1 stalemate 001

<< y o u j i n>>

7:40pm, IZAKAYA (Pub)

"YOUJIIIINNN, LET'S SIT TOGETHER!" Keita drops himself on the couch beside me, smiling from ear-to-ear.

"Suit yourself." I say as I reach for a bottle of beer.

Keita's friends took their own seats on the couch across from us. Bottles of beer and plates of food were served on our table.

"Keita, you always ditch us every time you see Youjin. You like him that much?" Keita's friend, Fumihiro, comments from across us.

Toshiro, another one of Keita's friends, leans forward and stares at the both of us. "Don't say you turned homo, huh? Keita-kun?"

Suddenly, a shiver runs down my spine. I carefully chase my breath.

"The hell, guys? Me? A homo? Don't you feel disgusted?!" Keita makes a disgusted face then bursts into a fit of laughter together with Toshiro and Fumihiro. "I just feel really comfortable with Youjin."

As much as I can, I smile when Keita glances at me.

"Good! Because I will never hand Youjin over to you!" My best friend from highschool, Eisuke, hugs me from behind. He's also sitting beside me. He's throwing daggers towards Keita and when I glance at Keita he's looking at him the same way.

They may look like this but believe me when I say they get along... sometimes.

"Guys, enough with this homo talk and let's just drink." Misao chimes in while drinking quietly in front of us.

"Right!" Fumihiro and Toshiro cheer.

"Let me pour you a cup." I raise the bottle and pour the beer on Keita's empty glass.

"Thanks." He says in a gentle tone. I smile at him in reply as I pour the beer on my glass too.

Minutes passed and everyone was engulfed with chatting and ranting about our college life. I'm not much of a talker but I enjoy listening and laughing together with them as I silently drink my beer.

Toshiro told us a story about how their professor rejected his project and how disappointed and angry he was. We were laughing at how much he's cursing on his poor professor. Keita and Fumihiro added some gossip about the said professor. It seems like that person has a bad reputation. Even though Eisuke and I are in a different department we could also hear some not so nice gossip about him.

Amidst the loud laughter, under the table I feel a big, warm hand gently holding my hand. I freeze for a second with the tingling sensation of his skin against mine. Slowly, he laces his fingers with mine as he tightens his grip on my hand. My heart is starting to jump out of my chest but I pretend I didn't care. He then took my hand over his lap. Slowly, carefully, as if he's holding something so fragile. The thought that he's doing this in front of our friends, and trying to hide it from them, makes me even more nervous. I'm scared but I don't want him to let go.

All throughout the night, I have to keep on pretending that nothing is going on under the table between me and Keita.

***

KEITA BEGAN TOUCHING ME ONE MONTH AGO.

I don't know why he's doing it because I am pretty sure Keita doesn't swing that way. Every time he touches me, he always pretends that he's not doing anything. So I ended up pretending too. I just let him casually touch me. Never once he said why he's doing it, and never once I dared to ask why.

I remember it was one night while we were on our way to the station. That night was unexpectedly chilly. I always bring a jacket or sweater with me everytime I go out because I get cold pretty easily, but that one fateful day I accidentally left my jacket at home. I was literally shivering that time and all I could think of was having a warm bath once I got back home.

It's only been two weeks since Kieta and I met but it's no hiding that we just clicked. We are comfortable with each other and we enjoy each other's company. I could say we became instant best friends the night I found him drunk.

"Youjin, are you okay?" Keita stops in his tracks to look at my face. There's a hint of concern in his expression.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit cold."

"Yeah… It's really chilly tonight…" He pauses as he stares at my face. "Hey, your nose is really red!"

"Really?" I touch my nose.

"You're not just 'a bit' cold. Liar!"

I laugh. "You got me. I get cold easily but I'm fine. Really." I assure him.

Keita pulls his right hand out from his jacket's pocket and brings it over to my face. I was caught off guard when he gently brushed his fingers against my cold cheeks. I stare at his face as he inches closer to me. I thought it was over when he took his hand back. I am preparing myself to brush and laugh it off but then I feel him take my hand. His hand is warm while mine is shivering.

He let go a soft chuckle. "Man, you're freezing."

Ever since that night, every time we're together he would always find a chance to touch me or hold my hand but there's nothing sexual about his touches, just pure platonic. I don't know what's going on in Keita's mind. Even if I ask myself, I can't find the most suitable answer.

Does he like me? Is he even gay?

I am fully aware that Keita feels nothing special about me. He only sees me as a friend, nothing more and nothing less. But despite that hurtful truth, I still can't find an answer to why he's doing that to me, why he keeps holding my hand. Sometimes, I try to convince myself that he's only doing that because he misses his ex-girlfriend and he remembers her every time he sees me. Because we met that same day Keita and his girlfriend broke up. Maybe, he sees me as her replacement, physically.

