Broken

'Hey Adrian!'

'Caaaat, I missed you'

'Haha, okay, thanks about that, as if you saw me last time, you go saying that to me'

'Weeeeellll'

'Anyway, I have a lover'

A couple of minutes passed or maybe, five. Did I messaged him at a wrong time?

'Is this the guy you were with?'

'Yes'

'Rouge'

Uhm, he rarely use my name when we are chatting.

'Are you happy?'

'Kind of, uhm, maybe'

'Do you like him?'

'Maybe'

'You're not sure? So why did you agree to be his?'

'Are you okay?'

I feel there's something wrong with him. Did he not want me to be with someone so I may be distracted by my annoying mood swings that comes too often and sudden?

'Rouge, if I asked you to break up with him, will you?'

'Adrian, what is this? Are you okay? Does this bother you?'

Five minutes passed. Now, what?

'I am'

'Why?'

'Rouge, I like you'

Before I reply, my phone rings, Adrian is calling.

'Rouge'

'Adrian'

'I am serious about what I said'

'Adrian, why now?' I feel my tears pooling in my eyes.

I like Adrian but not to the point of wanting to be his lover when we meet in person. I don't know why I just really felt and thought about this, this time.

'I'm afraid to lose you, I don't know but I just realized how stupid a move I made instead of just telling it to you, the first time I knew I like you' - pause - 'I had this thought that you will always be there, I dated some other women but who I like is really you, I know it seems wrong to do that to them' - pause 'Rouge, I'm afraid you'll just disappear, I'm afraid that I might treat you differently if you rejected me, and that I might worsen your state if ever I ignore you'

'Adrian' the tears came, I heard him cry.

'Rouge, please choose me'

The cry kind of intensified, I can hear him sobbing. The tears I cry are tears that felt like daggers piercing my heart. This is making my head ache, like a persisting migraine. What of Kam? What should I say to Adrian? Would I just break up with Kam just like that because I am afraid I will lose Adrian some day or maybe, this time?

'Adrian, why now? I don't know what to say more but I admit I like you, I like you but I'm with someone else now' the words just came just like that 'I don't want to hurt him, too, and I can't leave him'

'Rouge, why? Leave him for me, please'

Does he have to sound like begging? It tears my heart. This friend, this person that walks some same wavepath I trudge on, is making me hurt even more than I am now.

'Adrian, don't do this'

'Rouge, I'm sorry, I should just be happy for you, and here I am, maybe, worsening the running thoughts in you head' it's like someone woke him up 'I'm sorry'

I can still him crying in between the words he says.

************************************

I cannot focus at work because of this and I was so stress with the errors I'm committing. I'm not sure what to do anymore or what to think or what to say. I am so distracted and I feel like any minute, I will shut down and just be some empty shell of a body carrying someone's soul.

I spoke with Kam and told him that I'm frustrated and I'm not sure if I really like him or would be able to love him someday.

'It was so sudden and so fast'

'I'm sorry that I might have rushed on you'

'Kam, I'm sorry, too'

'Maybe, we can take some time off and think this through again, maybe you need some time to think'

'Will it be okay if I just leave you like this?'

'If it does not hurt you more, then yes'

'Do you even like me? With that you seem like you're not really sincere'

'Rouge, I like you, and I said it cause I don't want you to think hard and hurt day by day, thinking too much about it'

'But, at the same time, I don't want you gone in my life, Kam' I replied, I am being honest, maybe, I can try, 'I can try, Kam'

'Rouge'

'I am really frustrated right now, I am not thinking straight' the tears are here again, I sobbed like some brokenhearted woman left by a lover.

You cannot love two people at the same time at the same degree, right? Romantically speaking.

'Rouge, I'm still here for you'

'You still say that even if I may have hurt your feelings saying this' I replied 'It's just a few days since I agreed to be yours and here I am talking about something close to breaking uo with you'

'I cannot put some leash on you, Rouge' he replied back 'I want you to choose to stay and not because I want you to, you should do it for yourself, too'

'Even reading this tears me, and I'm really sorry for coming to this'

'Do you like someone else?'

'Yes but I never saw him in person' I answered 'You remember the friend I told you?'

'Maybe because I am the one who is here that you chose me now over him'

'I did not want him to be my lover, I liked him because he kind of reflects me, the person that I am, feeling kind of separated from the world' I replied 'Kam, I don't know if I like him more than that now, but I guess I'm just overthinking again'

'Rouge, try to calm yourself, I don't want you hurting'

Would I ever really do something with this?

I received a message from Adrian saying he wanted out of my life if he contributes to the complications I am in right now. He told me he likes me that much he does not want me to think about him and feel frustrated more.

Now what? It's as if they said the same thing, Kam and Adrian, that they are willing to let me leave them if it means I won't hurt this much. Does this ever make sense? What game is love playing at? Does it enjoy watching me like this?