1 Of Gilded Times and Golden Memories

Tick. Tick. Tick.

I wake in a sweat to the sound of the clock on my bedside table, almost annoyingly persistent in its endless clicks. What a terrible nightmare. And it's only 3 am..

Today is just one of those nights in which I‌ can't forget the burden of loss that I‌ have encountered in my seventeen short years of existence. This happens occasionally when I wonder about the old days..

When things were lovely and right and golden.

Before I lost the two big loves in my life.. and then a third. A father and mother who was supposed to protect and love and cherish. A boy with a protective disposition and kind green eyes that mirrored my own. All of it gone.

But everyday I muster the strength to move forward and seamlessly hold together the shattered pieces of my life. Everyday I shall wipe away my tears and live this life given to me in the fullest way possible. This is my life. This is my story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...But now I can't sleep. And that isn't good because I‌ have to go to the lab early tomorrow if I want to get that cancer cell killing experiment finished in time.

You might be wondering what I'm doing in a lab at seventeen. After all, I should be out partying. Or cruising the mall. Or perhaps studying if I was that serious about school.

Well, I have several goals in life, and one of them is to cure cancer someday. I suppose it's an odd goal for someone so young. But it starts to make sense when I tell people that Mamma died when I was 13 and that she had cancer.

But she didn't die from cancer.

That would have at least made some sense to me. It would not have been less excruciating, but at least I would have had a more "typical"‌ experience.

Saying goodbye to your mother on her deathbed, kissing her hand as tears fell from your eyes as you tried to say something meaningful around the terrible tightness in your throat.

I had none of that. I never even got to say goodbye on the day that she died.

No.

When I got off the school bus on that fateful day, walking home with my little brother, I was fantasizing about the ravioli my Mamma promised to make that night. She wasn't cooking much then because she was unwell. But on that day, she promised that she would try because she was feeling better.

And yet, as we walked up the street towards our house, the dread I felt from hearing sirens was impossible to ignore. But in my young mind, I‌ stubbornly chalked it up to an unfortunate accident at the neighbor's home.. because nothing could have happened at my home.

Mamma was well, and she was going to make me some delicious ravioli.

Imagine then my shock as I witnessed the police tape lining the gate around our house, ambulances and police cars swarmed around it as press vans rolled up not six minutes later. I stood frozen across the street, my grip on my little brother loosening as I felt a cold numbness wash over me, my eyes glazed and my mouth falling slack from shock.

A detective walked over to us, recognizing my brother and I as children of the ill-fated household because of our bright red hair.. inherited from our Mamma.

"Are you two youngins the Manzo kids?", he asked.

He spoke in an artificially soft manner, his eyes coldly expressing his sympathy. It was like a slap to my face. I did not reply, only nodding blankly. Stephen, my seven year old brother, bore confusion on his face as his curiosity faded.

"I'm sorry, kids. You're going to have to come with me. There's a bit of trouble at your home, but it will be okay. I promise that you'll be okay."

"W-what about Mamma?"‌, I asked as my throat felt dry and my eyes stung with unshed tears.

The detective said that she was going to be alright, but I recognized the telltale pity in his voice.

And so, before I was subjected to any more of his lies, I suddenly let go of my brother and charged across the street with graceless speed, just as a car passed narrowly behind me. I ran without any feeling, as though my life depended on it. My intuition told me that the truth would be painful, but I could not rest without coming face to face with it.

Using a secret back entrance Papa and I‌ built the summer before, I ran into our kitchen and my eyes literally popped in shock at the sight that met me.

In the kitchen, Mamma lay on the ground, blood pooled around her. Ravioli stained her dress and the pot lay overturned on the floor next to her right hand. Papa was holding her left.

But he wasn't crouched next to her, distraught and in agony as he clutched his dead wife.

He was on the ground, his own pool of blood merging with Mamma's like some sick symbol of their unified death. In one of his hands, he held her hand. But in his other, he held a gun.

I never ate ravioli again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know how long I‌ stood there in my shock until my shaking legs finally gave way and I too, fell to the floor a few feet away from my dead parents.

It was then that the police, who were examining the grim crime scene around my parents, finally noticed me and brought me out of the house.

