1 Season 2 EP 1-6
Space Force United S2 E1:
*Scene opens to the events following Cayde's death and Toby, Carl, and Hunk are sitting in their apartment*
Luna: *Sighs* lets go over this once again....you had a simple task, protect Cayde, how is that so hard?!
Carl: Hey for the record, you should have known how terrible of an idea this was going to be so shame on you
Hunk: He's right, we even said that this was a terrible idea
Toby: I got to see so much Mara.....
Luna: *glares*
Hunk: He's an idiot, don't mind him....
Luna: Well, because of this mess that you morons managed to get yourselves into, command decided to send you after Uldren and bring him to justice
Carl: Getting some Katrina flashbacks here....
Luna: Shut up, you three need to make this right
Hunk: So we hunt down the My Chemical Romance back up singer and command will forgive our mishaps?
Luna: Right
Hunk: Shit, I'd rather just get my punishment, can I get that instead?
Carl: What's in it for us?
Luna: Really? You actually think you three have a leg to stand on to request payment for this?
Carl: Odds are we are probably going to die....a lot....
Toby: HEROES NEVER DIE!
Carl: Scratch that....he is going to die a lot
Luna: Ugh....fine...we will talk about a reward once the mission is complete
Carl: Bitchin
Luna: Petra will be awaiting your arrival
Hunk: Round two of "How can we possibly fuck this up" I can't wait.....
*Scene opens to the group arriving on the Tangled Shore*
Carl: Getting some road warrior vibes....now we just a Mel Gibson and we're golden...
*Cass appears*
Cass: We need to find Petra, that's the first objective, you think you three dumbasses can handle that?
Hunk: you already know the answer to this.....why ask?
Cass: Clearly....just follow the location I've marked on your HUDs
Carl: This place is a massive rubix cube of fuck this....
Hunk: We should be closing in on Petra soon....
Toby: Ohhhhhh there's a rock, OOOOOOHHHHH ANOTHER ROCK! A FLYING ROCK!
Carl: Ugh...
Space Force United S2 EP: 2
*Scene opens to Team standing on Tangled Shore*
Carl: Seriously....fuck this place
Hunk: You say that about every planet we go to
Carl: And Seriously fuck them too
Toby: I like the part where we get chased by all the enemy and end up dying
Hunk: What the hell are you going on about? That's normally you
Toby: Yeah good times
Hunk: dumbass
Toby: My ass has no brain
Hunk: *stares*
Toby: So it cannot think
Hunk: *stares*
Toby: So it cannot be dumb....
Hunk: Are you done?
Toby: You are dumb
Hunk: I'm going to shoulder charge you off that cliff now....
Carl: He does have a point....
Hunk: Shut up, you know the moment we agree with him on anything, it'll be the end of intellectual evolution as we know it.....
Carl: I see your point.....
Toby: I can hear my brain think
Carl: And this is why I drink heavily....
Hunk: Okay....so where the hell is Petra?
Carl: Dunno...we've been standing here for two hours now...
*Radio goes off and Petra is heard over the radio*
Petra: Guardians can you read me?
Carl: Well holy shit, about time...
Petra: Spare me, you three morons have no room to give lip on anything....
Hunk: She's right you know...
Carl: Shit happened, we even said this would happen, why is it always our fault when we point out the obvious?!
Petra: Stop whining, I've marked a location on your HUD for you to meet me, I have a contact that will give us some information on where to find the Barons
Hunk: Do what now....
Carl: Whoa, hold up, we're actually going after those bastards?
Petra: Yes, why do you seem so surprised by this??
Carl: Oh I don't know, I wasn't aware we were going on a suicidal manhunt
Petra: You're Guardians, this what you do, and plus you have plenty of firepower to take them down
Carl: WE HAVE A FUCKING TOBY! THAT'S LIKE THE ULTIMATE HANDICAP!
Petra: Jeeze, such a baby, it's not that bad
Hunk: Oh if you only knew....
*Toby is shown in the background being chased by the Scorn*
Toby: I ONLY WANTED YOU TO BE MY FRIEND!
