Healing

'You're unfair, Rogue'

That is Adrian's response when I reminded him of what he said some weeks back when I did not know how he feels for me.

'You sent me a farewell message and you expect me to just say yes? I can't, Adrian'

*sent*

'You said you'll gonna be there for me always, if it would possible and if we are not miles away, you would be here for me, no matter what. That is what you said, remember?'

I sent him these and I may sound like some blackmailer or close to that, just so I would not be left by someone just like that, I less care. I care about Adrian and I like him. Yes, that's right, I do but most of it now is for friendship. I am so sick and tired of having broken ties with people who used to call me a friend. I got betrayed by some, got hurt and ignored and yet no matter how I had been angry at them, when they will come once again and say they want me as their friend, I would say yes.

'Rogue, I will stay'

...'In this friendship we have'

I felt relieved and despite the knowledge that he is hurting, I don't ever want to let him go. I wanted for him to be happy one day. I know he will and what he feels for me will be there, always. He'll find someone else, someone who will love him back unconditionally.

Technically, he had had some women who fell too deep in him but for some I don't know exactly what reasons, he cannot give it all and then, those relationships fared to a fin.

'I'm so sorry, Adrian, I know how selfish I can be but I know, you'll be able to love someone else, too, more than you like me'

'Be happy with him and when he does some wrong move, I'll steal you away'

'Manage that when you're distances away from me'

'Well, I can'

'Huh? Really? You would?'

'Yeah'

A few minutes passed, that conversation feels a bit light, I mean, it is kind of serious but we both know we are just trying to lighten the awkwardness.

'Rogue, seriously, I would but well, you know how I sincerely pray for you to be happy, for you to get that dampening feeling out of your system, not immediately but yes, gradually'

...'If you ever need someone to talk to other than your lover, I'll be here to speak and converse with you. I'll always make time for you.'

'Feels strange but I guess this is kind of lucky for me. Lucky that I find some soul who shares most fragments of me. My lover is like living in the opposite of my world but we can work that out, I hope so'

'And well, I pray you two will'

'Adrian, I'm sorry and thank you so much'

'Responding the same'

Well, it seems so easy and just like that, some few exchange of words and we are kind of fine with each other. This is a kind of luxury from the friendship we have. I may not talk to him every day like I used to, or chat him, in a sense but he is a friend to keep.

************************************

"Kam"

His eyes focused on me, then for a split second, began kissing me, slowly, then passionately, like a lover who wanted to go beyond that. New to me, of course, consider that he is my first kiss and well, I'm in the adjusting time, the relationship thing.

"I love you" he said and kisses me again, then hugged me tight.

"Kam, I'm sorry that I have said some things that might have pushed you away" I said, freeing myself from the embrace but cupping his face and looking into his eyes.

I can fall in love to him. I pray so but there's that constant fear, one that I had, ever since I don't know when. If I fall in love, I can be some fool, or some obsessed chick who gets enslaved by selfish wants and inconsideration. God helps me but I pray I really won't be like that. But well, we'll see.

"I will stay with you, babe, as long as you want me in your life" he said.

"And as long as you want me too, in your life" I said it back to him.

Will we stay together until the end of our life? It's just starting but the road I am about to take, I'm sure it's gonna be kind of tough. On my part, it would be most times, a battle within. My moods swings and over thinking might become a problem but I hope he'll be able to understand, as he said he'll be.

What is love with pain? Or should it be, what is pain if you never felt anything? What are feelings and emotions without the chemicals of love?