I followed them numbly this time as they led me outside to a petite woman with long black hair, her dark eyes streaming with tears.

"Oh, Shelley.. sweetheart..", she knelt down and hugged me as her tears stained my blouse.

Teresa was a family friend, also Italian, and she was like a second mother to me. It was only when I‌ hugged her that I‌ started sobbing. Hysterically at first and then more in anguish as the minutes passed. After crying into Teresa's shoulder for what felt like hours, I finally lifted my face.

Although I was blinded by stinging tears, I recognized her son, his green eyes a mirror of my own pain as he reached out to me with a tearful gaze.

Matthew.

Even in my grief and shock, my thirteen year old heart skipped a beat as I saw him. I could hardly blame my instinctive response. After all, I‌ had liked him since I‌ was 8 years old.

At the time of my parents' passing, he was my best friend, as although he was over two years older than me, our families were very close and we were in the same grade.

I was a smart kid. A people pleaser. A‌ teacher's pet.

And now I was an orphan.

Indeed, that fateful day permanently changed my life's course. They said that Papa killed himself and Mamma because he couldn't bear to live with the thought that he could lose her to cancer someday. In some sick twisted way, he wanted to die with Mamma instead of having her leave him. It made no sense to me.

But the deed was done and my brother and‌ I‌ had to leave San Jose, California. Shortly thereafter,‌ I‌ lost touch with Matthew and his family.

After a terrible stunt at a foster home, we were rescued by my Uncle Georgio, Papa's estranged brother.

Now, Steve and I‌ live in North Carolina with our uncle and his family; my Aunt Gianna, and my two cousins, Jolie and Bella, who are almost my age and are my best friends.

I have a pretty happy life now, and I‌'m content with all of the love that surrounds me in this wonderful home.

But sometimes I find myself drowning in memories of the gilded olden days, lost in the crippling what-if's and running in circles as I attempt to address questions for which I‌ have no answers.

This was one of those nights.

I knew that there was nothing I could do to bring my parents back. But the third love I‌ lost, Matthew, surely I could see him again, right? And who knows? Maybe things will blossom from there?

Tossing and turning in my bed, I‌ wondered once again about Matthew. What could he be doing right now? Did he still ever think of me? What if he never finds out how much I‌ love him? Because I did love him.. I still did.

It's going to be a long night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*knock knock*

Ugh. No rest.

*knock knock knock*

"Come in!", I shouted. Well, as loud as I could shout anyway in the morning.

Two brunettes rush in to the room.

"Just woke up, huh?"‌

"No,‌ Jolie. The bags under my eyes are Prada. Definitely not from waking up with your incessant knocking after a bad night." I said, dripping with sarcasm and rolled my eyes as they giggled.

Bella chirped back, "Oh come on,‌ Shells.. You know you need to get up and get work done so you can have the rest of the day off before my track meet this evening!"

"And we need to buy prom dresses too!" Jolie added. "It's your senior year and that means you gotta look glamorous!!"‌

"I know, I know.."

I sighed as I contemplated the significancy of prom compared to my thoughts from earlier that night. It was amusing to say the least.

But then again, it wouldn't hurt to just have fun and let go of the revolving thoughts in my head for a day.

"‌Thanks for looking out for me, guys. Really I mean it."

"Of course. We'll be waiting for you downstairs. See ya soon, Shells!"

They left the room and hopped down the stairs as I looked at them. Man, sometimes I wish I‌ had their dark, classic Italian good looks. Instead,‌ I'm pale, have this untamable curly red hair, and this huge freaking nose!‌ Perhaps my only redeeming features are these bright green eyes.. but all in all, I actually really like resembling Mamma.

"You know, I'm getting kind of nostalgic today." I thought to myself. I felt like reliving my memories of Mamma with my diary entries. I crossed the room to pick up my childhood diary, hidden right in plain sight on my bookshelf of course, and sat on the cosy armchair in the corner to read it in private.

I opened the page to my first entry, as memories started to float into my vision. I remembered that day like it was yesterday. It was nine years ago, when I was but 8 years old.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The manor in front of us was fully lit up from the inside and I could see silhouettes bustling through the hallways, presumably to get ready for the guests.