Hunk: Yeah we are fucking boned.....
Carl: If you're gonna send us on a one side mission like this, please tell me we're getting something out of this
Petra: Well....there is a nice reward for you, however my contact will get more into detail once we meet with him....
Carl: And whose this contact?
Petra: Spider
Hunk: Spider?! Nope, fuck that
Petra: Not an actual Spider
Carl: It's his name jackass
Hunk: Right....
Petra: Just meet me at the designated location, we can go from there
Space Force United S2 EP3:
*Scene opens with the team meeting with Petra*
Hunk: This place is like a damn maze, how do you even manage to get around here without getting lost??
Petra: Really? I gave you guys a marked location on your HUD, how did you guys possibly get lost?
Carl: Seriously? Do you not know we are? we're like the Three Stooges, only we have space magic and shit....
Petra: Noted...well anyways this is where Spider resides
Hunk: Not much of a hideout
Petra: He likes to keep to himself
Carl: Clearly
Petra: Just let me do the talking, and whatever you do, DO NOT mention his weight
Carl: Come on, we're considerate enough to take this situation seriously
Petra: I highly doubt that
Toby: I like meeting new people, that last person I met was a big turtle man and let me play tug a war with his....
Carl: NO, just no Toby, we aren't talking about that, that was Season 1, leave well enough alone....
Toby: You are just jealous
Hunk: We promise you we aren't
Petra: Guys, focus up, we're going in
*Team goes to meet with Spider*
Spider: GREETINGS LITTLE INGRATES
Carl: Holy fucking diabetes.....
*Hunk turns to Carl*
Hunk: Really though....
Carl: I was not expecting General Grievous's obese cousin to be the one dishing out execution orders....
*Hunk facepalms*
Petra: Stooges....I see it now.....
Spider: What brings you to my domain?
Petra: We need information on the Barons, we plan to hunt them down
Spider: Oh do you now? And how do you expect to do that?
Hunk: Hopefully shoot them, that would be the most acceptable option
Toby: Ooooooo spiky robots
Carl: Jesus....it's like Road Warrior fucked Sonic the Hedgehog and this is what came of it.....
Petra: *sighs* we plan to bring them and Uldren to Justice, by any means necessary
Spider: Interesting, however, if I'm going to let you and your band of misfits wander my shores, I need them to prove their worth
Carl: Of Course you do...god forbid we catch a break for once....
Spider: Do you take up my challenge?
Carl: What? Gather you a box of hot n fresh from the nearest Krispy Kreme?
Petra: Just can't help it can you?
Hunk: Oh this isn't even the worst of it....
Spider: You amuse me, tell you what, if you can take care of some of these impudent lost sectors around the shore, I will provide to you the locations of the Barons that you seek, I will also provide you a reward as well....
Carl: Shit, you had me at reward
*20 minutes later*
Carl: I hate you so fucking much....and here I thought my hate could only be towards Toby, but man you proved me wrong
Toby: Hi I'm....
Carl: Shut up Toby.....
Spider: I see you've completed your chores.....and as promised your reward
*Team gets bows*
Hunk: I'm sorry what.....
Carl: A bow....
Spider: This is a wondrous weapon, one you can use on your hunt
Carl: This is a fucking bow
Toby: I AM ROBIN HOOOOOOOD!
Hunk: No offense, but the fuck
Spider: Are you not satisfied?
Carl: Oh yeah let me just gather my band of merry men and go pillage a village or two, are you fucking kidding me?! A bow?! We're fucking space wizards and shit and you give us a bow?!
Spider: It's a bow with explosive arrows
Carl: Well that's just fucking peachy isn't it?!
Petra: About the Barons
Spider: Ah yes, I have updated your HUDs with the locations of each Barron, but beware, they are not foes that can be defeated easily
Carl: Oh no we're all good, we have fucking bows to stop them
Hunk: I hate everything....the space weenie strikes again.....
Toby: I can now wear those tights I have in my vault
Hunk: Don't....please don't....
