A Dumb Way for Everything to Go Wrong

One thing that has struck me as odd over the years (until I eventually understood it for myself) is how much people tend to dislike certain people, or types of people in their lives.

A common example of this would be "step" family members. Many people I know tend to have poor relationships with their stepfathers and stepmothers, and let us not forget the grandparents, everyone dislikes them. A notable exception to this rule would be step-siblings, which it seems everyone usually have a cool, yet amicable relationship with given time.

I would say that this fact is backed up by the amount of smut posted on the internet and various other "sites", but that fact would be trite to bring up, and awfully gauche, so I won't bring it up.

Just heavily imply that it exists and is a thing.

The second type of relationship that always threw me until recently was this supreme dislike for "ex's". This can be anything from a lover to a spouse, coworker to a boss, and many other relationships.

Thanks to Stacy Laurette, I now understand this dynamic.

You see, me and Stacy happened to meet on the popular dating app Space Tinder (like Tinder, but space), and we hit it off well! You see, I was waiting for a large shipment of faux-bananas to come in from Australia IV and had a few weeks of down time before the shipment came in, so I decided to try my luck and have a nice dinner date, with maybe something on the side.

The date ended up going quite well, and we ended up hanging out for the next two weeks enjoying the sights, going to the beach, and ended up enjoying every moment of it. She was also kind of a hard-ass but had the gentle side to her. It was kind of hot, like her, really.

But all things had to come to an end, and the date came for the heist, so I told her I would be leaving the system, said my goodbyes, and went to work. If you have been paying attention so far, it is easy to see I made a few mistakes here.

For starters, I never actually asked what she did for her job, nor did I look her name up at all to find out, silly me. Secondly, I misread her intentions for how our relationship dynamic was. I wanted a fling, and she wanted a husband.

Apparently by not knowing who she was, I gave her the impression I did not care about her being a space cop, and that I loved her for who she was, not what she represented or how much she made. When I decided to steal from her, it broke her heart.

It also turned me into her "bad boy", and now she wants me for both loving her and not caring about her enough to openly defy her and steal from her and her employers. She has now turned it into her life mission to capture me and make me her husband/pet. While this is the first time we have met since I have left, I have heard the reports of her appearing shortly after I have made some of my impressive getaways.

It should be noted that a third of the bounty on my head was posted by her, and it is the only reason I am to be captured alive.

"Jak, baby!", came the seductive voice over the intercom once more. God, that is hot!

Quickly shaking my head to dispel my inconsistent thoughts, I do some mental math in my head about how I was to escape such a dire situation. Five ships against my one, with them already aimed at me and ready to fire, and they are heavier class ships fitted for combat while my corvette is essentially a retrofitted tanker used to make quick strikes, then retreat.

This was not looking good.

"Alfred!", I shout to my best inanimate frenemy, "Simulate some possible scenarios and tell me the ones with the highest chances of escape!".

"AYE AYE", I hear the mechanical voice coming from the right, as I brace myself for the bad news. Alfred was usually pretty good at pulling amazing, and incredibly unique plans out of his (nonexistent) ass. He has saved both of us many times, so I just had to hope he had something this time.

"FIRST SUGGESTION IS TO GO ABOARD THE ENEMY VESSEL AND ACCEPT YOUR FATE, 100% CHANCE OF SUCCESS AND SURVIVABILITY, AND PROBABLE MARRIAGE AND REHABILITATION INTO A RESPONSIBLE MEMBER OF SOCIETY".

"Okay smartass, we really don't have time for this sarcastic talk today. Besides, they would probably scrap the ship the second I go onboard, including you."

"I KNOW, I JUST NEEDED TIME TO COME UP WITH A BETTER PLAN, CALM DOWN"

"Jackass". I couldn't help smiling to myself as I said it, to go that far to make a joke of the situation while it is this bad. We truly deserve to be together!

"ACTUAL SUGGESTIONS. USE THE EMP ON THE ENEMY SHIPS TO DISABLE THEIR WEAPONS, THEN TURN AROUND OUR SHIP TO JUMP OUT OF THE SYSTEM. TAKING INTO ACCOUNT THE AMOUNT OF TIME THIS WOULD TAKE TO INPUT FTL COORDINATES FOR A SAFE JUMP, IT IS THE SAFEST PLAN BUT HAS THE LOWEST CHANCE OF SUCCESS AS THE EMP ONLY LASTS A LIMITED TIME ON LARGER VESSELS."

This was a solid plan, and very doable even with the tight time frame, but my gut was telling me not to go through with this plan. If they were somehow able to fake me out with information on a fake heist that even fooled Tom or found out what I was doing and acted on limited information, I could not guarantee that they did not set up traps to catch me when I jumped to another system.

It is also a possibility that Tom sold me out, and that none of my usual haunts were safe either. There just isn't enough information.

"THE SECOND PLAN IS TO DO THE SAME THING AS THE FIRST PLAN, BUT INSTEAD WE DO A BLIND JUMP IN THE DIRECTION OF THE ENEMY SHIPS. THIS WOULD SAVE US TIME FROM PUTTING IN FTL COORDINATES AND WOULD DAMAGE THE ENEMY SHIPS ENOUGH FROM THE SHOCKWAVE TO PREVENT PURSUIT".