"I'm tired, Mamma!"‌ I whined, following with a yawn as I tugged incessantly at her skirt. She didn't pay any attention however as she was much too busy with calming down the baby, rocking in her arms.

"We've been travelling for days!"

"Principessa, I'm so proud of you! You've been so patient until now. The manor is right in front of us!" Papa took my hand and led me further down the road, ahead of Mamma.

I turned to look all around the manor, taken aback by the peacefulness of the garden and the river flowing through.

"It's so pretty, Papa!"

Papa chuckled. "And it's even more pretty inside!‌ Let's go inside this bella casa, my loves."

We followed the path until the front door and made our way in to an elegant antique hallway, where a man and a woman stood to greet us.

The woman, who seemed to be Mamma's age, was wearing a beautiful white dress and had silky black hair that was pinned up with a silver barrette.

The man, dressed equally fancy in a suit and glasses spoke up.

"Amico! How are you doing?"

"I'm great, Cesare! Grazie mille for having us over." Papa seemed enthusiastic but friendly. "I'm excited to finally join your company and look forward to settling in this charming neighborhood!"

"Prego, amico! I'm excited to have you in our ranks."

It was the woman's turn to gush.

"It has been many years, Sienna and Carlo! Look at how grown little Shelley has gotten!"

I turned away shyly from the attention but welcomed it in my head.

"Why, she reminds me of my-"‌ she sighed. "Oh but nevermind.."

I was intrigued with curiosity over what she was reminded of that made her look so sad and longing but before I‌ could wonder more she carried on to Mamma.

"Oh and what a beautiful babe in your arms! Let us come put him to sleep in the nursery. This way now.."

They quickly disappeared down a hallway on the right leaving me standing with Papa and his friend.

"It's really so great to see you, Carlo. Alessandro is at the La Royale Academy boarding school right now, but Matthew should be here somewhere.. He's only two or three years older than your Shelley."

Cesare looked around for a bit then called towards the stairs, "MATTHEW!‌ I have a friend here to see you!"

Aside from a thump upstairs, there was no reply.

"Why don't you go up and check one of our rooms?" he suggested to me. "Run along now, little one."

As I made my way up the stairs, I followed where I thought the thumps were coming from and found myself entering a dark room.

"Hello? Is anyone here?" I called out.

"You'll have to find me!‌ Hide and go seek, but you're it!‌ And no switching on the lights!"

A voice called out from the other side of the room.

I laughed, "But that's not fair!‌ I don't know where anything is here!"‌

"Guess I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast then!"

I could hear the spite in his laughter as my sense of competition switched on.

"Oh I'll find you mister!‌ You won't even hear me coming!"

"Try me!"

And so I‌ searched in every corner and crevice, trying to make as little noise as possible. I checked under the covers, under the bed, behind the door, next to the chest, inside the closet, but I couldn't find the cheeky fellow anywhere. And he had the gall to taunt me!

"Give up yet?"

"Oh‌ I'm just getting starte-"

My sentence was cut off as I collided into him and fell to the ground.

"Are you okay? Here, let me get you up."

And as he pulled me up, I‌ felt a spark. Looking back, I'm sure it was static electricity, but at the time it felt like fate.

"Grazie.."‌ I muttered as I slowly recovered from the shock.

Then, the lights went on.

Our gaze connected, my heart felt fuzzy, and I‌ gasped.

Since I was a little girl, after watching all those Disney movies, I wanted to know who'd be my future husband. Through my girlish eyes, I thought this boy looked just like Aladdin. Or Flynn. Whoever he resembled better, he HAD to be a prince. With my naive, childish conviction I just knew he HAD to be.

I fluttered my eyelashes up at him as I excitedly introduced myself.

"Hi!‌ I'm Shelley and I'm 8 years old. Your Papa said you were 11?"

"It's nice to meet you, Shelley! I'm Matthew. And yes, I'm 11."

He kept bowing as he replied making me more flustered than I‌ should be.

"Oh stop that! It's silly!"

Matthew laughed.

"Alright, I'll stop being a gentleman."

And so this became our first meeting. My family stayed with his for an entire two weeks, and then we moved to a neighboring house for another five years.