Spider: the Barons that you will be searching for are as follows; The Fanatic, he uses magic to summon the dead, The Machinist, he's their ammunition's expert, The Mindbender, who can control Hive, The Trickster, who can use illusions to play with your mind, The Hangman, who uses brute strength to defeat his enemies, The Mad Bomber, who uses explosives, The Rifleman, who is an expert marksmen, and The Rider, who is a pike riding enthusiast
Carl: Right and then the Emo bitch who is the ring leader of the group, got it
Hunk: So in other words we will have our hands full....great
Carl: So let me get this straight, we've got Voldemort, John Wick, Doctor Strange, The Riddler, The Incredible Hulk, Space Isis, Deadshot, Paul Walker, and to top it off Justin Beiber is leading them....sounds fan fucking tastic....
Petra: I have no idea who any of those are
Hunk: Just go with it....it's how he remembers things....
Toby: I shall avenge Cayde-6 with my bow and strike down thy enemy!
Carl: Calm your tits Russel Crowe, alright, so are we doing this?
Hunk: Do we have a choice?
Carl: Not really
Hunk: Sweet....woke up today thinking today would be a great day to die, guess today is a win....
Space Force United S2 E4:
*Scene opens to the team wandering the Tangled Shore in search for The Hangman*
Hunk: Sooooooo this is going well....
Carl: Shut up, you know directions aren't my strong suit
*Cass appears*
Cass: Finally he admits it
Carl: You just come and go as you please don't you?
Cass: Hey, when you're criticizing yourself, you know I'm gonna be there
Carl: Ugh...I don't need this shit...
Cass: So, hunting down the Barons are we?
Hunk: Yep....it's amazing how we manage to fuck things up, and yet stay employed....
Carl: Toby is a prime example of how bullshit this job is....
*Toby in the back ground shooting his bow*
Toby: PEW PEW, BACK YE KNAVES!
Hunk: He had to be a waiver
Toby: I was told I'd do great things
Carl: I'm sure you were.....
Cass: So what's the plan?
Carl: Find the Hulk, Kill the Hulk, orrrrr die trying....
Hunk: That dying part seems pretty solid this time around
Carl: You aren't wrong
Toby: Don't worry, I will defend our honor, I will strike him down with my mighty bow!
Carl: Yeah, you do that, let me know how that goes for you...
Hunk: Um....Toby....There's an arrow in your head
Toby: I am still working out the kinks, I can't really feel it, or my head, or my toes...I can't feel anything really
Carl: Well, this is turning out to be quite the promising venture
Cass: We're getting close to The Hangman, what's your plan
Hunk: Not die
Cass: Good plan
Carl: I'm surprised that there isn't any enemies around here, you'd think there'd be a welcoming committee or something
Hunk: We don't really pose a threat
Cass: You really don't though
Carl: Thanks for the moral support, I don't know what I would ever do without you
Cass: That's What I'm here for
*Sound of chains rattling and scratching approaching*
Hunk: What the hell is that?
Carl: Getting bad guy vibes.....
*The Hangman appears*
Carl: HOLY SHIT!
The Hangman: *Inaudible screeching*
Hunk: Fuck this....I'm out
*Room lights on fire*
Hunk: AHHHHHHH COME ON!
Cass: Immmmmmmm gonna go.....
*Cass vanishes*
Carl: Thanks...once again such a big help...Alright big guy, now let's not get hasty, the sun is getting pretty low....
*The Hangman's Chain ball catches on fire*
Carl: Welp, fuck me....
Hunk: Well that escalated quickly...
Carl: Yeah, no shit, thanks for the bad news Mr Badnews Titan
Toby: STAND BACK CITIZEN! I SHALL LEAD THE WAY!
Hunk: hey dumbass, now is probably not the best time to.....
*Toby jumps and shoots and arrow at The Hangman, arrow hits The Hangman*
Toby: BEHOLD MY STRENGTH!
The Hangman: *Inaudible screeching*
Carl: Well who could have predicted that colossal fail?!
Toby: GUYS, THE BOW DOES NOT WORK!
