Call from afar

Looks like I've been having my own thoughts wandering around again. I called Adrian like a couple times whenever I feel the void inside my heart. The weeping I made, the boredom and constant thought, the attempt to kill myself, the cuts I made on my left forearm, all were like something I can say in passing but everything is raw.

Just to feel the pain and to feel alive.

*call*

'Rogue, as much as I want to be there to comfort you, you know I can't' his voice sounded so sad but my tears keeps on pouring out of these betraying eyes.

'I'm sorry, Adrian, for imposing lik this again to you' I mean it, I feel so broken about life that most of my days are spent crying. Not unless, there are distractions, like when Kam chats me.

It still feels strange with him but there's something I can't explain in which even for a little while I feel comfort with his words.

It's kind of different with Adrian.

'Don't be sorry'

'But it's like I never talk to you about anything but this - '

'And so? At least you're still talking and not keeping it all in again, like you used to and as you've said to me' - pause and a sigh - 'I'm always gonna be here for you, just a call and chat away, maybe, I'll come there someday.'

'Yes, maybe, you will, or I would, not sure'

'Ahhh! And days will pass, months even, we'll still talk to each other, I hope'

'If you don't decide to be tired of me and leave' - pause - 'virtually'

'I won't leave you, virtually nor physically, someday, if ever we really meet, that's a promise'

Okay, so he did made a promise. I'll take that then. I'll hold on to that. I don't really know how to explain this thing between us. It's like a romantic kind of love but at the same time it's not. Like I've known him for so long. Irony is, I did not even meet him personally. It's just that it feels like his soul is lost in my own universe. Like we have a universe all to ourselves despite the distance and physical presence.

The comfort he gives off from afar, is different, too.

'You said so' I just agreed and went off crying again.

'Rogue, please stop crying'

His sympathizing voice made me cry even more.

Why do I bother a lot of people who wanted to care for me? I always wonder, I always ask, I always suffer from the thought eventhough, I should not.

'I'll just tell you a story, then'

'Sure' through my tears, I managed to say.

'When I was a child, maybe 7 or 8, I got bored in school and ever the wandering mind I have, I started walking home, uhm, well, it's almost 5 in the afternoon, anyway' he started 'I lost track of time, it feels like I've walk a mile when it's only kind of 3 blocks from school to our house' - paused - 'Hey, Rogue, you still there?'

'Yes, continue, I'm listening'

'So, when I got home I realized how it can be kind of liberating when you're both walking, lost in time and thinking what would happen next'

'Not new, I guess, but well, okay, I agree'

'Aren't you feeling better still?'

'I guess, I'm kind of cooling down, like some overheated pancake' I gave a faint laugh.

The tears stopped. My face feels sticky then dry. My eyes sting so I close it since the light is adding up to it.

'And you, how're you, Adri?'

'You seriously asking me that, when you're in that state'

'Well, a distraction and seriously, I really want to ask, too, you know, to be kind of fair' - paused - 'to you'

'I come to this place, too sometimes, but well, you know me, somehow so I guess it's fair, you had so far been a comfort for me'

I gave a faint laugh.

'How amusing' - opening my eyes 'I'm sleepy now'

'Oh, okay, rest well, cat'

'Bye, thanks so much, do really appreciate you giving me some of your time, wasting it away, I guess'

'Silly! No, it's alright, just call me whenever you want to'

'Sure'

'Good night'

'As well as you'

And then everything went off like a turning clock but it's now all black.

I deserve some sleep, I guess.