Our Papas worked together in the same company in San Jose, of which Matthew's father was president. My Papa was recruited to be the Vice‌ President, and he enjoyed his job immensely. Although my Papa and Uncle Cesare knew each other as kids and were good acquaintances through their young adult years, they became much closer over the tenure of their job. Even as Matthew and I‌ only just became teens, Uncle Cesare and Papa joked about planning our wedding.

As for my Mamma and Aunt Teresa, they had only met twice before we moved. As such they were not very close, but over our time in California, they became like sisters. Our families became especially close because we spoke Italian, and we gathered often as both family friends as well as business colleagues.

As for Matthew and me, we got along tremendously. Matthew taught me how to program computers, we went to Sunday school together, and we played all sorts of games together. I lived in San Jose for five years, until I‌ was 13 and he was 15, and he was my best friend.

As silly as it sounds, I‌ affectionately called him Emmy. He called me Princess, as a way to tease me since that's what my Papa called me in Italian. Most touchingly of all, he adored my little brother Steve to pieces, even as Matthew himself became a teenager. I loved watching them play.

When I consider those times, I‌ like to think that Matthew hung out with me because he liked being with me.. As opposed to him being rejected by other boys because he wasn't a sporty guy and instead wrote poems, features that were exaggerated by his mild manners and skinny frame. I like to think that he wasn't overshadowed by his older brother Alex, and that he had a great group of friends to choose from.. I like to think that he was happy with everyone around him but STILL chose me over everyone else.

But I‌ recall rare moments when I could catch a faraway look in his eyes, and I would see how sad he was sometimes. I‌ would try to talk to him at those times, to glimpse at what was going through his mind, to unravel what issues he was having either at school or at home.. But I‌ could never get too far with his emotions, and he would resume a cheery facade all too soon for my comfort.

And then, all of a sudden, when I‌ was but 13 years of age..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remind myself that I am a very lucky person, with a new loving family and a healthy happy life.

But there is something emotionally crippling about being an orphan. It jumps at you all of a sudden even years after a parent's loss. You wonder about all the what-if's, you wonder if your parents are watching over you, you feel unprotected, lonely and vulnerable sometimes.

And the worst part is, I don't know how to feel about my Papa. Mostly, I try to remember how loving and caring he was to my Mamma,‌ Stephen and me. But right now I‌ felt resent. Why did he have to ruin our lives?

Of course, I‌ can never make sense of it. But it was just so unexpected. After all, Mamma's cancer was potentially curable. And normally, my Papa was never one to give up.

He was always optimistic, always perseverant.. and I never saw signs of him being depressed. So why would he have taken his life and that of my Mamma's? Did he snap under some sort of external pressure?

Sometimes.. in my darkest moments.. I wonder.. if it was all a set-up. I don't live extravagantly now, since my aunt and uncle now have four kids instead of two. But when my parents were still alive, we were pretty well-off.. and where there is gold, there are thieves.. They say that greed is the root of all evil.. but murder.. could it be?

Oh but I can't go there again, I must not go there! False hopes and rationalizations aren't going to make this situation right. It's why I‌ have the nightmares after all, I keep trying to assign the blame my father deserves on me or someone else.

I don't like to think of him as a murderer.

Just as I was wrapped up in those thoughts and a few stray tears slipped their way out from my otherwise composed facade, Bella came in unnoticed and saw my face.

"Shelley, are you getting rea- Shells!‌ What's wrong?"

She looked down at the ground, not sure if I would want to tell her how I felt or keep it to myself.

"I was just thinking about Papa, and what he did.. and I‌ don't understand why.."‌

Saying it out loud started to make me tear up and Bella came closer to give me a comforting hug.

"There there, you need to let it out and talk about how you feel.."

She paused for a moment, trying to find the right words to say next.

"I can't compare to your pain right now since I‌ only heard stories about them, but I‌ miss your Mamma and Papa too. And although I can't explain why he did what he did, you have to trust yourself that they want you to be happy. Wherever they are.. I'm sure that's all they want for the young woman they must be so proud of."

She let go and stepped back, giving me a small smile.

I took a moment to get my blubbering to stop and smiled back.

"Thanks, Bells. I really needed to hear that."

"Hey, no problem! Anytime." she smirked, "Now you need to get some sun. Come on! You can go to the lab later. We don't live on the coast of North Carolina for nothing!"