CARL: NO SHIT FUCKTARD!
*The Hangman smacks Toby away*
Toby: REMEMBER MEEEEEEEEE!
Hunk: Well shit...now what
*Scorn begins to appear*
Carl: OKAY!? BUT WHY THOUGH?!
Hunk: It's cool man I've got this
*Hunk pops his Hammers*
Hunk: COME AT ME BRO!
*The Hangman smacks Hunk away*
Carl: Great job, way to take one for the team.....
Hunk: I'm just gonna lay here for a bit, pretty sure my backs broken....or my pride, one of the two.....
Toby: I CAN'T FEEL MY TOES!
Carl: Well...shit....
*Explosion goes off and The Hangman dies*
Carl: Ummm....what the fuck....
*Guardian appears*
Carl: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?!
Guardian: *silence*
Hunk: What happened? Still can't move and Nimble is being a cunt and won't heal me, HEAL ME YOU BASTARD!
Nimble: say please
Hunk: *screams*
Toby: Guys....the scary ghost is back
Dean: WE'VE ALREADY GONE OVER THIS MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT! I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GHOST YOU TWIT!
Carl: Seriously, who the hell are you?!
Guardian: *Silence*
*Ghost appears*
Ghost: I know you can talk you douchebag, you talk to me all the time
Guardian: *Silence*
Ghost: *Sighs* I apologize, he's not the most sociable person in the world
Carl: You don't say
Ghost: Allow me to introduce ourselves, my name is Echo, and my Guardian here is Mute
Carl: What, like he doesn't have any balls?
Hunk: I don't think that's what he means
Echo: Um....no....That's his codename, he's part of the Special Tactics division of Space Force command
Carl: We have one of those?!
Echo: Ye....yes
Carl: The more you know
Echo: Right....well we were dispatched to assist you in your search for the remaining Barons, turns out we arrived just in time
Carl: Whatttttt, no we totally had this under control
Hunk: We definitely did not have this under control
Toby: The mean Ghost is yelling at me!
Dean: BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT!
Echo: I see, well either way we are here to assist on Luna's orders
Carl: Luna must have been worried about me
Echo: Actually, she said she knew you three wouldn't be able to accomplish the mission alone, and feared that you would just do what you typically do
Carl: Which is?
Echo: Fail, fuck up, come back empty handed, lose your way, the list goes on
Carl: Oh right, those....
*Hunk walks up*
Hunk: Well, learned that my back isn't meant to face the opposite side of my body, what I miss?
Carl: Munich over here
Echo: Mute
Carl: Gesundheit
Echo: But I....never mind
Carl: anyways Munich apparently is joining our band
Hunk: In other words we have a babysitter
Echo: More like an overseer
Carl: So a babysitter...neat, Alright well, one down, 7 more to go, let's keep this party bus moving
Toby: I LIKE PARTIES!
Space Force United S2 EP: 5
*Scene opens to Toby singing in the background as the team hunts for the next Baron*
Echo: He has been singing the theme to Robin Hood for over an hour now.....
Carl: Yeah we tend to just tune him out
Echo: How does that usually go?
Hunk: It doesn't.....
Carl: Yeah....one of these days I'm going to jump in front of an incoming Cabal drop pod and never look back
Echo: Because you'll be dead
Carl: Thanks for clarifying, but yes, yes I will
Hunk: Take me with you....
Echo: Motivated bunch aren't you?
*Cass appears*
Cass: You can say that again....
Echo: Ah Cass, haven't seen you in quite some time
Cass: Yep...been hanging around these guys for a while now....
Echo: You seem happy about that?
Cass: Oh yeah, let me tell you....if we could drink, I'd be an alcoholic.....
Echo: I see....well, the sooner we accomplish our mission, the sooner we can raise everyone's spirits
Carl: He's motivated
Echo: I try to stay hopeful
Carl: Stop being happy...
Echo: I'm just saying
Carl: Stop it....none of That here....
Echo: right....
Hunk: So our next target is the Rider?