Another solid plan, but ridiculously more dangerous to pull off.

FTL as a mode of space travel is generally a very simple affair, you point into a direction you want to go, go that way for a set amount of time based on the speed of your drive and then stop when you want to stop, if you have the fuel. Usually because of the speed you are going, you can blast through small debris without damaging the ship, if you don't hit a large asteroid or a planet or something.

The problem comes when you exit from FTL speeds.

If you are not careful, you can potentially run right into objects as you are slowing down, shearing a ship in half, or knocking out vital systems or even the drive core itself. It is very risky business.

"THE THIRD PLAN IS TO SET THE EMP ON A TIMER, THEN GET CAPTURED WITH ME ON A DRIVE WITH YOU. AFTER YOU ARE ABOARD AND THE EMP GOES OFF, BYPASS THE SECURITY AND DEFENCES INSIDE THE SHIP UNTIL YOU REACH THE HANGAR BAY, INSTALL ME ON A DOCKED SHIP SO I CAN TAKE OVER, AND THEN WE FLY AWAY"

A physically risky plan, but very doable. All GPF ships have trackers on them, preventing them from being fired upon by other ships of the same type. Furthermore, as a true AI, Alfred would be able to overpower any system on a small vessel easily, allowing us to escape easily once we get on the ship we plan to take.

The problem is more of how I perform on the mission physically. Am I confident enough to overpower the security of what I assume to be a fully staffed ship? More importantly, I assume I would be taken right to Stacy to be arrested and taken into custody.

Can I truly take her down, and not be enamored by her attractive personality, her amazing talent and sweet ass?

A tall order indeed.

Also, I had a lot of capital invested into the ship and "SEIZER", I would prefer not to lose them if I can.

"Were you just thinking about me sweetie?" a sickly saccharine voice emits from the center console. "We can be together forever, you and me, and our 9 kids we will have together. And the dog. I just can't wait!"

That voice knocks me out of my stupor immediately. Nine kids are just too much, I don't think I even have enough liquid in me to do that!

"THEIR WEAPONS ARE CHARGING SIR, THEIR CANNONS SEEM TO BE AIMING AT THE SIDES OF OUR SHIP, POSSIBLY TO DISABLE OUR SYSTEMS. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE URGENCY, BUT THE TIME TO DECIDE IS NOW! THE EMP IS READY TO GO."

It was do or die now, and I had no desire to get caught now. I am a bachelor through and through, and no one can take that from me without my consent. I am a thief after all, it is my job to take things without consent!

"Set off the EMP and plot a blind jump right in between the ships" I shout in an excited, and desperate tone. "We are going into the unknown, and we will make it through this time like we always have, intact and prepared to pillage again!"

My spirits raised and voice eager, I shout at the console while holding down the speaker button, making this my first and final response to Stacy and the fleet opposing us.

I look at the ships ahead and look at them with my eyes (I assume) glittering with desire, the desire to be free and determine my own fate.

"FTL DRIVE ENGAGED, LAUNCH IN 5" Alfred begins his countdown, seemingly enthusiastic as well! Though, he is a disembodied voice, so who knows.

I look to the left of the console and see the button I appropriately named EMP flashing, just urging me to press it.

"4"

I take one last look at the ships ahead, a brief flash in my mind thinking of what could have been, before steeling myself and pressing the EMP button down hard.

"3"

The ship makes an incredibly loud BOOM! indicating that the EMP has gone off, with static dancing in the emptiness of space, the only visible indication that the EMP even existed. The excited electrons dance in the emptiness, seeming to dare me to try and break through their obstruction to my view.

"2"

The space around me (and the ship) seems to distort as the FTL drive kicks in. Like the acceleration of a person running, or the old cars of the past that are known only in history videos, the ship slowly moves forward trying to pick up the initial speed necessary to jump to FTL speeds.

At the same time, I could not help but notice a single laser cannon from one of the battleships lighting up, a bright red contrasting the empty dark of space.

"Uh oh"

"1"

This is bad. Did the EMP not work? How could the laser still be charging up after the blast!

Was it pre-charged, or did it have a separate drive? How could this be!

Before I knew it, the laser had discharged from the cannon, and was heading straight for the Argo. Even if we wanted to stop, it was too late to slow down from the buildup o FTL speeds.

We were taking this hit.

"0!"

The screen went beige as we accelerated to FTL speeds, but not before a dull impact could be felt on the side of the ship. I could not feel it in the moment, but I knew it had happened thanks to my gut.

Suddenly, I felt a large amount of pressure being exerted on me spread evenly all over my body, and knew I was about to blackout from the traumatic force being exerted, but not before I heard one last thing coming from my monitor to the right.

"THAT'S WHAT I CALL A CLOSE CALL!"

I think it was meant to be a joke or something, but not only did I not get it, but it sounded lame, especially coming from Alfred.

And with that, I blacked out while hurtling through space in a damaged ship going FTL speeds.

Maybe marriage wasn't such a bad idea after all.