's not just that, I got a hard on because of that face, I became violent when I thought about wanting to make him scream. Can I really imagine making love to a guy like me? But we both have that part. How do both guys even have sex?

I'm so devastated. I felt wasted. I'm so tired. I want to see Youjin. Only he can make me calm. I want to see him, hold him…

Youjin, what are you doing to me?

Before I realized, my feet brought me in front of Youjin's house. I glanced at my watch, it's almost midnight. It's already dark on the first floor but the lights were still on in Youjin's room upstairs. I reached for my phone inside my pocket. For a second, I hesitated on calling him. Asking myself what am I going to do if I see him. But my hand seems to have a mind of its own when it starts dialling Youjin's number.

After the third ring he picked up the call.

"Keita?" Hearing his voice after a long day makes me feel at ease. "Keita? Hello? Are you okay?"

"Youjin…" I murmur.

I want you now.

chapter 6 / end