Carl: Yep...only problem is we need Pikes....and we don't have any Pikes
Hunk: We can always steal some?
Carl: What...you think this is GTA? we can't just steal Pikes, we have to fight for them....
Hunk: You make it seem like that's hard?
Carl: It's not hard it just means more work for us....
Cass: See, we're a motivated group
Echo: I can see that...
*Team walks up to a Garage*
Hunk: Huh....a Pike garage, looks like Lady Luck is on our side for once
Carl: Shut up, you'll jinx it
*Carl grabs the Pike*
Carl: Okay let's go hunt this fucker down so we can move on down the list
*The Team heads to the Rider's location*
Hunk: That's odd, didn't the map say he'd be here?
Carl: Ever feel like Lady Luck is a lying bitch that just wants to watch your hopes and dreams get crushed?
Toby: I had my dreams crushed
Hunk: Let me guess, when you joined the military?
Toby: No....my mom said that the moon was made of cheese, I've been to the moon....*whispers* there is no cheese....only anorexic space zombies....
Carl: Ya know...I would love to spend a day in your shoes Toby
Toby: But I am wearing boots....
Carl: Not a care in the world
Hunk: Or a thought for that matter
Carl: I mean I know I would never get anything done
Toby: It's nice...sometimes I can here things moving in my head
Carl: I bet, and I can only assume that it's that pebble that you call a brain
Toby: I call him Carl
Carl: Don't you ever insult me like that again....
Echo: Can we focus on what's important here??
Carl: Hey you joined our crew, you either deal with our random moments of fuckery or you get the fuck off this joy ride
Echo: *sighs* The Rider, how do we find him?
Hunk: His name is "The Rider", I'm assuming he is probably riding something
Echo: That doesn't really narrow down our search....
Carl: Well considering our luck lately, I'm only assuming that we will be encountering him in 3...2...
*The Rider appears and begins shooting at the team*
Echo: HOLY SHIT!?
Carl: and There you have it folks, a nice cluster fuck
Hunk: What the hell do we do?!
Carl: UM I DON'T KNOW, FUCKING SHOOT BACK!?
Hunk: How the hell do you even use the weapons on this thing?!
Carl: I'M FUCKING SPACE GANDALF NOT A FUCKING PIKE WHISPERER!
Toby: I like our family outings
Carl and Hunk: SHUT THE FUCK UP TOBY!
Toby: I love you guys too
Echo: MUTE DO SOMETHING!
Mute: *Nods and jumps into the air, popping his new Blade Barrage super*
Carl: WHAT IN THE ASS IS THAT SHIT!?
The Rider: *Screeching* OOOOOOH YOU THINK YOU GOT ME BITCH! YOU GON LEARN DA HARD WAY YOU DON FUCK WIT DA BEST!
Mute: *Throws blades at The Rider*
The Rider: OOOOOOOOOOH YOU DONE FUCKED UP, YOU GON GET DEAD YOU SUM BITCH
Hunk: Not gonna lie, but why though
Carl: I know right? When the fuck did we get new supers?!
Hunk: No I mean.....his accent....it's so....hickish
Carl: THAT'S WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO FOCUS ON?!
Toby: That is Discrimanation
Carl: It's discrimination and that's not what he means dumbass
The Rider: MAYBE YOU BOYS WANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO DA ACTION!
*The Rider shoots at the Team*
Carl: Son of a bitch! hey Mute! Your shit was use....wait
*Mute lays dead on the ground*
Echo: HOW DID YOU GET RAN OVER?!
Carl: Well shit....
The Rider: IMMA FUCK YOU UP REAL GOOOOOOOD!
Hunk: I got an idea
Carl: That's a first
Hunk: Well I managed to pick something up earlier, it might just do the trick
Carl: Less talking, more showing
Hunk: *Sighs and pulls out Twin Rabbit*
Carl: Okay really? When did we start getting new shit, and why was I not included?!
Hunk: HEY ASSHOLE! I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YA!
