Complicated but okay

It's been months. I lost count. I remember that third month that I realized how much I have really been in too deep with Kam. That childish me has unleashed its ugly truth in the relationship we have. I had become so freaking attached to him that weekdays were like torture to me. I dreaded for the weekends when I can see and be with him again. I have cried for the littlest reason and becomes so sad when he leaves. During the first two months, I never expected I can be like this. It is something I do not really want for us. I have been so independent and carefree most of my life. Never depended my happiness too much on anyone nor anything. It's kind of a shame that I had depended it now on someone else. Those days were really tough for me. They were like chains that were choking me, pinning me down, added to my ever growing anxiety.

I have thought that my world would fall apart if he ever leaves me. That constant thought in my head that he'll just disappear one day and I'll wake up, finding it's just a dream.

I feel like I'm inside the ocean, the water all around. But something is wrong with it. Me. I am the wrong thing in it. I am not supposed to be in it because I don't belong in its world. I am but a mere visitor that would go up and inhale the air again from outside its domain.

I feel like I'm drowning still. Drowning in my own self-afflicted pain from over thinking about a lot of things. Of my career, my family, and the love that I never expected to happen.

Adrian had been so much a help, still, for me. He would always be replying to me whenever I got to the point of breaking down in life.

Kam, always the understanding and caring lover I never expected to have.

I'm like frog that jumps from one mood or feeling to another, from emotion to emotion, Kam has always been there no matter what.

I guess there will be a lot more to come for me. Surprises! Surprises! I don't exactly like it but they're fine with me.

It's been months now and I'm learning from this relationship, I'm trying to be a better lover, not the best because well, as we all know, we aren't perfect. But that is perfectly okay.

The waters have already been in my life, the night engulfing me a lot but the sun still shines.