"I‌ like that idea actually."‌, I felt a bit lighter now.

"I'll text Jolie to join us!"‌

Then Bella was already out the door as I‌ followed behind. We went down to the quaint little kitchen to see my Aunt Gianna bustling here and there. Although my aunt is pretty busy most of the time, she's really kind to me and Stephen. She turned around as we took a seat at the counter.

"Girls! I was just going to see what you were up to!"

Bella replied "No need, Mom. I'm going to take Shelley to the beach.‌ I think she could use a little sunshine today."

Aunt Gianna looked at me with concern, "Oh, is everything alright?"

I avoided her gaze and reassured her that everything was fine, no need to make everyone worry after all.

"Alright then, you girls have fun!"

And with that she went back to her baking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The waves crashed across the shore as the sun streamed down and seagulls beat their wings against the wind. As I took in the salt in the air and the warm breeze, Jolie piped up,

"What a gorgeous day, huh girls?"

"It's beautiful." I agreed.

And so the chatting started with a whole range of topics from Bella's ruthless coach to Jolie and her newest "rival"‌ and the fights that took place between them. We laughed together as I delivered a "burn to the third degree"‌ as Jolie put it.

"You know, it's kinda funny. I never stood up like that as a kid back when I‌ was bullied. I‌ always let others fight my fights.. Well.. only one person, really. He always stood up for me when he was around. Did I‌ ever tell you about this one time when Matthew-"

I was cut off by Jolie's exasperated sigh.

"Not MATTHEW again, Shells! It's always Matthew this, Matthew that."

Her words stung unconsciously, but before I could respond Bella shushed her.

"Shelley needs this right now, Jolie! Let her talk!"

Jolie looked down in embarrassment, "Sorry Shells. Tell us what you wanted to say."

I bit my lip and hesitated, "Are you sure?"

"Hey, don't mind my reaction earlier. We've just heard so much about this Matthew guy from you that ‌I fell into our typical reaction when you bring him up. But go ahead and tell us this story. I'm sure we haven't heard it before."

Bella gave her a look as to say shut it. Jolie carried on,

"And besides, you never really explained what you mean by being bullied as a kid outside of.. well.. um.. issues with your foster parents."

With the mention, she looked around awkwardly and Bella pursed her mouth.

"Yeah.. I don't talk about it much, I guess. It's in the past where it belongs. And it is really not that big of a deal compared to what happened with THEM."

"Aww Shelley.."‌, Bella gave me a comforting look.

"It's alright. But let's not talk about them and go back to what I‌ was going to say."

I cleared my throat as I‌ began to recount my time in middle school.

"Well, back when I‌ was 13.."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to a nice private school with all of the rich kids. St. Generose had a very particular student body. I was smart, as was Matthew, and I had even advanced a few grades to join him, but I was certainly not popular.

That was partly because I wasn't exactly going through a golden transition from child into teenager.

I looked a little "buggy". My nose was too large for my face, and this was emphasized by my hairstyle. My hair was an interesting shade of red, it was also frizzy, unmanageable and shapelessly curly, such that I‌ always kept it in braids. And worst of all, I‌ had this weird facial hair that I became really self conscious about.

Finally, because of my meek nature and my love of books, I‌ was a prime target of a clique of mean kids. I hated break-time as it would usually involve me walking through hallways hoping they wouldn't notice me.

I turned the corner one day as Mark and Cynthia, the leaders of the group, bumped into me and I‌ watched as they smirked.

"Aww, don't be scared, Smelly Helley. We just came to see if you still had that caterpillar on your face!"

They snickered amongst themselves as Cynthia curled her blonde hair around her finger and added in,

"Mark, maybe we should introduce carrot head to some tape and rip that 'stache off her face.."

At this point a small crowd had gathered, watching and laughing from the sidelines. It was a living nightmare.

"Ooh I‌ like that idea. But what can we do to keep her from looking like an ugly toad?"‌, Mark said in between puffs of his cigarette.

I turned to hide my face as tears fell down my cheeks and Cynthia took notice.

"Yeah!‌ Cry for your mommy, little baby! But don't get too used to running to mommy."

She had the most despicable grin on her face as she delivered the final blow.

