How I Met Your Mother part 1

"Kiba." Hiruzen sighed as his head his hung low in his hands, "How could you have possibly thought it was a good idea to have sex with the Kazekage's daughter?"

"Yeah, kid, how exactly did this happen?" Jiraiya questioned as he stood beside our sensei with a pen and notepad in hand and a hungry look on his face, "Start us at the very beginning. Describe the very moment the idea entered your head."

Its the first time I've seen my dad in years, the second time in my whole life, and not even a 'how's it going, son?' Just straight into turning my life story into the plot of his next steamy romance novel. The man is a damn icon. An inspiration. Ten out of Ten would be his son again.

"Well it all started when you and I locked eyes for a moment...

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I had a silent conversation with the Hokage, exchanged in a single instant of eye contact.

'Are you trying to get me to tap the Kazekage's daughter?'

'Tear that ass up, Kiba.'

'I was born for this mission.'

'I know.'

I am fifty percent sure that is exactly what he meant and in that moment we connected more deeply than if he'd taught me a thousand jutsu.

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"Fifty percent is right on the money." Hiruzen muttered and pinched the bridge of his nose, "That eye contact conversation went like this.

'Don't worry at all, Lord Third. I got this.'

'This is an important mission, Lord Fifth. I couldn't give it to anyone else. They could get it wrong.'

'I was born for this mission.'

'I know.'

"Ahhhh… my eye contact-nease might need at little brushing up." I chuckled at the classic mix up.

"It'll be damn essential so we don't blunder cock first into international scandals like this." Hiruzen grumbled, "You need to hurry up and be ready for this hat. I'm too old to be dealing with this shit."

"I'll get right on that." I laughed while I scratched Baru behind the ears.

"Can we get back to the details of how this… international sex scandal… occurred?" Jiraiya pressured for the juicy story at the heart of this meeting."

"All right, all right, all right. It started out like this…

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I put my hands on Kankuro's puppet and Temari's back as I shepherded them out of the Hokage's Office and as we stepped out of the tower I took my hand off Kankuro and waved in front of the cluster of multi level buildings crowding the streets.

"Behold Konoha in all its splendor." I narrated as I led them through the tight and busy winding paths through this city, "Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle as we travel to our destination as every building in this village is at least three stories tall, half of them look ready to collapse, and a third of them were built with the utilities on the outside as you can see from all the ducts, pipes, and electrical lines. It is in fact as terrible an idea as it looks and sounds, but when your idea of repairing a live line that is about to spark and burn your house down is to tape it up like its about to get into a boxing match, it makes it damn easier when the utilities are all exposed like that."

As we walked down the street a man dove from a forth story window and landed head first on the pavement. He stood up and after wobbling around for a bit ran off as another man burst from the front door of that building with a cleaver in hand.

"I'm going to chop your filthy cock off and make her eat it!" he roared as he pursued the other man.

I breathed in deeply and grinned, "God I love this place. And let that serve as a lesson to you to always keep your head on a swivel while here in Konoha, because random naked dudes are only the third worst thing that might come flying out a window here. And all those terraces are in fact even more rickety than they look."

I laughed as two of the sand siblings started looking overhead in worry.

"Hahaha!" I laughed as I patted the startled girl on the back, "You see this is the proving ground of greatness, the city that separates the quick and the dead. Those who survive in this town are chosen, those favored by the gods themselves."

"Now that the safety lessons are done let's talk about the most important part of your stay here. Food." I laughed and led us through another section of this city called a village.

"To our left is the most expensive steakhouse in town, not to be confused with the best steakhouse in town which is on our right." I gestured to each of the buildings in turn, "Down the street is the most expensive seafood joint in town and it is actually the best as well. The delicate touch it takes to put the truffle spears into the scallops hurts my hands just thinking about it."

I laughed that off while faking a tremor in my hands, "And unless you guys want to pay, we are going to the temple of beef."

I led Team Baki into the Lionsden, a roomy location built around several beautifully maintained maple trees sporting blood colored leaves.

"Ahhhh, Kiba, back for more?" the owner and head chef, Hachimaru, called as he watched his employees at work cooking the test course for the days steaks, sides, and sauces.

"Is this place supposed to be empty?" Kankuro questioned while looking around at the dining room devoid of guests.

"We're not open yet." Hachimaru answered, "But for the Hokage's apprentice, we can do lunch."

"Hokage's Apprentice?" Temari repeated in surprise.

"They already confirmed that rumor?" I smiled.

"Not like there was much to confirm considering you've been working with the man every day for months. The fact that the Jonin only learned about it today just goes to show how dumb people in this village are." Hachimaru laughed, "What are you looking to order?"

"You guys like it tender or tasty." I asked and got two orders of tender and two orders of tasty.

"Then we've got two strips, two filets, and the short loin for me." I ordered, "Let's start things off with two orders of the steak tartare, and we'll go with four orders of the mashed potatoes and gravy and the garlic mushrooms."

"Damn you know how to eat, boy." Hachimaru bellowed, "You all heard him, get it going."

Baru nipped my wrist and whined.

"Hell no." I denied him, "Not even Gato had enough to feed your hungry ass here. I swear, I make the mistake of taking you here one time and all of a sudden everything else isn't good enough for you."

"Poor guy almost makes me wish I didn't run such a tight ship here." Hachimaru sighed at the display from my dog.

"No way, Hach, it's like you've elevated the animal with how good you've gotten at utilizing it. Steers can only be so lucky as to find themselves on your grills." I told the man who directed us to a nearby table.

Hachimaru returned to his post looking in on the kitchen leaving me once more with the team of ninjas plotting to invade my city, the city they just found out I am going to be in charge of, and all I could really think about is the mountain of steaks Hach is going to bring out for me.

It's going to be so fucking good.

"So you like throwing your weight around." Temari accused as we waited

"Do you have any idea how much Hach loves rubbing it in all the other big time chefs' faces every time I stop by?" I countered as I relaxed into my leather seat, "It's like the man is pissing on his rival's heads from on high. He loves it."

"Did you tell them to bring you an entire short loin?" Baki revealed the question that'd been puzzling him since I ordered.

"I eat more beef than any man ever seen, yeah, yeah." I responded and the man looked away from me.

"You are to be the next Hokage." Gaara rasped from his seat next to his sister, "You will prove my existence."

"Oh man, dude. It doesn't work like that." I chuckled at the little psycho, "No matter how hard we go at it, we won't ever make a baby, bro. I mean, I guess we could adopt, but that still means we have failed the biological imperative."

"What?" he backed up in surprise.

"Two dudes can't make a baby together." I explained slowly, "It's not like starting a fire, you can't just rub two sticks together and WHOOSH."

If my daddy comment back in the office had these people spooked, then right now Baki, Kankuro, and Temari were a bee's dick of tension from leaping away.

"Why would we rub our sticks together?" Gaara asked, killing that tension with a brick.

"Oh my little friend. I am going to have so much fun teaching you about stuff." I grinned at the confused boy.