The Rider: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH YOU TALKIN THATTTT GOOOOODDDDD SHIIIIITTTTTTTTT
*Hunk fires two rockets at The Rider*
The Rider: WHAAAAAAAATTTTTTSSSSSSSSSS GOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD
*Explosion kills The Rider*
Carl: Paul Walker would be proud....
Hunk: Huh, I can't believe that worked
Carl: As salty as I am right now, that was bad ass
Toby: ooooooooohhh you emancipated himmmm
Carl: Jesus....no Toby, stop using words you don't understand
Hunk: No more Webster's for you....
Toby: Awwwwww....
*Mute and Echo walk up*
Echo: Wow you guys pulled it off
Carl: Don't push yourself to sound impressed....jeeze
Echo: Well now that he's out of the way, now what?
Carl: On to the next target I guess...
Hunk: Two down and I'm not dead yet, I guess things are looking up
Space Force United S2 EP 6
*Scene opens to the team hunting down the Trickster*
Carl: So let me get this straight, you have never been to the United States?
Hunk: What part of us getting revived in fucking Russia don't you understand?
Carl: Shit, I ain't no commie
Hunk: That's not what I'm saying, all I'm saying is we don't know where the hell we came from
Carl: I Came from the land of good ol boys and the sound of mother fuckin freedom
Hunk: *sighs* never mind...
Carl: Merica
Toby: I Came from...l don't know where I Came from...
Carl: You Came from a dumpster
Toby: That would explain the smell
Hunk: No...that's because you changed your armor in 4 weeks....
Toby: *Stares*
Hunk: Seriously...it's been 4 weeks...
Toby: It's my natural musk
Hunk: Your natural musk smells like shit wrapped in burnt bacon
Toby: That sounds delicious
Hunk: You're an idiot....
Toby: I like to think I'm smart
Hunk: That's your problem....you're thinking....
Carl: Anyways, next target is Space Isis
Echo: Like the terrorist group?
Carl: No, the fucking boy band, didn't you hear their last single? I'll Blow Up That Way?
Echo: I can't tell if you're being ser....
Carl: It's a fucking joke you Guilty Spark downgrade
Echo: I don't know what that is...but I'm offended
Carl: Go rust yourself....
Mute: *Silence*
Echo: Thanks for the back up, so we are going after this guy, any intel on him?
Carl: Count Mount Ass a Ton isn't very good with providing information....all I know is that he likes to set explosive traps, but cloaks them to look like something else....are we sure we aren't fighting Isis?
Echo: I don't know who that is
Carl: Ugh...
Hunk: So how do we know if we're on the right track to finding him?
Toby: *GASPS*
*Others turn*
Hunk: What, you realize you're a dum...what the hell is that?
*Pile of Exotics glow in the distance*
Carl: Are those...what I think they are?
Echo: That's odd, who would just leave exotics in the open?
Toby: I SAW THEM FIRST!
Carl: TOBY YOU PASTE EATER WAI....!
*Toby grabs exotic and it explodes*
Carl: *Facepalms* Christ.....
Echo: They are bombs!
Carl: No shit, thanks for pointing out the obvious....
Toby: *Groaning* Guys those Exotics are expired
Hunk: hey dumbass! Do you just pick up anything on the ground?!
Toby: I have a natural sense of curiosityyyyyyyyy
Hunk: Natural sense of dumb assery more like it
Toby: *Whimpering*
Carl: What have we learned?
Hunk: Nothing apparently
Toby: Those exotics are mean...they hurt people
Carl: They weren't exotics they were...
Toby: OHHHHHH MORE EXOTICS!
Hunk: And so much for that
*Toby runs and gets blown up again*
*Dean appears*
Dean: Seriously....you fuckin moron, you didn't learn the first time?
Toby: Guys, I think I'm in heaven, but the angels here are mean
Dean: If I had hands they would be around your neck right now
Toby: To hug me?
Dean: TO END YOU!
Toby: Maybe I'm in hell
Dean: Ya know what....heal yourself....
*Dean vanishes*
Carl: Well, as entertaining as it is to watch you blow yourself up over and over again, we need to find this asshole so we can get on with this tedious bullshit
