3 OWEN'S FUNERAL

"Owen died before we got to the hospital" my dad said. "please eat your food" he was helpless. The next day I spoke to no one. my stomach could not hold food. Once in a while my dad will hit my arm to force tears out of my eyes. I'll only frown my face once aside that expression I'll act like I didn't feel pain. I was aware of everything going on around me. I was aware of the funeral preparations...

Last night when dad entered his room I heard him recite. "Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha'olam, dayan ha-emet"

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Translation: "Blessed are You, Lord, our God, King of the universe, the Just Judge]

According to the Jewish tradition for a dead person situation you recite those words immediately you hear the news.

that was the last thing I heard.

I wondered why he thanked God for my dead brother. I wondered how many times he recited it already.

I was aware of everything going on. I wanted to say something but I couldn't, like something sealed my mouth... I wanted my mother here with me. I wanted her to hold me and tell me everything will be fine.

since embalming is against the Jewish tradition, the person is to be buried within twenty four hours if not forty eight hours. So dad came home late last night because he drove straight to the village that morning Owen died to bury him. I didn't even get to say goodbye or see him. He and Rabbi Anichka. I call him Rabbi Grace drove since the Rabbi performed the ritual for his body.

I held everything in.

So this funeral formalities are just for people to visit eat and pray nothing more. whatever it is I dont want to be a part of it. Everyone tried to talk to me telling my father to keep calling my name if not I'll be lost forever. like a zombie? no way...

Later that evening when everyone left the house dad carried me upstairs and laid me on the bed. "my child I'll get you a replacement for your brother. at least cry. please" my dad cried. I have to be strong. I really have to be strong I promised mom I'll be strong. I promised Owen especially that I'll be fine for two this is no way to be strong. my dad wiped his tears and kissed me on the head. he was about leaving when I called him "Dad?" he turned around quickly and hugged me. "where's mom?" he told me mom was mad at him for everything. she needed space.

at this crucial moment. I felt sorry for my dad. I hugged him back. I told him I'm fine and that I'll cry soon. how childish! making stupid promises and trying to keep to my word.

my dad laid beside me on my bed and we slept off together.