"I heard your mommy's gonna die soon. I bet she gave up on treatments because she couldn't bear to live with how ugly her kid is!"

I started sobbing as the laughter that seemed to come from all around me suffocated me.

"Back off, you dumb fucks!"‌, snapped Matthew as he came into the circle.

"What has Shelley ever done to you to merit this sort of harassment from you filthy lowlifes?"

Everyone watching looked down in shame and there was no response from Mark or Cynthia.

"ANSWER‌ ME!‌ Or else I'll go to the teachers again!"

I could see that Matthew was seething with anger.

Cynthia retorts back, "Our problem with her is that she exists."

It took a moment to sink in but when it did.. everyone was in shock.

"How dare you suggest..?!", exclaimed Matthew.

Mark chimed in, "What's the deal with you and Smelly Helley anyway? Some girlfriend you have there."

He chortled in laughter as Cynthia punched his side.

Matthew glared back.

"Shelley is one of my best friends here and you'd know well to leave her alone."

Mark took another puff of his cigarette.

"Best friend, huh? Look at that, toadie. Even loverboy here doesn't want you."

His laughter was booming across the hallway at this point. I don't think he even knew how much his words impacted me.

"I‌ never said that, you little shit."

"Let's face it, bruh. You know that you can do much better." He turned to a mocking tone, "Even though you write frilly poetry!"

"Shut up, Mark. Guys who write poetry are hot."

Cynthia tossed him a look before flipping her hair. I noticed from the side of my vision the eye roll Matthew gave her advances.

"Yeah right, Cynthia!‌‌ Let's be real over here.. poetry is for girls!"

She crossed her arms in annoyance while Mark pointed and laughed, seemingly having the best time of his life.

"Ooooh, look at meeee!‌ I can talk about roses and violets and rainbows!"

Matthew interjected, "In a perfect world I'd slap you, Marcus. But that would be animal abuse."

He put his hand to his face as if in thought, "No, wait. The way you mindlessly follow her around, you act like a fucking plant."

Mark stood aback in shock before rage took over.

"Well that finally shut you up. Touching prose, no? Now get lost, you fucks!"‌

Matthew grabbed my hand and swiftly pulled me away, "Come on Shells. Let's get out of here."

As soon as we were a distance away, I broke down in tears. Matthew tried to console me as best as he could.

"Don't cry, Shells.."

"Why do they hate me so much?‌‌ Am I‌ that horrible?", I sniffled.

"Don't think that! They're just despicable and like to prey on easy targets."

He pulled me into a silent hug. Even as Matthew rubbed my back and wiped away my tears as I wept into the crook of his neck, I felt a spark where he touched me. I felt so comforted by my once best friend.. by this time, no longer a best friend. Because in my heart, I‌ recognized that I‌ saw him as much more than a mere friend. He was my anchor. My laughter. My comfort. My water and air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"He was my true love."

With that announcement, I‌ could feel the awkward skepticism hanging thickly in the air, especially from Jolie.. but it was how I truly felt.

I missed him so much.

"Those kids were so mean to you, Shells. What did they even have against you?"‌, Bella asked with sympathy.

"Eh. A part of me wants to know and then most of me just doesn't care anymore.‌ It's in the past after all. It's probably just kids being cruel as they can be sometimes.", I shrugged.

"Besides.. Some kids go through far worse. I was lucky to have a good friend and a nice home to come back to. Emmy always told me that I‌ needed to stand up for myself more and learn to fight back even when I was told hurtful things about Mamma. He promised to help me whenever he could and taught me a few choice comebacks that have stuck with me ever since.", I chuckled in reminiscence.

Bella sighed. "Matthew sounds amazing."

"He really was someone special.. He was so different than other boys our age."

There was a flicker in Bella's eyes.

"You.. you really loved him, huh?"

I nodded.

"Still do. I love him like I‌ do the morning sun. If we ever run into each other many, many years later.. Even if we find new people and get married or whatever, despite how wrong it might be, I'd know sure as day that I still love him. This fire just hasn't gotten the chance to snuff itself out. And, if anything, I've kept it alive for all these years. Because he's worth it."

Putting my head in my hands, I thought of the possibilities, "I feel faint just thinking about it! Meeting him by chance a few years later would just be.."