Coming up with my own explanation is much better than nothing at all. Although it's a little unfair because every time he touches me, I can't help but feel more for him. The kind of feeling that is never good for the kind of friendship we have. I'm scared that if I try to tell him to stop touching me as he likes or if I let him know about my feelings, our friendship will break and we'll never return to how we were before, how this friendship should be. I'd rather stay in this stalemate relationship with Keita than lose him.

Maybe, I'm a more greedy person than he is.

======

***

It was past midnight when we finished drinking and decided to call it a night. Toshiro got himself drunk so Misao is going to take him back home after he lost to Fumihiro in Rock-Paper-Scissor. Time went by so fast. It's always fun together with these guys.

"We're taking a cab." Misao declares as he hails a taxi. "I'm taking the money from this drunkard's wallet." Misao is a 6 foot tall guy with a never changing stern face. He may look unfriendly and unapproachable but surprisingly enough he gets along well with everyone.

"Yeah. It's his fault anyway for drinking too much. He's lucky we don't have class in the morning." Keita says to Misao then glances back at me. "You have morning class, right?"

"Ah, yeah. But it's still early and I'm not that drunk yet." I chuckle. "I can even go for one more round."

"I know a newly opened bar near here. Let's check it out, Youjin." Eisuke put his arm over my shoulder. " Then you can stay at my place after."

"Wait." Eisuke and I both turn to look at Keita. "Both of you have morning class, just to remind ya both."

The corner of Eisuke's mouth slowly turns upward as he looks at Keita. He pulls me closer to him. "Since when have you become our mom, Keita-kuuun?" His tone is full of sarcasm.

"Who are you calling mom?!"

"It's fine isn't it? I wanna come too, Eisuke." Fumihiro says while dashing towards us. Keita seems quite astounded.

"I wanna come too but I have to take this one home. Maybe next time guys." A cab stops in front of Misao then he carelessly tossed the unconscious Toshiro inside. He waved us goodbye before he went inside the car and left.

"Let's get going!"

"Wait! Get going, what?"

"Are you coming with us, Keita? If you don't feel like it, you can go home first." Fumihiro says with a straight-face on.

Keita's expression shows that he doesn't want to but at the same time he has to go. Then he looks at me. I give him a small nod.

He sighs. "I'm going! Dammit!"

I laugh. "You should have said so in the beginning."

He opens his mouth to say something back but he stops just before a word comes out.

The new bar is closer than I imagined. The bar is not yet crowded but the ambience is really great. The waiter leads us to a good spot then we order a set of beers. Eisuke is sitting beside me while Keita and Fumihiro are sitting across from us. Keita is looking at me like a defeated child, his brows furrow and he's pouting his lips. He doesn't seem drunk to me but he's cute as hell.

"Ah, this place looks nice." Fumihiro says as he lit a cigarette.

"Give it time then it'll be crowded too." Eisuke adds.

"Hey, give me one." Fumihiro hands over a box of cigarette to Keita, where he pulls one stick then lit it up. He takes a puff of his cigar and exhales a white smoke.

It's not every day that I get to see him smoking but every time he does, it, weirdly, turns me on. I can't help but stare at the way he holds his cigar in between his fingers, or the way his lips hold the end of the stick as he takes a drag on it, or how he tilts his head up as he blows the smoke out from his mouth. Everything looks sexy in my eyes. And the longer I stare at him smoking, the more I wanna grab on his shirt to pull him closer to me and suck the smoke out from his mouth. It's crazy but smoking Keita makes me wanna do it.

As we get comfortable, we talk a lot more about school, then about girls and then about our previous relationships. It became a pretty serious conversation even more that Keita just broke off with his girlfriend a month ago. But he's not talking much. He's just sitting, drinking and smoking silently. He seems to be in a bad mood. But still, he doesn't need to come along if he really wants to go back home.

"How about you, Youjin? How many girlfriends have you had??" Fumihiro asks.

My throat went dry. "Hmm, I wonder?" I say jokingly. I glance at Keita and I find him watching me. "I-I've never been in a serious relationship with someone..."

"Woah. I'd never take you for a playboy, Youjin." Fumihiro exclaims.

I laugh. "I'm not. It's just... it's hard for me to find someone who can stay with me."

"What? You mean you're the one who's always dumped?"

"Well… You can put it that way…" I chuckle.

The one who's always dumped, huh? The truth is… I find it hard to find a gay partner willing to stay with me for so long. Being the way I am, it's fantasy finding a lifetime partner.

"The truth is, Youjin falls in love pretty easily while the other person always takes him for granted. That's why now he won't dare get too close. Right, Youjin?" Eisuke puts his arm over my shoulder again.

"Stop adding more, Eisuke." I gave him a look.

