2 Lost

"To lose your path is the way to find that path." — BTS, "Lost"

The cold hard steel of the railing feels odd under my numb hands as gripped it in earnest as if I want it to hold me back. But does it really want to? I thought as I look beyond the Pasig River's dark horizon with just enough dots of light going on and off to make their presence felt.

I feel cold and the wind is unusually chilly this evening. It was not always this way in Manila where the thick dank air permeates the air. Today the air is almost fresh, balmy and I could hardly smell the pollution from the murky river.

It is a beautiful night. a perfect night to end it all.

I slowly climbed up the railing and breathed in. Maybe it will be my 5th or 2nd to the last breath that I will do so. No tears. Just goodbye to the unknown. Nobody will grieve my body as it sinks down along with the garbage residing inside the river's water. Nobody will know the distinction between which is trash, and what is my body. We will all be one in the end anyway.

My feet stepped over the railings. From this high up, I can seemingly reach for the stars. I reached up to the sky while my other hand gripped the bridge's cold steel bar. I don't think I feel anything anymore as my numb hand is as numb as my feeling. I could cry to but I choose not to. There is no lump in my throat. There are no tears in my eye. This can be quick and I am not afraid. I savor the night air while I balance myself onto the railing before I say goodbye.

I recalled my grandfather's Chinese restaurant from years ago. The ghost of the smell of beef noodle soup wafted from the memory. My grandfather cooking in the kitchen while also conversing with the customers in the restaurant. Me sleepily listening in my corner rainbow-colored folding bed to the clatters in the kitchen at night as my grandfather prepares everything for the following morning. Funny that I even remember those days just like yesterday but my memory from yesterday is as blurry as frosted glass. It is as if it almost did not happen. My connection to this world has been severed by pain a hand planted on my cheek. I belong to nothing now so to nothing I will return. My disappearance will be as if I never existed at all. Will I see my grandfather after I get lost in the dark water after I breathe my last breath?

My numbed hands slowly slipped from the hard steel railing of the bridge.

"Uhm miss... excuse me?"

Maybe death is like this - you hear and remember things before you actually jump into it.

"Ehem"

Wait what - is this for real?

Did somebody just coughed behind me?

I slowly turned my head around and there I see the most beautiful creature that I laid my eyes on. His hair was dyed in the most beautiful lilac shade and his eyes sparkled like stars. He was not smiling but his eyes looked calm. He stood behind me looking unsure. His sky blue shirt lazily danced with the wind as he comes nearer.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you. But I am lost."

His tone does not feel like he was lost. What the hell is his deal? I am busy dying here. I hold on to the railing awkwardly watch him approach me.

Do you know that cinematic effect where the leading man walks towards you in slow motion? Yes, that was what it looked like but I am by no means that leading lady.

"I need help finding my way."

Why the hell does he have to ask for help from me? A person busy savoring the last moment of my life.

He then quickly grabbed onto my wrist that was gripping the bar of steel. To my surprise when he grabbed my wrist, that was when my foot slipped that foothold, and everything turned black.