I couldn't find the words.

"I couldn't sleep last night because I wondered if he still remembers me. Well, that among other things."

Jolie asked softly, "Uh.. what's bugging you Shells?"

I let out a heavy breath as I organized my thoughts.

"It's a lot of things. With me going to college this fall and so many things changing, I‌ just.. I keep thinking about everything I‌ lost. Everything that I've been displaced from. I just can't let go."

"Of Matthew? Or-"

"Of everything I‌ left in California! This small, calm town has certainly been good to me. But with my eighteenth birthday this summer and college coming up.. it's high time for me to return and piece together what I was forced to leave behind."

Bella looked deep in thought.

"Aren't you scared of what you'll find?"

"I'm scared of what I DON'T know. My parents and what happened to them.. There has to be something more to it. And I won't wait until I'm a ghost to find the answers I want!"

I paused as I realized how worked up I was getting.

"And it's driving me crazy.. As I get closer to making some big changes in my life, and after having healed from the initial trauma.. I don't know why. But I feel like I'm running out of time to reconcile the past I so rashly left behind."

Bella and Jolie nodded solemnly in agreement.

"I've been thinking about it a lot lately and.. I need to go back somehow. Otherwise, I'll regret it forever. And if I wait too long, who knows what might happen to Matthew!‌ He could find love if he hasn't already and.. I can't lose my chance."

After my dramatic monologue had ended, Jolie perked up,

"Why don't you talk to him? You still have his phone number, right?"

"Of course, it's the basis of all my numeric passwords!‌ It's the perfect, most memorable set of numbers!", I gushed back.

Jolie face-palmed.

"Hyperbole aside, why don't you just ring up his 'divine' digits?"

"But what would I say?? We haven't talked since the state yanked me and my brother and placed us in foster care. My foster parents were greedy, crazy lunatics who didn't believe I should have anything reminding me of my old life. They punished me when I tried to keep in touch with him."‌

It riled me up just thinking about it. Jolie seemed to be too.‌ She shook her head and tutted,

"It's a real shame that our dads weren't on good terms when you-know-what happened. Good grief! If Dad knew that your mom had cancer, he would have given up their silly grudge and offered to help. And as soon as he would have heard about the tragedy, he would have taken care of you and Steve. I think foster care can work out great for many kids. But it's too bad you were placed in a frickin' jail home for eight months!"

Bella hummed in agreement,

"But back to the point, why don't you just call Matthew and tell him you miss him a lot and that you remembered him by reading your diaries?"

I blushed at the proposal and ranted, "Honestly, there's a couple things that aren't right about calling him up out of the blue after years of silence. It would be awkward to call him up all of a sudden. I mean, we were much younger when we last saw each other!‌‌ What if he hardy remembers me? And it's weirder because he's a guy. With a chatty girl friend it may be easy to catch up. But who knows with Matthew?"

Jolie shrugged.

"You're right. A lot can change in five years of a guy's life. But you'll never know unless you try, right?"

"But I don't know if NOW is the best time or not.."‌

"You're the oldest among us and usually give the best advice, but I'll be your guide today."

Jolie struck her teacher pose and started her speech.

"Life isn't about waiting for the right time to come. It's all about doing all the right things in the time that is given to you. And when will you discover this elusive 'right time' to talk to him? You have to take matters into your own hands. MAKE the right time happen. Don't wait for it."

The insight her advice gave me made so much sense.

"Huh. I.. I suppose you're right."

"Of course I am! So hand me that phone!"

Before I could protest Bella was already digging through my bag and fished out my phone in record speed, tossing it over to Jolie.

"Holy crap, NO!"

I screamed and ran to Jolie but before I could reach her Bella hooked me back and held on tightly.

"Let me go Bella!"

Jolie was fiddling with the phone for a few more moments before I‌ heard the dialing tone.

"Jolie!!‌ What are you doing?!"

She shushed and said chill out, when suddenly her face lit up in excitement. She passed the phone into my hand before I‌ could even comprehend what was going on.

Okay okay, deep breaths, stop shaking, get this stupid heart to stop racing and-

"Uh.. hello?"

I didn't finish thinking to myself when a voice cut through the phone, confused but polite and soft as velvet.