"Yes. Yeeess..." He's drunk already.

I excused myself and went to the comfort room. I wash my face to wake myself up. Drowsiness is taking over me rather than the alcohol in my system. I considered staying at Eisuke's room for the night.

"How's it going?"

I jerk my head up to find Keita standing by the doorway. "Fine. I'm not yet drunk, just sleepy." I chuckle.

He raises a brow at me. "Yeah? And, you have to get up early for class later."

"I can skip." I joke, but I actually considered that idea. "Just kidding. There's nothing to worry about, I will stay at Eisuke's apartment, and it's close to the campus. Lucky you, your class is in the afternoon." I chuckle again. I think, The spirit of alcohol is starting to take over.

He didn't answer, instead he just stared at me. It seems there's something bothering him.

"Keita?"

"Let's just finish the drinks then let's call it a night."

"Okay?"

=======

We finish around three in the morning. Everybody looks fine enough to be able to go home. Fumihiro went ahead being the only one taking the opposite direction. That left Me, Eisuke and Keita. Eisuke's apartment is in the area while me and Keita have to take a train but it's been a while since the last train for the day ran.

"Eisuke, let me crash in." I told Eisuke though he wouldn't mind since I stay there a lot. " Keita, would you like to come with us? There's no more running trains, you know. Is it fine with you, Eisuke?"

"I guess it's fine? I have no heart to reject your request. Let's go. I really wanna sleep."

I laugh. "Thanks Eisuke. Let's go, Keita."

"Is it really okay?"

"Of course it is!"

It's just a ten minutes ride from the bar to Eisuke's room. As soon as we arrived, Eisuke just dropped on his bed while I was preparing the futon Keita and I were sleeping on. I laid it beside Eisuke's bed and I also took a blanket from his cabinet for the two of us. Because I used to stay here a lot, I already have my own pillow and left some of my clothes.

"Would you like to change into a new shirt, Keita? I have clothes here you can use."

"Is it okay?"

"Sure. Wait, I'll get you one." After a minute, I handed him one of my comfy shirts. He took it from my hand then changed into it. "The bathroom is over there if you need it." I said as I pointed in the direction of one close door at the far end corner of the apartment. "Do you like a glass of water?"

"You're so familiar with this place…" He comments giving me a knowing look.

I give him a big smile. "Yeah. I stay over here frequently, it's like a second home."

"I see..." We fell silent for a short while. "Then, let's sleep."

"Okay." I turn off the lights before I lay beside Keita. He has his back on me and a blanket covering him up to his shoulders. I stare at the ceiling for a while, trying to calm my heart. Keita is sleeping right beside me but I can't hold him. I doubt he would even hold my hand as we sleep. I can't get ahead of myself.

Feeling frustrated about this situation, I close my eyes and wait for me to drift off to sleep.

Not long after I closed my eyes, I felt a hand brushing against my cheek. When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was Keita's face, hovering on top of me. His eyes are roaming all over my face as if tracing every part of it. I'm too shocked to even call his name. Despite the darkness, I can still make out the expression he's showing -- his expression is intense, almost threatening -- and how passionately he's staring at me. My heart is pounding way too hard, I'm scared it'll wake Eisuke up. Keita's breath smells of beer and cigarettes.

What is he thinking? What is he planning to do? Why?

Maybe, it showed on my face when he whispered.

"Please. Don't ask."

In that second, he closes the small distance between us. He presses his lips against mine. I was so surprised I didn't even bother to close my eyes. He starts to move his mouth, nibbling my lower lip and then forcing me to move my mouth along with him. I honestly don't know what to do. Or maybe, I'm already dreaming. With that thought, I close my eyes and start returning the kiss. From that gentle kiss it becomes deep like we're both hungry for each other, like we couldn't get enough. His tongue is tasting me, I bet it tastes of beer and onion. For a second, I regret not brushing my teeth before going to sleep tonight. Then, I felt a hand go under my shirt, tracing from my belly up to my bare chest. His hand is running all over my body, feeling me up, leaving my skin hot with his every touch.

I always thought Keita is good at kissing and now I've proven that he really is a good kisser. It feels too good I can't help not to let out a moan. I'm starting to lose my mind. I want more... I need more of him. How far are we going to go? How far can he go on?

Unconsciously, I lifted my hand and brought it over to his crotch. My heart stopped for a second when I felt how hard he is right now. But right after my heart, he stopped kissing me too.

He quickly pulled himself away from me, wiping his mouth and chin that was dripping with our saliva. He averts his gaze from me as he stands up.

"I'll take care of this." He whispers as he runs to the bathroom.

I am left dumbfounded, staring once again at the ceiling trying to calm my heart.

I chuckle. "He tastes of beer and cigarette."

TO BE CONTINUED...